disintegrate

rate

and i said..Whaa????..>_<

happy birthday clarie! claries turns 19 today!! hehe.. yday after school cathrin and i went to town to get a cake,card and a present for clarie since it was her birthday!! we were suppose to just bring the cake at midnight then eat it but then antonia and cathy wanted to join in the fun so they made congee with their rice cookerss!!haha..so cathrin,j.lo,antonia,kimy,jojo,joyce,kiko,cathy and i surprised her at like 12 then we had a mini birthday party tilll 1 plus..everyone was like sooo sleeppy but i became so hyper i couldnt sleep for awhile after that. then just now for dinner we had chinese takeaway!! yum-o!!..my dads birthdays next week and i miss him soo much!!..u just cannot believe !!..

hrmm..i didnt do much today just same old schooll..

there are things i said i wish to take back,
i didnt mean for it to get so out of whack,
my life is nothing but black,
feels like im a big ugly sack,
sometimes i wanna give myself a smack!!

" come girls, its monday morning think positive!!!"....
louisa replies " ITS monday!!!...positive thinking is for WEDnesday"

im gonna go catch some ZZZZzzzzzzZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.................(=_=)

i miss the sand between my toes and the water sweeeping pass my feet...

anywayss..ive been in such random moods lately its starting to wear me down. there are things that ive done im not proud of and if i had the chance to do it all again im almost certain that i would change those moments. but what is there left to do now? somethings are already broken beyond repair and some have lost its will power and it all comes down to me!..why do i do this?..why cant i accept good things that come my way..i tend to question its motives and why it had to happen..when did i become so skeptical of the world? once uve been burned its hard to forget the pain..though the memory of the pain may disappear the scars are still left behind.

sometimes i cant deal with my own self..this teenage angst within me is getting really annoying cus all i want to do is to shut it out and forgET EVERYTHing!!! why cant i forget??? just when i think im free it creeps back up on me and takes me by surprise..oh how i hate u..i hate what uve done to me...are u happy now?

but then again...i cant give you the feeling that u still have power over me..because u Dont.and i refuse u to have any..its my life and i can take control of it..it may have been insignificant to you but right now i really dunt care anymore..enough have been said..

DAMN...i think im turning into a schizo!!!!

on a brighter note !!! =P...

"i really do not think that i have already won it, the one thing i do however is to forget what is behind me and do my best to reach what is ahead.So i run straight towards the goal in order to win the prize, which is God's call through Christ Jesus to the life above."

i hope barack obama wins the election. i am hoping that with his victory that segregation within communities due to racial backgorunds will start to diminish. i mean it is impossible to stop it completely but maybe there will be some ray of hope for those who feel they are unfairly treated just because they are a minority in the society. we are all human beings who deserves a voice that can be heard. whether we like it or not, america will have a great impact on our life as it is one of the dominant forces today. i just hope they wont be fucking stupid and elect someone
like george bush again!! i mean he may have thought he was doing the right thing but i think weighing the pros and the cons i would think SAVing lives would be top priority and not sacrificing more! its ridiculous how many more lives continued on dying after 9/11. what did the after math of 9/11 teach us as youths of the world?..REVENGE IS SWEET? though its depressing to realise that, it is true. with all those brilliant minds in congress im sure a better solution would've have been made if only he didnt have the need to protect his ego.

i miss u!

are u kidding me?? for reall??? SOMEONE slap mee or just pinch me pleASe.!!!

i had the most amazing day today...something i cant even begin to decribe..hehe..well first off we had a really funny 6th from assembly done by mr.griffiths =) talking about whatto expect about firs week of uni..such as money matters and chat up lines that we might come acrosss..

so he suggested these:
1. when they created the alphabets they shouldve placed u and i together!!!
mr.griffiths response "girls, just give him a good slap"

2.are u parents aliens? cus theres nothing like u in this world!
mr. griffiths response "Girls, just sweep this guy off!! cus its obvious he is mentally ill"

3.Finally, Can i please stare at u for 10 seconds? so that i can remember u in my dreams!!
mr.griffiths response " Girls,...RUNN!!!!"

well anyways it was a good start of the day with much laughter, then fiona and i went into the computer rooms to check our mails..then i saw that i had received from an email from imperial college london!!! i was a mess because i thought they were telling me that they hated me and now they are rejecting me!!!

