disintegrate

rate

i cant wait to have that defining moment, the girl in the tourist pictures and tourist-like poses!!..i want to look back and realise there i have trekked the many treks and that theres no where left to go but home. i love the moment that i am in, the person that im becoming, the more independent and content ME...i never REGRET and have never regretted anything that i have done. those who i have lost along the way were due to their own misfortunes, they couldnt see..I couldnt see what i was capable of. and now here i am waiting for that moment.waiting as time trickles on without fail. i feel so inspired today, enough for me to take up a new language and dip my feet into something so out of my comfort zone. i can handle everything that comes my way and even when i cant its ok too :)..remember our younger years where we sit thinking about how our future might turn out ..our innocence could not have imagined our bigger picture. i want to stand on my own two feet!!

hi ,my name is vanessa and im addicted to waffles!

hi vanessaa .........

few more days baby and il be in london...wahha..cant wait for it to begin..we are expecting hurricane winds in the coming days which makes my walks to school jst a little bit more annoying, today it started raining and the wind kept on blowing so it made my face froze, fingers numb and made me soak like a wet rag..it was a very bad start to my week..but im good now cus im in the comforts of my warm and dry room . we had elections today for school officer, i wasnt too bothered about it but i had to go vote for izzati who's hoping to get chosen and i think we bruneians should stick together and support one another :)..hehe

i heard the news about 7 people being burnt alive in the house in front on st.johns and it really made me sad. i hope the lady who jumped out will be able to walk again though they said her chances are slim. i cant believe something that devastating happened right in front of my old school..i mean of course there are even worse things that has happened in the world but something so close to home just makes me even scarier..i just pray that their souls will rest in peace..and hope that their family members will be comforted by people that they love.

i miss u mummy and papa!

there are things i wish i could say..
but i cant..
im sorry i have fallen.
feeling completely broken..
wont u come and save me..
just like once u did before..

thank you god!!!!....today has been an extremely eventful day and im sooo happyy!!!..well i was abruptly awoken again this morningg at 545 am by veetag and it was a good surprise..ahahah...thingss in life doesnt always turn out the way that you had hoped but having people that loves and cares enough about you almost makes me easier to deal with. im grateful to have people like that around me and to know that i dont need to fake it or act strong when i know that i cant. being able to be open and vulnerable. vulnerability is a bitch and i know the feeling all to well and in a lot of ways it has turned me into the person i am today. being hurt by someone u love usually does that.

anyways,..i got my results back today and i received all A grades for my papers.. THANK GOD.i was so worried about it this morning and was praying so hard because i really didnt want to resit any papers.i was so relieved that i couldnt contain my excitement. it just made me feel as though evrything ive been doing for the past months has been worth it because i kinda regretted not coming back last december to spend christmas at home. so i grudgingly opted to stay in the UK and nowwwww im just glad it all turned out for the best...i really believe that with hard work we will definitely reap the benefits of it one day!!!..all i have to do now is work harder in the coming months and go back to brunei witth a load off my back eventhough il be panicking on results day in summer. hehe but thats a whole other blog on another day :)...life tries to take me by surprise and usually has me by the throat, life isnt perfect and i know that but i just always try to keep things positive and stop complaining about things that i cant change and things that has already happen. whenver you feel u cant go on just push yourself forward and hope for a better tomorrow.

im tired of making excuses for my feelings and just want to let it all hang out....i talked to my mummy just now and she was happy cus i was feeling happy, shes already talking about our summer plans with my sisters engagement and our trip to thailand...i thank god everyday for the things that i have in life as i try to be as grateful as i can because at any moment it could all jst disappear.

...all smiless today except i slept at 2 last night and i was a really blur girl today in school =)..i took the wrong school skirt from the laundry room today and realised my skirt was weirdly oversizedd then as i went to cathrins room ready to go to school, she goes like thats NOT your skirttt!!! so i walked down to the laundry room and i realised i grabbed the wrong one!!hehee...
yesterday morning..when cathrin and i left the house it started to snow and everything looked quite pretty , it only lasted for an hour but it was pretty while it lasted...

mood: happy :)...cant wait for the holidayss..my bubble doesnt need to burst JUST YEt >_<...resultss day is tomorrow and everyone is silently panicking about it , all im hoping is that i get the grades so that i dont have to resit any papers, cus it will annoy the heck out of me!!..i attended a talk in school yesterday by this man who wrote books decribing shakespeare stories translated into films , the differences between theatre and film directorial tricks. one thing that stuck was that films leave very little to the imagination as the director has complete control over what the audiences focuses on whereas in theatre we tend to have our own interpretation of the scenes as there is so much going on that one can focus on what they prefer... i don't really know much about the shakespeare because i dont really have any interest in english literature!!!..but i just found that the movie 10 things i hate about you was inspired by shakespeares story 'taming of the shrew'...hehe...oh well... this friday is world book day meaning its mufti day, we have to come into school dressed as characters from books..6th formers dont usually take part but just come in jeans or something but cathrin and i decided we would try to dress up as something!!..but we're not sure what yet!!..its for charity anyways..hehe... smile because u are happy!! creating an aura around that exudes, reflecting positive energy in and out!!..:-)

we're expecting snow tonight and i feel like im back at the beginning...

the old record continues on playing,
it has lost its tune and beauty,
but i lay here listening to it slowly,
my heart remembers,
my mind slowly wonders,
repeating its silly melodies,
when i thought i'd forgotten,
i want to be some where far away,
far enough to sail away,
forget where ive been,
to begin and stop hurting...
your the song that keeps on playing..

i think out of all the places ive been for the past two years, i think the place i loved the most was New York.I fell in love with the city and everything about it even the hustle and bustle of time square for some reason it doesnt feel as clusterphobic as london...i wish i could live there for awhile just to sink into the culture and the beat of the city. sometimes i feel like im running away from things and i cant stay still. im desperate to let go and to forget. i dont want to be haunted by my memories.
this is definitely one of those days...

Labels: melancholic.past.