disintegrate

rate

its annoying how i feel as though i have so much free time when i really dont..the human is a remarkable thing peoplee!!hahaa..

i was awoken this morning by my insanely loud telephone ring only to be greeted by VEENASH!!hahaa(my goodness..VEETASH = MONASH !! coincidence?hahaha) promise im not retarded..hahaha,..okie yeah anywyas had a long conversation with her about thingss and as always its great catching up with that girl cus no matter how far we are from each other and how much we think we've changed somethings REALLY dont change and i am so grateful for that. well i had a long day in school today. did i mention how school food realy sucks? i gues compared to public schools , my school serves much more healthier and tastier food but sometimes i just get so sick of pasta , cheeese and failed attempts to cook asian food. its abit stressful cus sometimes i would just crave kueh tiaw or nasi lemak or chicken rice aand even murtabak but then i have to wait until my next trip to london to get some..hehe..maybe i have unconciously decided to study in london because of the Food??..wahahha..ok im in a really strange mood tonight so please indulge me..

we had a fire drill today in school and im still not sure whether it was a real one or a pratice one because even the people in the swimming pool had to evacuate the building!! i felt so sorry for them i mean i was freezing my butt off on the playground eventhough i was fully clothed and dry!! so i could only imagine how the were feeling..so kesian!!hehe..... i talked to my mummy today and i just realised il be home for her birthday and brandons birthday which is AWESOME!! im so thrilled about that cus i miss spending special moments with the family. i gues thats the hardest bit about moving away to accomplish our higher education, is missing out on home moments which seemed so insignificant before i left but now its the thing i miss the most. i guess almost everyone will feel or has already felt this feeling . in a way it makes you much more tolerant and grateful person which also means you've matured. its scary how things just fall into place when we lest expect it.

cathrin and i had a conversation today during breakfast about designer bags and travelling and we both agreed that we'd give up designer bags in a heart beat for travelling. we were just making fun of some designer bags that looks damn ugly but then cost a fortune!!i told her i thought travelling to places is something everyone should try and do because it
makes you more aware and less ignorant of the world around , it also creates a sense of confidence and independence that one can gain when they go at it alone. my dream destination for now is Egypt!!..and of course BRUNeI =)

i feell so sore.i played tennis with darren and ken on saturday from like 6 till 8.30. we played at the next generation sports club and apparently its the largest sports club in europe or sumthing like that.the tennis courts were pretty amazing it had carpeted floor and there were first floor tennis courts as well. i was kind of nervous playing cus i havent played in months but luckily after some missed and awkward shots i managed to get the feel back except when darren made me laugh by making stupid jokes about my shots..i played matches against darren and ken.i lost to darren but then i won against ken which was shocking and i think it kinda ticked him off a little maybe cus i was a girl..ahha. who knowss.. i didnt feel tired at all but now im paying the price of playing 2hours straight cus my whole body is aching like a retard. darren kept making me laugh this morning and i laughed like someone whoss having an asthma attack cuz my ribs hurt too much when i laugh..eheh

we watched heroes for the whole weekend..heroes is sooo cooll..i didnt realise how good it was. its soo shocking and exciting at the same time. i highly recommend it to evryone , its sort of like X-men but way more cooler and bit more realistic.if that makes sense?..if i could be any one of the heroes id probably choose hiro or peter petrelli..HES SO COOOLL!!!or just be mohinder suresh cus hes so smart!!! i wana be a geneticist too!!..ahhaha..tomorow is the start of a new again and i cant wait..
i received my offer from UCL few days ago and its AAB..i didn really like UCL when i visited it maybe cus they were not very hospitable..i dunnoo but im glad they offered me sumthing =)..but i tnk ive made up my mind already.huhuhu...soon i will starting my my next phase which is UNI life..its going to be extremely stressful but i hope i enjoy it along the way as well..cus after this il be stuck in a job for 10years and have to even more responsible!!!..scaryy...i was thinking about uni that day and i all of a sudden blurted out to clarie and jlo about how i cant wait to graduate. as in i cant to walk across the stage and receive my degree..we promised each other that we'd try to attend each others graduations.hehe,.hopefullyY!! i really hopeee i'll reach that stage one dayy ... pleaseee lord..:)

