disintegrate

rate

u gotta know urself to be urself **...........im sucha dreamerrr^_^

when i woke up this morning i had two reallii great msgss .!!

1. well my darling msged mee =)..eheheh

2. MY mummyy alredi confirmed my tickett!!! wawawaw..ahahhaha..so happyla...=)...cant wait and i told her il be giving lil kids hiphop classes in her studio during my hols..it will soo soo funnyy and cute :)...cnat u imagine lil kids dancing to usher an looking alll cool..YA MANN THATSS GONNA BE MA STUDENTSS!!...ahahah..yepp and i mite go for tennis lessons with the new coach in panaga..cus i heard hes pretty goodd =) its like freakishly hot today!!!!..cant handle heat our roomm is basicallyy boiling i wonder how it will be when i get backk,...for sure il be extremely bitchy towards the weather..hehe..i did some shopping in river island!!..fun fun..i need to look for a black skirt!!! =)..and look for a pressie for bri bri..eventho its like a month away!!,,SHYT I HAVE EXAMS..im losing my mind :P...

i will be going down to london tomorrow...it feels as though
i go to london at least once a month and its getting annoying...travelling is such a bitch!.....our realliii realli nice housekeeper is retiringg and we will be having a fairwell for her tomorrow =(..its soo sad..shes like the kindestt and sweetest lady evrr...she's like 60 and she alwes makes bfast for us and alwes ensures that we use our coats when its cold and always syas' have a nice day girls"awww..shes the sweetest and we're all gonna be so sad when she leaves.. =(..i bought her this farewell gift..its this cd with 1960's music in it..i figure these were the type
of songs she listened to when she was our age....and its also like a card thing..hope she likes it.. =)..

very hot roomm!!!!....

had to get a new skin cus my other one became cacat =(...i loved it so much but then it turned against me >_<....so sad la...but then i reali like this one as well..so itsss ok i guesss!!

hehe...

i neeedd a hug fromm HImm.....i miss himmm....
i misss the roast chicken thingy my maid makes..
miss watching tv with my lil bro...
misss having breakfast with my parentsssss....
and my dad asking me to order in chiNESE!!
i missss DARRENN,,,I loveee himm =)
i misssssssssssssss...duck rice in singapore!!!
seriously theres this place in the atrium sumwhere near takashimaya..they have fregging goodd duck rice..=)...soonnnnnnnnnnnn!!! =_=
i missssssssssssssss my lilcusins i bet their so big alredi..
i miss the beach....
i misss my retardssss...
i missssssssssss...............hrmmm what else do i misss??
ima gona go shopping tomoroowww..hahaha..WAGAMAMA!!...
i misss my sisters apartment...
i misss MY SISTER....our nite drivesss!!...
i missss my familleeehh....with all the imperfections...
their still the one i come running back to...

still in love with u...even after all this time..ur still the one!

my blog for today is realli random..its cus im in a really random moodd..HUGS LOVE U!!

ive beeennnnn watching hilary duff's reality show lately and its actuallyy really reallly nicee!!!...and im starting to realli like her..
she isnt the cookie-cutter girl that evryone sets her out to be...shess NORMAL and i like her

i guesss u can say im happy...content with life... >_<

everything isnt perfect..all my dreams havent all come true...
there are days..i stilll ask why?..
days where my tears seemm unending...
through it all...i am still happyy..
happy to be here..alive and living!!
i smile when the day the surfaces
and i laugh at the most mundane of things..
that way i dun go insane with the harsh realities of life..
most of all..im at ease...
so bring it on...
throw me all that u have to..
cus il find a way to smile again ..
may take me awhile to get there..but i will
its all cus of God..and his amazing grace,,,
im still so afraid of what tomorow might bring
BUT...
in him i trust that tomorrow will be better than today...
HE surpasses everything though intangible...
he makes everyday a miracle...

im living in his miracle*......SO CAN I GET AN AMEN!!

can u handle my truth?..

im having my fifteen minute break from studying so i decided to blog!!?!!..the exams are killing everyone..and it seems evryone i talk to ask me to kill them!!..aaha..cathrin and jeniffer keeps asking me to kill them cus they wanna do their exmas and when i chatted to peopel back home they wanna get killed TOO!!..ahahha...haiyah...no matter how far apart we all are we're basically going through the same shyt..i mean theres even a guy in botswana asking his fren to kill him cus he doesnt do his exam?...but of cus in his botwanian? language?..yeah yeah..so lastnite cathrin and i decided to create a lilttle havoc in the roomm by laughing like crazy and taking videos!!..id un exactly remember what we did expcet poured a box full of food on cathrin and vivi gave me sweets that we're suppose to give me an electrified feeling on my tongue evryone was feeling it but i was HUH?i dun feeel anything..so GIVE ME another ONE!! so i ate two and still no feeling...and then few minutes later i go..I FEEELLL IT!!!..it was a weird fuzzy feeling and basicallly we spent 5minnutes talking with out tonguess sticking out..then we ran into evrythinggg like the wall and cupboard...i threw my bubble wrap thingy cus we actually useed it for protection if we decided to run agaisnt the wall..but i threw it away and so we hurt ourselVEs!!

