disintegrate

rate

i know that i will never have to walk alone as long as i have you in my life...

we went to london yday and basically walked around for 6hrs. it was fun exploring london and walking around streeets that we've never been before. i was quite surprised after 3hrs we actually reached china town somewhere we actually recognised where we had dimsum!!(HEaven!!).it didnt feel like 6hrs cus we kept stopping at random stores and places that seemed unique.i decided to go to starbucks but only after passing maybe ten starbucks did we finally sit down. i like the ones with the comfy couches and not overly crowded so we went on a "lets find the nicest starbucks"mission..hehhe,,,it was a good and relaxing weekend at least it kept my mind off the stresses that have been peering over my head lately..feels like its going to blow up in my face soon so i have to get on iT!!! tomoro is the start of a new weeek AGain!! ..i hope i make it through!!...i wish i had more control and stability because right now i feel so wary and doubtful!...he actually cooked me bfast lunch and dinner =) he made this pasta thingo that smelled like penne arrabiata from frats and it actually tasted yummier..hahaha....i love my boyfriend so much! he keeps me sane and sometmes gives me the wake-up call i so NEED from time to time.....

why is my life crowded with boundaries?..i didnt even realise i had created such a mess that know im shoved to a corner, unable to move!

i reallly wish, i really hope..i really wish and really HOPEE..pllssss..cus i realli wish and really hope

hey U!!!yeah u the one reading this blog..is reading abt my life worth a minute of ur time?

>_<

i feel like im bombarded by all the OTHER things when all i need is you lord .im trying hard to remember and find my way back so i wont lose you forver.. evrything seems bleaker and definitely darker*

i fell in love today...felll in love with the new enrique iglesias song called somebody's me! i just love evrything
the song.i have continuously listening to it today!! such a sweet song and not a bad thing that enrique is H-o-T..he iss !! and definitely NOT gay!!..seems like evry love song that i listen brings me back to him. even when the song has nuthing to do with our situation but i imagine it and go off into my own lil world where only you and i matter.i love that ur not afraid...i love that ur brave for the both of us..when im unsure i know that u are..when i have lingering doubts u blow it all away! i love that u picked up the pieces and didnt run away...

last nite we went to tina's house for her 18th bday. the house was sooo pretty and they even had a ranch next to it and there was a beautiful white horse called mr.blue! it was dark so i couldnt realli see it but once i did i was so excited such a pretty and gentle animal it was. tina set up the backyard with candles and sofa's ..she hung christmas lights in the garden glass house and it really reminded me of the movie..under the tuscan sun.. seemed so mediteranean..the nite was filled with laughter and food!.the girls just danced to random songss we kept singing along to summer 69! sucha a nice song..then at nite i slept on the sofa taht was next to the huge window that when i lied down i could see the stars..sooo nicee!! cus we were in the country the stars were so obvious and the more u looked the starts u noticed looked like millions and billions..it was a cute nite..hehe..

he left few hours ago and his family was all sad and he was realli sad as well..ii started to cry as well cus i knew how it felt and i knew the feeling of having to part from ur loved ones not knowing when ul return..its hard to do but he remained strong and focused on the positive..i feel liberated in some way today..i realise that i am not a child anymore im turning 19 in a month and whether or not il accept it im turning into a young adult and having to figure out what i want from my own life and how i am going to live it..the decisions that i make are based on what i tink is right and i no longer can blame anyone.

" its our life cycle, and the caterpillar is slowly breaking from its cocoon..to finally be what it was always meant to be.. a butterfly!"

the worst thing and the best thing alll wrapped into onee =)

weelll weell..the weekend is finally here agen to bless us with its presence ...happiii =) the funniest thing happend last nite cathrin was realli bored so she went into jeniffers room while she was in the shower then went to her computer and found a picture of a naked chinese man holdin gup a chinse sign on the streets and obviously not a compleltely naked onee..still it was completely stupid that she put it as her desktop..then clarie cathrin and i was sitting on the bed screaming for jeniffer to come outt until she actually broke the shower head cus she was panicking..then she came out and we were laughing hysterically then she was like what did u guyss do aagen ur laughing soo evil-like..then we were likee nuthing we're just bored can u play sme musicc..then she went to her computer and started screaming and saying ' EWwwwwwwwwwwww....soo disgustingg!!' gosh her facial expression was priceless....