im quite excited and freaked out thinking about my easter holidays which will be coming up in 3weeks time..im freaked out because it means my exams are getting extremely close and im not prepared for them and also it means im getting closer to leaving this school and boarding house which i have grown to love especially the people i have been living with.i shall miss the laughters and room visits..on the other hand, im quite excited for my holidays because i will be spending time with my lovee and also going to Dublin!!!.it was sort of like a last minute thing but then i decided to make it a bitrhday gift for him..hehe..i did some research about it and it looks pretty =)..thank goodness for England being extremely well located in europe and also low-fare airlines that makes everything even more convenient...i was suppose to go back home this easter but then i think its not such a good idea which is why ive decided to rough it out and make it a whole year until i reach home again..darren kept making such LAME jokess few days agoo and i thought he fitted perfectly with my bruneian frens here.i dunno why but my bruneian friends here are sooo lame..we always make fun of each other. hhehe ..i have a friend that keeps relating evrything to math and we're like LAME EH!!!...we are experts at being lame and its even sadder even when we're not trying to be lame....we SAY LAME THINGSS!!..huhuh :)

i want my live life to the fullest,
i want to travel the world and open myself to every possibility.

anyways i just came back from school. it has been a pretty mellow day, its really cold today eventhough spring is closely approaching.UK weather ceases to amaze me!! ive been here for almost two years and i still cant describe weather here. i stare with complete bewilderment when someone ask me " so hows the weather like?" ...its UK...what do you think?pfftt!!

we entered the world completely untouched and happiness that was infectious it made evryone around smile too. what happened to our innocence? it got replaced by self-doubt and confusion . sometimes i wonder what is the poiint in all of this. we go through life wwaiting to die!! we are all so vulnerable and supcetible to pain in whatver form it might come. i'd like to believe that one day when this is all over, i'll be standing in front of HIM and say..here i am, broken and bruised.am i worthy to enter? then he will say... everyone is worthy to enter but only through pain and sadness can one truly understand and appreciate immense love so come back to me and now your life can finally begin.

im not trying to be philosophical or anything but i just would like to believe that my life has more meaning than this. this allows me to wake up in the morning without going " damn, another fucking Day to go through!!"

yes i am a christian and i believe in GOD. does it make me a fool? i believe without seeing and i dont have the need to want to see anything. everyday i hope to feel for his presence around and i most of the time i do. i find it way easier to have hope in something than having nothing to look forward to.its about 6:30 and the full moon is staring straight at me as i look out my window...

maybe if i scream loud enough i'll start to make sense out of all thiss!!

im back in school after having a really good breakk =)...it was a weell needed rest from everything. in a way im glad im back here because i missed my little room that feels cosy-ed up with all my pictures and the disarray of my clothes,books and shoes all around.i basically got told off twice this term for leaving my room in such a mess..haha..luckily they were really nice about it and just asked me to try to be alittle tidier...im not a slob its just that compared to some people here who are domestic goddesses i definitely fall by the way side. i have three till my finals and its scaring the crap out of me. i basically have a month for each subject which in theory should be something i can manage.

veenah called me this morning and it was good hearing a familiar voice. come to think of it shes the only one thats ever placed the effort in contacting me for the past two years. im just glad shes doing good in melbourne and slowly settling in..love you veetash!!...hope everything will turn out amazingggg and that you'll learn to love it there. HUGSSS...

today was pretty much boring .....i miss darren already!!! >_<...my sister called me today and shes asking me to visit her during my easter holidays but then im planning to go to barcelona with few of my friends during that time...not too sure what im going to do just yet because i cant think of anything right now..i just want to get my exams over and done with so i can fly back home to brunei =) darren and i already made a whole list of things to do when we're back and im most probably having a family trip to thailand and i really cant wait for that because its been ages since ive been on a family trip with ALL my family members so i hpe that happens.....nyaks nyaks.. my sis and i were going through some accomodation choices offered by imperial and theres one i really lovee!!! just because of the location!!!..its like a minute walk from portabello market and notting hill gate which is perfect!!! im in love with portabello..and the accomodation isnt too pricy..my sis is soo good at this , i mean i was like staring at the accomodation list for days and freaking out over how seriously expensive some of them were then out of the blue she calls and then flip through the imperial websitee then few mins later she locates the perfect one!!how does she do thatt???..she'll most probably be doing her masters in warwrick which means she'll be accompanying me during my first year which is great it'll be good to have her here with me..we're already planning our weekendsss and our travelss through europe..:)... please tell me theres more to thiss... tell me that its not all a waste... tell me that its all worth it...

