disintegrate

rate

i have nevr been a fan of british music and i dont think i am now but some extraordinary ones do pop out..i listened to some songs from lily allen and their so catchy and makes me feel light and just wanna twirl around..hehe if i only i couldd but my rooms to small..i have a feeling i have many anti-british feelings though im staying here.hehehe..so its sort of a love and hate situation. the weather is soo ficklee!! even more fickle than mee..hehe..this morning the sun rayss were all over the place then as i was walking back from school to the house, it started raining like crazy and i got caught in the rain. it felt kind of nice though, as it wasnt too cold but brought back some childhood memoriess..ahh...summer showerss :)..

i had a really productive day and i am oh-so proud of myself..hahaha..i was reading the economist today and realised theres so much happening around the world and in there are soo many issues concerning the well-being of the world such as inventions, dilemmas, theories , conclusions and conflicts. it made me feel as though i have been in school for most of my life, i still know nothingg!! and theres soo much information left to comprehendd!!ok this may sound freaking Nerdyy but if that is the definition for Thirsttt of knowledgeee than im all for it..waahhaahhaa

i want to be the horizon that ur looking for,
catch me when im falling cus i fall too often
you make the days brighter , full of hope and awe
i see the light at the end of the tunnel,
my rainbow after the rain,
the one i scream at and hug all at oncee,
you may not understand but its ok,
cus all i need is for you to love me..

somedayss you feel like u cant stand them and wanna just runaways
there are days you wonder what the hellll just happened
and sometimes even feel likee giving up all together
but when all the dust settless..
you realise you wouldnt be the same without them...

goodness meee...its already may 1st tomorrow and i cant waittt!!traalalal~~~my brothers birthday is on may 5tthh :)

Labels: family, wisdom

thingss are starting to feel extremely repetitive and i cant stand itt....whenever this starts to occur i start to reminisce about the good old days and i hate doing that. i loved high school in st.johns and all the laughter that i have made so now those memories are wrapped into perfection located in the centre of my heart. Sometimes it feels as though i am grieving the lost of a loved one or sumthing. now that i am nearing the end of this journey in my life, i realise the things that i have left behind 2years ago still remain the same . but it really isnt...

i just cant wait to go to the beach and just sit for agess until i cant stand the sandfly bites and blazing sun any longer.. the thingsss that make a home are usually the things that go unnoticed and definitely it hasnt proved me wrong as i can easily pin-point every detail of the things that i took for granted before. "we'll never appreciate until its gone"..its sad how this saying is so true but we never realise until it has happened..

i had such a long day today because mrs.davies decided to have extra chem after school so i stayed in school till 5..what a tiring day.i have my math mocks next week and my bio mocks the week after!! thingss are passing soo fast and in some weird wayy im EXCITED...cus i just cant wait to get it all over it and just work uber hard so i can fly back with an empty concious as i leave all my troubles back here in england...i just hope that the next time i fly, its to something i really anticipatee!!..i guess i have a good head start now as i am now familiar with the surroundings and no longer a newbie :)

im getting tired of this blog so i might switch preety soon to another service provider? i need a changeeee and i need a FREGGING holidaayyy there are so many plans up in the air that im struggling to decide..its strange how im at the cross-roads of teenager and young-adult, its quite scary but yet i cant wait..i might take up some classess when im back just to do something like maybe piano lessonss!!..i have always admired people who can play the piano really well, it just soothess me and i always wished i could playy like Crazzzeehhhh..christine was practising her grade 8 pieces in the dining hall yesterday and today and she was awesomee!!!

so i guess its back to drowning myself in books and notess!!!

i cant seem to describe what exactly i feel at this moment!! .i had a major breakdown before the weekend due to some unexpected circumstances but right now im feeling much much better. i just couldnt handle the stress of everything thats accumulating and i guess i just a break from it all and when all else fails i could depend on my dude! who cheered me up though i was drowning in my own sorrow it was pretty much a dramatic episode which i shall not wnat to re-live!!..ahah.but now i know that i am never alone as i always people that care to help me through when things get rough.