then we ran downstairs to the common room and watched southh park..it was the episode with osama bin laden and butt faced people!!..i have no idea what was going on but we just kept laughing anyWESs...then came upstairss and decided to curll my hairr!!...i got bored so i asked jeniffer if i could curl her hair..it took me damn 1hour to curl her hair..but it turned out prettyy-fied completely sonified!!.ahhaaha.

yep that was yesterday..i realli am jobless right now...i have been having realli random dreamss lately n freaking the shyt outa mEEe,,,darren introduced me to this lil girl shannin when i was back in brunei in dec and she is the CUTEST MOST ADORABLE AND SWEETEST girl u will ever meet in ur entire life and i love her to bitss and pieCES but sadly shes migrating back to singapore..AWwww i was so sad when he told me that..dangit i wana have a daughter just like her when i grow up :)..hhhhahhhaa...

ann* dont worry about ur paper man...i tink it should be alrite i mean SERIOUZLY..if not il go down to cambridge and look for ur paper MYSELF!!!...huhuh...

smack that il seee u in 6weeksss..wahahaha...

revision ,revision and MORE REVISION!!!???!!.. at the rate im going im gonna jump out of my room window though it cant even open properly!!..feeling the stress of evrything right now..stop pressuring me to do well..dont u think i know that i have to do well..if u think its motivation its realli NOT helpingg mee...if anyone should know better its me , i mean if i fail im the one that has to live with the consequencess...i know ur afraid that i might not succeedd but pls i need my space and some air to breathe before i suffocate to death..why do we have such short attention spans?...sumtimes i wonder if its the fear that once u actually take it seriously and browse through the book that u realise u realli DO NOT know anything and figure its too late to do anything about it now cus exams are right around the corner...so ud rather avoid the whole thing by procrastinating...we'd rather give up and not try at alll..rather than TRYING than later on failing cus that damages one self even more...trying with no positive outcomes...with not trying we have the comfort of saying..well i didn even try so yeah thats why i failed so i know im smart but just lazy u know!!...

hrrmmm....i said it once and il say it agen..the education system is screwed UP!!...education numbs us from feeling reality and setting up goals that not evryone can achieve...its unfair and its like a house of cards waiting to crumble...

i really missed him during that time and i realised i wannaa be with him forver and ever...doesnt matter how naive and senseless it all may sound...i realli dont caree!!?!!..he tries to understand me and provides me with a reason to trust him..in a way thats all i need...i have to stop playing the blame game and take responsibility for my own actions...i love him and i dont care what anybody else says about it...we're living in our own bubble ...hes my bubble - BOY!!??!!!...=)

things change,ppl change!!..
ive changeddd....
dun wait for me..
cus the one ur waiting for...
isnt showing up anymore...

hey... life is a skanky shyt

i hate math!!! i hate the whole fucking education systemm,...its totally messed up and i cant believe im stuck in this cycle thats bound to make u feel inadequate and stupid...its not as if im not trying what the hell do u tink im doing??...i fucking walk into ur class each day hoping to improve so dun diss me when im right in front of your face..dun compare me to HER when u know she is smart..why bother having a teacher if all ur students are smart..GET a clue and help the people that actually do need THE HELP...instead of praising the ones tht have alredi made it and then ignore the ones who are struggling...in a way i dun blame u.its the FUCKING SYSTEM!!..if i didnt care i would rather just skive all lessons and not give a damn...the problem is I DO CARE...thats the MAIN problem..i care toooo fucking much!!!..i dun need to feel this way...the numbers that im taught will not help me be a better person..the equations that i solve will not help me find the meaning of life..will it??....why is the system so screwed upp??..

i wannaa drop out and just live in egypt!

when i came back i broke down and so cathrin and i went to town and bought movies and junk foodd..so we basically are really stressed out with exmas and so we stuffedd our faces with food and now i feel like puking...tomorrow morning i have a tennis match =)..

i realised that i love u and i cant live without u...but....i wish it was that simple..etc etc etc....

if only

PREEEty right???

my roomieeesss........three peas in a POD!!

and yeah WE EAt!!!....~~~

WE love and Play it!!