life is a long and winding journey =)

im in london now and im feeling like im drowning. im not sure if its a good or bad thing..i received my offer from warwick university for biomedical science today!! YAY :).. now i have all the offers i was hoping to receieve..AMEN!!...itss quite amazing reallyy..never would have thought it would happen in a million years. anyways zati zazi mimi man and i went to portabello market today and it was soo cooll.i love that place , they sold so many antiques, jewellery,clothes and food..it was interestiing walking around in that seriously crowded place. zati and i kept saying..KANCANG BUII...apparently it means tight man!! in poklan vocab!!hahaha..anywyas it was hilarious...then darren called me and he told me about sumthing that happened during his open house..it was really funny but i felt so mean that i laughed i think i would've died if it happened to me..hahaha

anyways..i cant wait for monday cus darrens arriving early in the morning..huhuh :)..im listening to plain white T's shine and let me take you there..they are such cooll songs so whenevr you have the time just ccheck it out..slightly missing home right now...5months more baby!!!...hahaha wawawa...life is going as planned as of now but there are still things that i still need to make right and at least its on itss way...im on holiday mode right now which means loads of sleep and eating waffles!! we went waffle hunting last night and the waffles i had were fREAKing amazingg!!! ..shytt i wanna have another one but its such a calorie BOMB!!..hahah....LAMPUH BUI!!!...hahahahahaha...

happy new year people..hehe..wishng all of you the best of luck in 2008. i wasn;t planning to do anything for new years eve but then like last night zati called me up and was like .ok dinner with the bruneian people at 6.30!! eric organiseD for bruneians!!..yeah it was like 5.30 at that time. it was funy cus it was 8 of us in this mongolian resto which had a really weird menu....cus they didnt have any main courses?..we were so confused cus the boys forgot to mention it was a buffet only resto..and we had to be the one that picked out what we wanted to be cooked.. basically each of us had a bowl and we could choose from a range of raw meat what we wanted and then the sauces and then vegetables and even the oill..dump it in this boil and they'll cook it for you. the chef just dumped whatver was in my bowl which by the way was completely random..onto this huGE wok thing..ok just imagine a big round table BUT the whole table is the cooking pan..yeah it was really interesting!! it was a seriously funny night with jokes and laughter....

i am sooo sick of schooll right now that i can't wait for the holidayss. i am so thankful tomororw is the start of the half-term hols because i dont think i can last another week cus ive been bored since last weekend...i just need time to rejuvenate myself.i guess it'll be london againnn..and i really cant wait for darren to come back im so bored without him here..he tends to always make things interesting and funny..its been way way too long!!..

i have seriously nothing to say...except i gave up all sweet foods such as CAKES,chocolates and cookies except for waffles for lent..

some of us walk around with a broken heart and never find our way back to love.
some of us walk around so afraid to love that we'll never feel true love.
some of us take for granted the love they have only to miss it when its gone.
some of us build up a wall to make us believe that they dont need love.
some of us still hold onto the past never really getting over their first lost love.
some of us are desperate for love, grabbing hold at even the slightest sign of it.
some of us..take our time, evaluate and realise that with the great blessing of love comes the hardest bit which is sustaining it into something that last and appreciate it no matter how flawed it may seem.
just because someone doesnt love you the way that you hope to be loved doesn't mean they dont.
to love and be loved is not impossible.it is not held by those who deserve it but it is something out for the taking only to those who are able to realise that it will not always be perfect and will not be the thing that makes you feel complete.

some of us walk around looking for love, when the only thing they lack is self-love.

painting on red nail polish =) thats the extent of my CNY celebrations!!hehe i have absolutely no mood for CNY that im just going to let it pass without any worries i mean the whole point of CNY celebrations is the fact that you can eat good home cooked food, fun with the family anf friends and receive money either through ur winnings or red packets. fun all the same but since im not going to have any of that there isnt a point now is there?..im not bitter =P