we had multi-cultural week last week so we Bruneians had a presentation to do during assembly. we dressed in our baju kurung and decorated the board in the bay with pictures of brunei and information. on the last day, germany had their presentation .what really struck me about the Germans were the mounts of inventions and famous people that have come from there . for example, mercedes-benz, BMW,escada were the famous brands that have originated from germany and famous people such as mozart, bach, beethoven, steffi graff, karl lagerfield, heidi klum and boris becker were all germans!!!..my goodnesss they have a wealth of extremely talendted people! i couldnt help but think. what are we bruneians known? what have we done to make an impact in the world that we are living in. YES, we have a veyr pampered life but does it mean we should take it as easy-going as evrything else, you would think with our comfortable surrounding it would push us to do more and help more people! i mean to be fair, not many Asian countries have made a massive impact on the world with exceptions from china and singapore.

i just hope to one day be alive long enough to witness something BRUNEI has done for the world and you never know it could be any one of us.. i just am tired of being known as the rich country cause with our wealth our possibilities are endless.

slowly but surely we will get there...>_<

the world has decided to be a bitch to me today and struck me with this massive migraine that tempts me to pull my head right out of its socket! ok i might sound really extreme, it really isn't if you realise the pain i am in. i guess its sort of my fault that im suffering, i slept at like 1 last nite but woke up at 6 so i was pretty much a zombie today in school. ive been such a nerd lately its depressingg and to make matters worst my nerding doesnt seem to be paying off..why is life so unfair anyways? i want to crawl upp into a ball and diEEE!!!! ok enough with the complaints about my migraines. it just really hurttsss =( i have a feeling my wisdom is growing out as well..just my luck.

so time has decided to hop on the fast train and im left dangling by the way side. exams are cming up in a month and i really dont knoe what to do with myself, ive started revision but somehow the more i learn the more things i realise i dont knowww!! you would think with about 13plus years of education i would have learned from my mistakesss butt NOooo..understand my dilemma?....oh dearie..i talked to my parents today and i miss them soo much cant wait to see them in two monthsss..

i cant believe im still deciding on whether i should go to MU or not. why is it constantly bugging me. i was halfway through the application but then i got kinda freaked out. why am i so afraid of the unknown, part of me wants to just do it already but part of is seriously doubting the decision..if only i had the answerss..i mean ive been juggling this for the past two years already and still im so fickle. i depresss myself so badly at timess.....its summer and the weather has somewhat improveedd :)...it was really sunny before dinner just now so i decided to drag cathrin out into the garden where we sat in the sun then she decided to make me crown of flowerss! which turned out to be a bracelet thingy.....

and now its time for us to part
..

im still waiting... evryday i pray and hope that im heard still longing to be close to you. i pray every night wondering and wishing that my prayers are heard.you came into my life and brought me into life. i hear stories of your wonder from around and i am filled with so much hope that i am not able to retain my smile. believing in you doesn't mean i have to be perfect, it does not mean i have to be strong all the time it means the total opposite actually. it means i dont have to be afraid to not be perfect or strong. i will always have you to turn to and i know with enough belief and trust i will never be disppaointed. you have made my life a well of opportunities hoping to just leap out into the light. with each passing day, i grow in wisdom and i learn to let things that hurt GO...strength that slowly but surely came. i think the fear of the unknown is bigger than the act itself but with ur awesome guidance i seem to always have my head just above water. sometimes i find myself running into you when i least expect it. thank you Lord for making my life your medium to reach. i always run back to you when im afraid and i know that i need you.

to be a christian shouldn feel like hardwork or sumthing impossible, it should feel like when you have lose your wallet and car keys but continue walking down the road knowing that along the way .. a miracle will come your way...

this week has been such a hell week for me!! i have been having my chemistry mocks and it has seriously taken a toll on me. i just realised i really do not have alot of time to fully prepare for evrything which is driving me to my wits end..i really hope evrything will fall into place as i hope this one last push will follow through...

so many shyt has happened and i know i have no one to blame but myself. i have this tendency to not put the blame on people for my won mistakes because first of all i dont want anyone to ever have that control over me and i am a strong believer in that if you want someting bbadly enough then you would do evrything you can to make sure it happens and at the end of the day whether u fall or rise its through ur own actions.no one but urselff..

i never want to grow up and i hope i will stay a child inside forver. growing up is scary cus u realise that things aren't as easy as it all seems. so many decisions that have to be made!!!..last nightabout 15 of us went to nando;s for cathrins 18th birthday and it was fun just a typical dinner in nandos.gosh i think we've been there like 50 times or sumthing.i remember the first time i went to mcdonalds with ctahrin when we decided to explore bedford. we got lost at first but we made it in the end..