BUT..when i opened the mail, it said.we are pleased to inform you that you have been given an offer to do Biology!!!...i stopped reading there because all of a sudden i lost control over my own body and started crying and screaming and jumppingg.!!! and all this while fiona was staring at me with a big GRin =)...then she gave me a big hug!!hehehe..i wass soo eCstatic!!! i couldnt keep still so i msged the peepps that just had to knw right a way!!!..ehehe..ohh my goooddNESS..have u ever had that feeling where u werent really sure if the decisions you've made in your life were the right ones? and if all the hard work and pain staking moments of frustration was all worth it..at that VERY moment everything seemed so much clearer and i didnt have anymore regrets of what i did in the past because any sacrifice that was made HAD to be made in order for me to get to this point!! all i could do was cry and thank GOD with sincerity and with massive gratitude! just 2 years ago, going into university was a big blur for me..but now its here and im like WTH!!!...i got an offer from the 5th ranked university in the world...i mean...DONT WE HAVE AN AMAZING GOD? that works in mysterious ways ,planning our livess bigger than we can evr hope ..now just as long as i reach the requirment needed il get in..please pleasee =(..i have one foot in but now i need the other too..>_<
im not trying to brag or anything because i want as many people to experience what i experienced..which was finally getting the benefits of hardwork!..i want everyone in their lifetime to have that feeling in whatever form or shape....muakz and this is my blog so im sharing the highlights of my life..hehe

A passage from philippians chapter 2

"shining as lights in the world"

so then, dear friends, as you always obeyed me when i was with you,it is even more importhat that you obey me now while i am away from you.Keep on working with fear and trembling to complete your salvation, because GOD is always at work in to make you willing and able to obey his own purpose.
Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may be innocent and pure as God's perfect children, who live in a world of corrupt and sinful people. You must shine among them like stars lighthing up the sky, as you offer them message of life.If you do so, i shall have reason to be proud of you on the Day of Christ, because it wil show that all my effort and work have not been wasted.Perhaps my life's blood is to be poured out like an offering on the sacrifice that your faith offers to GOD . If that is so.I am glad and share my joy with you all. In the same way, you must too be glad and share your joy with me.

sometimes im amazed at my own concentration because on some days it can last for hours without me realising it but there are days just like today where my mind refuses to stay focus and concentrate on more pending issues like my exam coming this wednesday. there has been a constant nagging feeeling in my head since i had that dream last night. i have no idea why i had that dream but all i know is that its been affecting me since the moment i woke up. i hate this feeling right now so hopeless and doubtful , all i want is to shut it out but i cant. i dont want to be this person anymore.

we had an assembly today and it was about LIFE...there are people that spells life in this way lIfe with a capital I!! which means evrything has to revolve around them and its always..ME, me and ME!! and there are some people who spells it lIFe..with a big IF!! if only life was like this...if only i had this..if only i was that smart..these people usually have alot of complaints and usually live life with alot of regrets then there somes the people that spell it like this LIfE...with a big LIE!! these people live a fake life and is never living life with truth because as humans we are surrounded my lies for example..BUY this and u will be beautiful and USE this to be cool or whatver...and finally some people live life with a big L...in Life which means they are always learning...taking life as a test run but never taking responsibility over their actions...they always say things like...wellll nobodys perfect and oh well u nevr can tell with things like this..always prepared with another excuse..

it was pretty interesting assembly and it gave us Food for thought for today!!..hehe...happy birthday anna banana!!1 it was fun talking to you and veenah cus it felt as if i was there with u guys too...we're still laughing over the most randomest things just like back in st.johns..so i would just like to say...

to annalene...we've been friends for as long as i could remember..my best friend since primary 2..i remember seeing u for the first time in teacher josephines house for tuition..we were so youngg and small..us waiting at the balcony for our tranport to come..and then seeing u in st.johns and recognising u..we were like so obsessed with spice girls that u always gave me sooo many posters of them which i loved..u were even there when i had my very first puppy-love crush.. =)..i tink we went to the same tuition from primary 2 all the way to form 5..and have gone through soo much together,,,u were there during the happiest and saddest of times..never failing to give me a hand..i truly treat u like a sister and in every relationship there will be ups and downs but no matter what u are engraved in my heart...i remember our coinbox sessions and veenahs mum apparently falling down when she was gardening???..hahaa..i cant forget party planning with u veenah and charm and how it would always be such a big deal!! and all our sleepoverSS!!! ahh they were always fun and full of junk foodd!!...we even made a list of who our future husbands might be though mine dont really count anymore so no tiffany bracelets for u guys but i think VEENAHS one still has a possibility..hahaha..we had the same haircut when we were younger and our plans to actually live by the beach and be surfer chicks living in huts like BLue crush!!...