anyways had a a long conversation with my parents yday and it was fun..i misss my mum..she was asking me if i was eating enough then i said nooo mum im starving mysellfF!!hahaha..and she was like..THIS GIrll AHH!!!..hehehe..my family is having a little dinner thing for my dad's bday and also CNY so i hope they'll enjoy itt...my mum actually booked me two jars of ACAR so i can still have them when i get back cus she knows i REALLY love them..soo sweet of her and shes getting darren to bring me some of my favourite cereal cookie thingy...happpyy :)...im even happier now cus my half term holss are starting in a weekk which meanss darren will be coming back soonn and that zati,felicia and the rest of them will be even closer to having our haagendaazs WAFFLESS and apple crumbleE in london!! we've been counting down..haha..so fuunny..i feel so bruneian when im with them in school like we sit on the flooor and talk about brunei with our brunei slangg with the "apa kan???""..sialan"""...pokoknya""..hahah..and yes ive managed to learn to incooperate these words in my sentences without sounding too awkward thanks to Zati!!hahaha..
and shes always telling me the latest brunei
gossipp..hehe..and we always advertise brunei to ur freinds saying its a land of unexpected treasures and WE Are the TREasures...^_^ APAKANN?????? theiir my like lil bruneian sisters that just makes my days so much more interesting..huhuh

last weekend i was down in london attending the imperial open day..it wass great and i really liked the lecturers. overall, it sounded like a really good place to study.now i just have to visit some other unis to make a final decision. i had korean food with clarie,jlo and vivi that saturday night in china town and it was so exciting cus it was the first time i had it :)...then straight after that we went to the hongkong cafe to drink teh c and jlo ordered some fried chicken thingYY,OMG we were sooo full not even funnyy...but it was fun cus it was a night out with the girlyss..then the next day we went back to bedford together where our feet were killing uss..

anyways happy new year everybody...and i hope you will have lotsa luck and wealth coming your way for thiss year!!!...
gong xi fa cai?

my DAD...MY papa ..my pillar of strength. my dad's birthday is on 5th February!! i miss him so much and i wish i could be there with him on his birthday. i love my papa, hes they type of man that doesnt say much but u know he has the worries of the world in his eyes. i am so thankful to have such a great dad.. i guess the relationship my dad and i have is sort of unique..i know he always sees me as the 12 year of girl complaining on why i have to attend taekwondo classes though i was GIRL and thought the training was HORRIBLE!!!..hehe...my papa is a great man and he truly is..he built himself up from nothing just by his own self determination and motivation.He never depended on anyone else for his successes it was either he would make it or he wouldn't. in a way, my dad sees life black and white without any distractions or useless worries. and he always says if u want something u have to go and get it yourself. Even his first breathe in this world was a struggle and one which he survived.

well of course, a man is never an island on his own which is why he always says that his family is his best accomplishment and that if everyone was happy and healthy he couldnt feel more content. everytime i think about him i start to tear up and miss him....

i remember during my GCE english orals and the person asked me who was the person i admired the most..i answered my father and explained why..i forgot what i said but all i remember was starting to have tears in my eyess!! OMGG..they must've thought that i was some sort of psychopath and i tot i definitely failed my english oral..aaha but luckily i didnt :)..
i also remember when i was 9 , my dad would always bring me swimming and one day he asked me to swim across the deep end!!! i was terrified and i was glued to the ladder thing for like 15mins he kept trying to persuade me to do it but i was so scared so finally he came and i held tight onto his neck and we swam together..then we would after that always go to the video store in BSRC and rent tapes together. he would always rent some random kung fu movies and il be there picking out movies like my lil princess and timberwood lands =)
And every afternoon around 2.30 my mum would boil water and have tea with my dad and i would come along with my big mug pouring tea and adding loads of milk..hehe..while listening to my mum and dad chattering away ..i think thats how i got addicted to tea!!..hehe..then by 4 oclock i would follow my dad to the club where he would play golf and il be playing tennis then at around 630 il be sitting at the car park waiting for my dad to come with his buddies then drive back home together and sometimes even singing his oldies songs or my simple plan cDS( well he wouldnt sing to them but maybe lower the volume down when i play it too loud) >_<

everyday i count my blessingss especially for the presence of my family.....when everything and everyone else disappoints at least i know i have some where to go back to.

i never claimed to be perfect and you knew that..
never promised you sunshine everyday...
i lay awake thinking of you..wondering if ur thinking of me too..
the words i wish u could hear..
im on the floor waiting for you to pick me up..
my pride and heart collides constantly,...
im thinking ..im wondering..im hopingg...
i wanna keep u forever until the end...
we may not be perfect but we dont need to be,,
we dont have to be a hallmark card..
just us...without any exteriorss...
just the beating of two heartss simultaneously..
please hold on...dont let goo..
my one chance at happinesss..
i dont want you to be door that i was too afraid to open!
never claimed to be a poet..
just a girl forming silly sentences <3

when i hug you.... =)