anyways tonite i just slacked as cathrin and i went shopping at the supermarket and stocked up with junk foodd...then came back and called my cousin alicia who had just arrived two weekss ago as well and is now happily settled in manchester wit the rest of her family...yepp yepp so that was good..then mariam jo grace and i watched the illusionist in the common roomm..mariam reeled me in to watch it by saying she will offer me cheesecakee!! yum..ehehe but then it got soo overwhelmingg..but anyways the movie was soooooo gooodd so twsited and CRAzyyy just howww mvies shouldd be...unexpected and shockingg...it was such a goodd moviee....highly recommended by urs truly...hehe..tmororw is tina's bday so shes having a party at her house then gonna have a ssleeepp over..it should bee funn..hoefullyy >_<...hecticc hectic scheduless has led me to believe that i have boarded a time machine thats going way too fast....where has this weeekk gonee?? i didnt even feell it to be honest but no matter cus it means il get to see my peanut realllyy soonn and thatss AMAZINGGG!!!!!!...ohh yesss it iss..definitelyy =)

itss 1am now and i am still wide awakee..what is the matter with mee??.. i should get to bed so i can have an early start tomorrooww...timess a wasting ppl..before we know it we're 30 and wondering where our youth was spent?im random when its late at nite...

basicalllyy im feeeling rather nostalgic today and i miss home terribly!! i just miss all the things i did and all time spent with my loved oneeess....hrm itss sad having to leave ur place of refuge and venture out into the huge abyst...all i had was myself when i stepped on the soilss of england and it was up to me to allow it to make me or break me...yeas many have gone before me and have successfully completeddd all of it but when the shoe is on ..comfort is just a word but as for now a year has passed and i am happy to confirm that im ok and that i will be ok...i just have to take it a day at a time and i dun have to be alone anymoree...he is coming soon..he whom i love the most and the onee i cant not speak to for even one day...life is fuulll of expected surprises!! we can plan and pray for what we want in life but we soon realise its not in our control cus if it was there wouldn be any thing such unexpected surprises..

i had such an amazing summer now it just feells as if it didnt even happen..i misss playing badminton with ren and his family..i actually broke his racket into haf once and it was sooo scary and funny cus we kinda crashed into each other to hit the ball thingo.hehhee..and our bball competition where we lost to his sibs so we had to do the siissy run around empire sports hall..i reallly misss our drive aroundsss cus we would alwes end up driving to pointless placessss...and fight over which song to listen to and once he just gave up and we basically listened to gwen stefani '4 in the morning' literally from morning till night. and it was sooo hilarious when my dad let him drive my green car which is like the most cacat car in the whole wide worldd cus it doesnt have power steering and so he kept stalling on the roadddd..and i keptt teasing him that he was embarassed to drive my dads car!!.

imm looking for meaning and wisdom in my lifee..that is what i ultimatelyyy require..i desire to be lovedd and to loveee...my mumsss birthday is tomorrow and itss sad that my sister and i cant be there for herr!! i wish i was thereee and actualyy celebrate it with herr..if only london to brunei was like singapore to brunei//thingss would just be soo much less complicatedd...i remember going to ilotus mothers day when my whole family was there..i dunno why but it felt like a really long time ago and the only memory of us actualllyy spending timee as a whole family...

* i hope that u will wait for mee_______________________

life is getting so stressful and its sucking the life out me..ive only been in skul for a week and im alredi drained...gahh =(...hrmm was just randomly wondering about death? i mean what happens to one self when the spiritthat keeps our heart beating is gone..would we feel like we're in a verry verryy deeep sleepp...i wish i could switch to that mode for awhile...i cant take the pressure.,..and i cant being help being so imperfect...i dunno whats going on with me...i hope for one thing but end up doing another thing.....i hate arguments,misunderstandingss and feelingss of envy..we're living in a superficial world where we value possesions more than we value our own self..why were we made to be this way? why are we so aimless...questionss linger on for years but yet STILL no answer =(.....i reckon we're all dreaming and one day we'll finaly wake up and god will ask us what did we dream about?

anyways my flights been booked and im going to washington on the 17th =) it should be funn!!!...i cant wait to see my sister itss been ages since ive seen her...and renren is arriving on monday so hopefullyy i get to see himm...fingers crossed*...i cant believe its almost the end and i have another ten months till im done with high school...its completely mind boggling but i know thats it is definitely time for me to step into the real world...