to charmm. HAPPY birthday =)..how can we forget JOEY!!!hahaha...we became really close when we pri 6 due to spice girls and our random dance sessions in your house and esp one with ur dresses and living room!!OMGGG withh BRown eyes just there...and we started hiding behind the couch ..i dont know what the heck we were doing but it was sooo funny...and me trying to cut ur fringe thinking i was such an expert when it turned out soo BAD cus i cut it too short which forced u to use a clip for the next few weekss...i remember picking up shells on the beach with u ..im still not sure why we were so excited over it!! as we kept screaming APA ni???.we have had loads of embarasssing momentss such a our spice girl routines which we actually performed OMGG and even when werent suppose to just like variety night where we stood on our chairs..i mean we must've been the most craziest and confident 12 year olds there ever was in sT>johnss cus we really didnt give a damn just as long we were having a good laugh =)..i love our bandar trips with the other 2 retards,,,cus we always end up doing stupid thingss..like getting our pictures taken and setting off the security alarm!!! i mean WTH!!! its only when im with u guys things like that happen =P...and of course what would our teen years be without boy drama!!!...always one to tell us the latest gossip and new and up coming coupless!!ahhaa...anywyas all and all we've been thru alot and i miss u like hell and wishing we werent all so far apart....

VEEnah...i know its not ur bday but the hell right??...i misss you TTOOO!!..ahaha...evrytime i talk to you u always make me laugh like a retard and i feel as though ive always have a friend in u..eventhough im like 3000 miles away from u when im tears or in pain ur still the one i come running to..hahaa..sorry for being such a bother..i know i should get a lifee but sometimes i just need someone who truly understandss and i know that person is u...time and time again i seek comfort from you when im tears cus i know that ur a place without judgement...uve had my back and hopefully i had yours too.....when i tink about our memories they just flood through me cus theres so many..ur always accompanying me when i need to go panaga and we'd basically freak over "U know WHO!!" and most certainly runaway from her as far as possible.it still makes me laugh thinking about why u were so afraid TOO??..ahahha...anyways...our serious FAT FEAST!!! with my double cheeeseburger and ur SUBmarinee!!!...ahaha..those were the days...where we ate whatver we wanted not caring about a calorie!! =)...

anyways....thanks guyss for making my teen years what it was cus it would've been so pointless if we didnt have our piggy-back competitions and seriously Loud laughters during break times that scared little children and the canteen people!!..we seriously became professionals in getting free stuff...where faza brian and safarul got the worse of it!! that even one day the canteen pppl started giving us free food...anywyas this wasnt suppose to be an emo blog but more of a stroll through memory lanee ...>_<..love u guys

i wish i could live life precariously like i had nothing to worry about except for the bees and the birds!! but unfortunately i have bigger dreams and though it seems like a shit load of work right now i hope that in the end it will be all worth it. seconds of zombi-like happiness for centuries of passion. i want to make the best out of this life and not settle for mediocrity well im not necessarily criticsing but more of questionng why settle for less when you can have more? now is that so bad?..

my mind tells me one thing but my heart tells me this:
sacrifices have to be made and no matter how hard or how impossible the truth may be in the end it will eventually come tumbling into my life so we have to decide which path its going to take the easy or the hard way. i prefer the easy way but something tells me that it most certainly will always come through the hard way. damn, my perception of beauty must be so messed up thinking that mary-kate olsen is actually pretty!! hole moley!! =P..

A lady who was a representative from parliament : a conservative MP to be exact came into skulto give a talk today during assembly. it was interesting cus we were discussing about what is the most difficult issue being faced by todays UK government. she mentioned something of deterioration of society and how we have lost our identity within a society and that our familiar structures are slowly breaking down and normal accepted behavious is no longer known. there is no incentive for working class citizens to actually want to get out of poverty as they feel it is hopeless to even try and that crimes and drugs are slowly encroaching and manipulating peoples desperation. i thought that was a really interesting point because yes there is a definite deterioration and its happening all around us which brings to mind about our traditional structures we use to have. the norms of social behavious such as what are our roles as children and adults and even grandparents though it seemed silly to generalise ..people did seem more put together and happy?it may have been unconcious happiness because that was what was expceted. was the structure so bad? was it good that we broke out all the pandora's boxes and give into ALL our desires and wants without really realising there was a reason for why society had been built up this way?...

sometimes i wonder...are we tooo smart and aware for our own good?

holeymoley!!!

