disintegrate

rate

thank god its the weekend...i had a pretty long day all double lessons but i had fun nonetheless...i quite like all my subjects most of the time..i love my politicss class the most i have to admit as there is like ahuge variation of students in that one class...theres a girl that realli could care less abt class but gets straight A's , a girl who is genuinely nice to evryone and alwes is late for classs n getss away with it while drinking TEA,EAting Fruits and Sleepps!!, a girl who is a complete neat-freak who is one of quadruplet twins(im not sure if thats how u spell it) , a girl who is quite snooty and acts like a princess , a girl from aus thats obsessed with freee paper and a girl who runs a BAR in luton annddd a girl whos a farmers daughter as in her dads a farmer!!!!yeah jst to get that point across...and to top it off a TEACHER who makes class damn interesting with his own interpretations of the uk govt and his personal life including what he does in the weekends...hehe...you cannot imagine how sum of the girlsss freak out just cus the colours on their notess dun colour coordinate and that my teacher decides to put in extra notess on a point we've moved on from!!..im telling u they go hysterical if u even mention it!!

well welll....evrythings out on the table rightt now....i dun know what im going to do just yet...cus i feel as if itss my turn to make the decision and make the right choice for me....i feel like i know what i truly want deep in my heart but im just tooo afraid of wanting it....it seemss too HARD and DIFFICULT!!..should i just let it go just cus it seemss so hard?..am i that of a coward that i cant even stand up for my own self and my wants?..cus now im starting to wonder whos gonna do that for me?no one will step in and save me from decision making cus in reality its my life and i have to be responsible for it...i wan to live a life i can be proud of and even if it doesnt end up the way i hoped it would be at least i can say I DID IT MY WAY!!...even if it was wrong...i need to get over that fear of making a mistake and running away when things get rough...YES i need sumone to point me in the right direction but when it cums down to it i will have to decide whether im walking down tht path...I admit that i do what i am asked to do without a REAL fight so when it does go wrong i have sumone to blame it on at the end of it...sumtimes we need to shut the fuck up and keepp it reall...if u want it dont be afraid to fight for it...im sick of not knowing and sulking...waiting for the world to chnage for me and asking WHY MY LIFE IS SO HARD??

i have to let go of that child in me and just trust myself...i dont want to be so naive to believe that even after making this huge decision my life will run smoothly forver for there will alwes be unforeseen circumstances and pain?...why are we so afraid of pain and disappointment when thats what life is all about?..we try to run away from it but we are only human and nothing more!!..do u tink being told what to do ur whole life will protect u from heartache?..why do parents try to protect their children from things that they cant even protect themselves from??..if they were all right then we would ALL BE HAPPY AND MILLIIONAIRES!! but we are not!!we are still a work in progress and even as we lay on our death beds one can trust that we will still have a millions worth of unanswered questions...so tell me what are u afraid of the thought of being wrong or right?

in the past parents believed that education was a waste of money and time and they rather energy be put into the farm or whatver...if evryone listened we wouldn be where we are today..especially us being asians i tink its one of our main traits is to be submissive and quiet cus we do not want to be disrespectful or face confrontation..thats where westerners have the advantage in a way ..cus they were brought up to speak their mind and be creative as on the other hand we were spoon-fed,over protected and to not speak when elders are speaking...THERE were some that dared to dream and take the risk of losing evrything!! all they had was the support of their hearts and their imagination..WHERES THAT COURAGE IN ME?...sumtimes i wish i wasnt living in the bubble ,really struggled cus thru that i would know what im made of...is this what i want?..or what da ppl around me think i should want?..will i be here in 10years?tomorrow?we all know that ONLY god knows...so why do we keepp playing god? and plan our next 50years...
we alll know the saying live life the fullest cus u nver know when its ur last!!then why dont we..

sumtimes we need to step out of a situation to realise how uncomplicated it has to be...YES its a life changing decision but we'll never know if it was a decision that had to be made or not..TO move on from it and one day regret it would be a tragedy!!..especially when its too late to turn back...