i hate saying goodbye to close friends.. and its ALL happening all over again!..

its been a while hasn't it? :)...i just havent had much time or inspirattion to blog lately. what can i say about my easter breakk?? well it was amazing and memorable.i basially spent loads of time with darren eating,sight seeing and travelling. we went to dublin and came back in one peace which was good. we were both quite unsure about everything but everything turned out great :) dublin is such a pretty place we didnt realise evrything would be soo GREEN not as in treess green but clothes shops and food? were green apparently its the national colour so yeah it was great cus darren and i are green fanatics so it wass EXCITING :)... something freaky happened at the immigration though when i showed my passport the guy didnt know where bbrunei wa sna dhe asked for my visa and i said i didnt need one and he said yes i DID!! ...and i was like nooo...then he looked annoyed whereas i was fraking out maybe even gone a lil pale? then he called his supervisor which told him i didnt need one..phew* i just imagined me having to fly all the way to london :( sniff sniff.. it was good exploring the city with darren, its good that we have really good stamina cus we basically walked for ages and ages until we didnt know where we were...so luckily for us right in the centre of dublin theres a longggg river which leads back to the center so we just walked along it and finally found our way agen :0..ahaha...

we also met some realy nice people during the holidays while we were playing badminton at the courts, theres about 10-12 of them and 6 of them live in this big house together. there's this one girl May who's such an amazing cook..she freaking made wan ton soup from scratch , darren and i were so amzed and we kept hanging out with each other and i even went shopping with the girls one day like 5 of us..such nice people reallyy...their all realy friendly and feels like family when ur with them. their a couple years older so mayb they have the older bro and sis complex and oh yess!!! they all TEAS and SALMON!!..hahaha...they have like a range of teass that they introduced to me and may even gave me some ginseng tea which was so sweet....we actually had salmon sashimi with rice few times and it was soo gooddd :)...they even bought the ikura(salmon eggs) from japan centre and wasabi..huhuh..:P...there was one night darren had to cook chicken curry for the house and he was so nervous..well we were both nervous i mean we are frekaing amatures compared to them!!..ahahha..so yeah darren cooked and added stuff while i stirred..finally everyone loved it and the whole pot was EMPTY...hahaha..shockingly enough...

oh yeah..darrens birthday was a few days ago :) and the group and i brought darren to this chinese resto the night before and had hot pot thingy...its basicall like steam boat but only differrent!! they had a spicy side aand an ok tasting side..the night was filled with laughters , FOOD and yellow EGGS hat each of us took pictures with..hehe..the next day darren and i went to london and we finally ate this place called belgio? somewhere in covent garden and the lamb was freaking GOODD , it was incredibleee and some prawn thingy which i am not able to describe , it was jst GGood..heheh .i had mussels cus that was the house specialty but i was secretly envyin darrens lamb thingy..hehe which he gave to me later...ahhahaa
it was a really sweet dayy ..just walking around like retards and talking non-stop, i have no idea why but no matter how much time i spend with him, we never run out of topics to talk about and even when we do talk about the same thing over and over again , it nevr gets old..i just am so happy that hes here with me...we also have this tendency to keep talking about what we're going to do when we're back in brunei!!..donno why :P

oh yeah...it cathrine's birthday on saturday not the german but the one from HK..and the group agaen went to a chinese resto somewhere else and we sang karaoke!!.aahha it was hilarious..i mean i never claimed to be a really good singer but everyone just sang no matter how retarded we sounded we were basicallyyy were screaming our lungss out!!!...sam and i even dared to sing the celine dion and christina aquilera songsss!!! which turned out DAmnn funnyy:P...and and..tomorrows cathrins( the german) 18th birthday and we're all going to nando'ss tomorroe night for dinner and tonight at 12 we're probably going to her room to surprise her..one last time baby :(...cant believe the IB girls only have one more month left and i have exactly 2months and 1 week left ..how scary is taht? on the other hand, i just cant wait to get back home...

well this post lasted longer than expected..but yeah im back in school now and trying to get my asss to study like a retardd so i can get the grades..:P..