i had my chem exam today module 1!! it went pretty much swimmingly!!!hahahaha...i was freaking out this morning and had minor panic attacks cus i really needed it to be good. when i was writing the exam in the hall i felt like i couldnt breathe for that one hour as i was racing against time and i mean that literally, question after question i recognized it!!! i was so happy by the end of it because it felt like all the adrenaline was pumped out of me and i can finally reach the ground again!!i just hope that my biology exam next week can go well tooo cus i am in desperate need of help with ecology i mean i love studying biology and evrything but ecology is definitely not one of my strong pointss so i jst need to continue slaving away with the books and past year papers!!! i actually celebrated today by drowning myself in gilmore girls episodes 4 hours to be exact!!..funny...i got really hyper after that and i didnt understand why. tomorrow is the start of the weekend which means it WILL be stressful , it feels as if weekdays are less stressful than weekends nowadays cus if im not doing work i feel so guilty about it so i tend to sit at my table the whole day..im such a nerdd!! i wanna stab myself!!ahhaha...but oh well thats what i need to do i guess if i want to have a chance to get into a decent university...

darren called me just noww and i miss him soo much!! well apparenly, dome cafe will now be handed over to gripps which i am so pleased about.darren and i are absolutely fanatical and obsessed with this calamari sambal thingy that they havee . well actually darren first had the obsession and i was introduced to it which made evrything spiral out of control..ANYWAYSS..im just glad their opening a branch in gadong so meaning we dont always have to travel all the way to kiulap just get it anymore!!hahaha..yeah that was a silver lining as welll..hehhe..i miss him so much and im wishing that hes back here!!! i loveee my lil bananaboat!!! >_<.... i had the randomest dream last night , i dreamt that i met up with all my old friends from panaga last time and i saw marco,ranier and hannah...it was sooo weird and in my
dream we just kept saying "itss BEEN ages since we've last seen each other" ..weirdness..

one more weeekk baby!! and im done with examss and i can start to jsut chill for abit!! then back
to london for half term holidays and meeting up with all my bruneian peeps..oh yeah 2 of my friends got an offer from oxford to do chemistry and im so happy for themm they so deserve it anyways cus their fregging geniuses.. lulu ,cathrin and i were having a conversation last nite over dinner and we were talking about china and hngkong and the whole democracy and communist parties. its really sad how most people in the world are still being unfairly treated and how each of us has the potential to make a chnage though it may be something minor just as long as your passionate about it then it will bring you a long way. we dont have to be
kings or presidents to make a difference but just do what we're great at and hopefullly make a slight contribution to the improvement of our society wherver it may be...

time stands still when your around,
absence is such a suffocating feeling,
it slowly eats me away until i cant breathe,
your silence breaks me into pieces,
not knowing my left from my right,
you know me the best with every single imperfection,
you use it to only love me more,
i dont know how you do it,
but please dont ever stop,

so i got an offer from UCL( university college london) biomedical science!!..hehe..that was the thing that brightened up my day today >_<..another prayer definitely answered..thank you GOD!hehee...i might stop this bloggy thingy...i feel rather lazy to constantly post which otherwise makes this place stale and seriously it is a massive waste of time for me anyways.

anyways i did my math c3 exam today and it a complete disaster. a slight exageration?maybe! but i was still aggitated by some of the questions and i was annoyed that i couldnt answer them since the answer was just staring me in the face .oh, how i i loathe maths and i wish i didnt have to do it. i always i like maths but i have a feeling math doesnt like me! but yeah i talked to mum later and she was made me feel better well actually she was more concerned on how i was feeling since ive been ill for over a week now which i thought was sweet and it cheered me up after talking to her. my brother talked me as well telling me about his plans for his engagement dinner tomorrow in bandar and how he wished i was there too and hes quite sad that im not involved in the whole event but oh well duty calls. im feeling upset about it but then again just as long i dont miss the wedding its fine by me all i want is their happiness..eheh..

so yeah its the weekend..which DOESNT mean sleep ins or mindless tv surfing because i have a chemistry exam on the 17th! which is MAD and i need to do more revision i gave myslef the night off cus i cant seem to concentrate at the moment. hehe i found out when my last exams are and their in JUNEE!! weeeee which means il be back earlier ...earlier than planned i guess..ehehe..i cant believe i have another 5months of Alevels and its OVER!! WAA sooo scary. im gonna miss my idiot sisters when i leave, i wont be able to just walk into random rooms and start conversations when im sad,happy or just plain bored!!! dinners are usually pretty funny cuz we always sit by the same table and make random jokess about how disgusting the food can get and get overly excited when the food is GOOD...yes, we appreciate the thingss an outsider just wouldn't understand like inTERNET connections, home cooked meals, airportss and mail in our pigeon holes!haha..yes yes!! we are all we've got in a way, our families are miles away and we were maybe just 17 when we left home so we've managed to make a home away from home. though its just been a year and few months it feels like ive always had them as friends cus living with strangers is the fastest way to get to know anyone. i see them when i walk to school, go for breakfast ,some in my own classes, during lunch and then back at the boarding house, 24/7!!ahahaa..