...wawawa!!! >_<..im so bored at this moment..getting worrried about my personal statement i hope its good enough to actually get a place in my top 3 universities..hopefully il get in and that god has a plan for me!...but all i can say is thank u from the grace of god in allowing me to get my results..the first time was such a let down but with perseverance and motivation from my lil group of supporters it turned out great =)

i have single room and its so pretty..my view looks out to the garden and the big oak tree always has some squirrels running up and down and some pretty birds minding their own business while i stare out into space.... i have another year here and out into the cold cold world....i am who i am and i know u love me for who i am and whoevr i aim to be...im gonna see my sister in a month and it'll be pretty cool maybe even check TRL in time square..i actually have to book my ticket soon..hrm..i dunno what to do...another month then its hloidays agen!!..ahhaah ..damn ppl in the uk get so many holidays ..not that im complaining =)...today we saw a girl passed out at watkins foyer..pretty freaky!

remember when i told u i love u...

im lying on my cloudd nine!

so im back here...arrived a few days ago..i miss brunei and the people there!!. hrm being back realli made me realise what a wonerful and special place home really is and its largely due to all the people present there. i met all my family and friends..good times =) i spent loads of time with my mummy..having bfast with her evry morning where she will be dragging me off bed then going for aerobics..hehe and our saloon days..hehe..i miss that!!..i reallly misss her..though we dun always see eye-to-eye but she knows what type of a person i am. well i practically did everything i set out to do when i was back.. =) lets see..i actually went to temburong with my brother,cousin(killie) and darren.!.it was so much fun cus like we actually had to use these river boats to get there and then we reached these cabins by the rapids. we hiked up a thousand steps and reached the peak then had to climb up these ladders, by the end of it we were out of the forecst top and looking at the sky!! it was soooo beautfiul and it made me feel like i was on top of the world...ehhe..we then had a swim in the river water it was hard cus the current was so strong and water sooo cold..hehe..i kept being swept away and so i kept screaming at darren to help mee!!..

oh yah...my lvoe actually got out of NS for me..it was such a shocker cus i didnt know he was actually coming out and then while i was in my mums room one evning my mum called me and when i came out ..there he was..smiles and all.. blush* eeks.....i was so happy cus i was thinking how sad it would be if he wasnt here in brunei..yeah anyways i went for my attachment thingy in bandar where darren picked me up early morning for breakfast then dropped me off at work...where i learned loads of thingss about the science departments in brunei and how the labs are runned here.....yeah so that was fun two weeks.. then i went to singapre with papa.mum and brandon..that was a fun 5days.i went on a shopping frenzy and it was great...i misss family time esp cus i feel so far away from them while im here...also my lil brother aint little anymore hes a boy now and its sad that i cant realli see him grow up..we dun fight as much as we did when we were little but now get along more like friends which is nice too ..

i went for a tennis camp hosted my coach domingo where coaches and players from phillipnes came..MAN it was freaking tiring and sooo sooo FUN!!i almost passed out..like 3hour training sessions under the blazing sun!! it really did test my endurance and my own motivational skills..ehhe...but i cant wait to join another one..how i wish i joined more when i was younger! ah wellls.i misss my love..i miss driving around aimlessly...time seems to always fly by when im arround him and slow down when we're apart..how sad,long distance is a bitch but im glad we dun have to do it for long..i dun care what other people think and what expectations they may have upon me cus right now all i know is that i love him and if i mean it then why not act like it..cus basically in this life we are judged by our actions and not by our words...dun hold onto the person u tink i am cus i nevr pretended to be sumthing i wasnt...i just want u to be happy but please dun create an impossible situation for me...yes,i get hurt and disappointed so dun expect me to be a porcelain dolls thats fragile n cannot be broken cus ive been thru more than u know so its my turn to be happy..

i lvoe alll my friends in brunei and it was fun hanging with them all being cacat and LOUDD!! always laughing at psycho thingss...going out for TEA and dinner...thanks guys =)