its nice in a way knowing that your not alone and that someone shares what ur going through. cathrin came into my room and recorded over my phone messagee with stupid rhymess and laughterss in the backkground!! moments like that i will definitely missss...but now i just have to get my ass working so i can get into a decent university and make something out of myself!!! =P...but yeah home is still where my heart iss ...i misss my familYYY!!!!!!! they just crack me up sometimesss..

what i want?

i want to be hopelessly in love and not having a care of anyone around me. i want to hug you for as long as i want knowing that i dont have to LET GO. i wanna feel your embrace as if its the breathe of fresh air u desperately needed to survive. i want to not be afraid to show how weak and vulnerable i can be without having the fear of being judged. i want to express how i feel without a second thought and just be so real that it hurts. i want to travel the world and experience as much as i can, and yet i realise i dont want
to make a step without you next to me.i want to feast in italy , walk through the desert in egypt and swim in the blue beaches of indonesia.what i want is something you can give me and all i need to do is to not be afraid to ask!

hello my chicken littless...did u miss me?..well i missed going online in the comfort of my own room here in oakhouse. so im back at the house and had a major work out just dragging my suitcase around london.my back almost gave out as i dragged it up the stairs to my room but i presevered and just told myself"just few more stepss ok?"..hehe..so here i am...my winter holidays were amazing and eventful. well basically i went to london and hertfordshire. darren and i became movie buffs as we didnt really have anything else to do and also we became food conoissieurs(not sure how u spell it) but yeah we kept eating out and cooking ourselves.he's so proud of me cus i seem to have a knack at cooking which is something i never knew about myself.hehe..even when i was in brunei hall and my frens were really hungry after the movies so i cooked pasta for them and they said it was really yummyy!!..ahaha..but then they got really high after eating
it so they wondered if i had spiked the pasta!!:P

well we spent christmas with my sister and brother. the funniest thing was my brother had a high fever on christmas so we just spent christmas in out hotel room watching christmass movies and eating noodles. some might say it was depressing but i thought it was great cus i had my loved ones surrounding me and making me laugh. it felt nice to feel a piece of home again. my sis and i kept teasing my brother for being a weakling while darren observed how different i tend to act when my siblings are around in a good way =). i shall them sooonn enough and oh yes im counting the days. darren and i spent new years dining in bella italia and at midnight watched parts of the fire works and it was extremely crowded which made me have a minor panic attack as i felt so small and kept getting pushed around so darren led the way and pushed evryone out of my way so that we could get into some open space which turned out to be the best viewing place. the fireworks were insane ..it was an insane 1million pounds worth of things burning!!hahaa...the last bit was crazy cus sumthing exploded and the sky went all bright as if the sun was out!! after the countdown and fireworks the streets went wild ,ppl running ,singing and laughing....it was definitely eventful =)

i watched ps;i love you without darren as he left to brunei alreadyy!!! and it was soooo sad and touching i basically cried through the whole thing.it s the greatest romantic comedy movie ive EVER watched. it made me cry laugh and angry all at the same time. it made me miss darren even more that i couldnt stand itt!!!ehhee..so whoevr cant stand soppy love story then i caution u that this is definitely one of themm...im back in school and im half dreading and half anxious about it because exams are coming up and then another 6months and im done with all this.i hope everyone had an amazing start to 2008 and is well prepared for whatver might pop up , the good and the bad....another year meaning another year to grow...

well, my brother is offically engaged...he proposed on new years and she accepted!!hehe how sweet...my brother even asked if i approved before he asked and i thought that was so sweet and it made it even sweeter cus he gave me an angel necklace encrusted with diamonds after i said YEAH.hehe..i love my siblings cus no matter what they'll always have my back.....

***dear veetag, i hope ur feeling better and that it doesnt hurt too much anymore. i'd definitely be there everyday if i was back and be at your wait and call. hahaha seriously!..and dont worry a difficult start doesnt necessarily mean a difficult journey to the end!! =P..love u my best friend!

by the way i have fallen ill. i have a cold,sore throat,loss of my voice and a cough. im pissed off cus my taste buds do not work and i feeel like im having an out of body experience....i love the song the mixed tape by jack's mannequin!!! =)