WE laugh

remember the moments we had...

everything was beautiful..

u were beautiful...

remember the time we didnt have to say goodbye...

remember the time u made me forget...

forget that i was crying..

remember how i didnt feel alone..

on the day that u were born...

itS a brand new day!!!...the sun is out and im feeling much better nw..had my tennis match today we didnt win BUT HEY i played and was having a fun timee doing it...i shall get there one dAyy!!..ahaha...cathrin is the sweetest she woke reali really so we could walk togther to the park and sat there for 2hours while waiting me to finish my matcheSs. ..how nice of her to do that! and to make it worse we didnt have nice weather today cus it was so windy and rainy!! and i was in shortSS..i was freezing my butt off..but still FUN =)..last nite i ttook out this plastic bag with all our swimming stuff which we left for days alredi and she took it out..gosh the room smeellled like shyt after that and we were laughing like mad then she took it out and hung out it on the doorrr and the room remained smeellyy for AGEss!!.then we went through friendster and laughed at the funniest profile pictures just cus we are so nice that wayy!!then she printed out the lyrics ofr Change ur mind so we both could sing like maniacs and not just mumble to it!!..

i love my darren chai and he is soo soo AMAZINGGG...i loveee HIMMM..!!!!!hes the one i can count on even when im being sucha bitch and unfair hee stilll takes hold of my handd and tellss me he lovess mEEE...AAhhhh....i keep calling him my umbrellaa cus he protects me from the rain and from the sun rays!!..ehehe..so random but yea..he realises im not perfect but loves me more for it....MY hot chocolate on a cold day!!!!=)........ i hope he doesnt have to go to NS..LOVE dun gooo bahh!!..ehehe...cus that will mean i get to see him at airport...huhuh...il be getting my GREEN wilson tennis racket from him!!..ahahaha..YAYY!!!!.and for no particular reason i might add just cus i wantt it!!..hehehe..OH YEAH HES MY RAINBOW TOOO....

so yeah the girlies went for japanese and im in the room cus i supposedly should be studying my politics...but then im not..yeah anywes its an all u can eat japanese place so jeniffer is gonna stuff some in her bag so i have somee !!!...haha ..how nice of heRR!!...aahaha..oh well...so this week has been a reali important week for uk politics cus northern ireland finally agreed in continuing with their shared power parliament..for the past decadess the protestants couldnt get along with the catholics which caused alot of problems in the country...and now they finallyy have decided to end the hostility so that the healing can begin...

"Everything we have done for the past decade has been in preparation for this moment"
Tony Blair.

i love u..i love my life...An attitude of Gratitude...

"Change Your Mind"

Don't solve the problem,
when danger is better.
Far away where you stock them
In cages that tether
And all the bridges you've burned,
leave you trapped off at all sides.
And now the tables do turn,
and it's all gone,
what's left for you.
And when the sky is falling,
don't look outside the window.
Step back and hear I'm calling.
Give up, don't take the fast road.
It's just your doubt that binds you.
Just drop those thoughts behind you now.
Change your mind.
ou let go too soon.
Sit down, you're sinking,
there's no one to watch you.
Skip town, you're thinking,
there's no one to stop you.
And all the bridges you've burned,
leave you trapped off at all sides.
And now the tables do turn,
and it's all gone,
what's left for you.
And when the sky is falling,
don't look outside the window.
Step back and hear I'm calling.
Give up, don't take the fast road.
It's just your doubt that binds you.
Just drop those thoughts behind you now.
Change your mind.Let go too soon.
Don't run away,Stop feeling fine.
It's better than your worst, your worst day.
No words to say,
I'll give you mine,
and pocket all the hurt,
and just stay.
Don't run away.
It's better than your worst,
your worst day
.And when the sky is falling,
don't look outside the window.
Step back and hear I'm calling.
Give up, don't take the fast road.
And when the sky is falling,
don't look outside the window.
Step back and hear I'm calling.
Give up, don't take the fast road.
It's just your doubt that binds you.
Just drop those thoughts behind you now
.Change your mind.Let go too soon.
Don't run away.I'll change your mind.
Let go too soon.[x3]Don't run away.\
I'll change your mind.

i dun give a DAMMM~~~~~~~~~~..over and done with...ur outside the windoWW...my flipped paGEsSSsssss....im gonna be ok...give me TIMee just give mee TIMEE!!..one day..il be fine so dun u worryy about me..dun needd ur love dun need ur pity and dun even need urr support..cus my heart is stronger!!AFter u came aloNG..i know better NOWW.....i wont fall for urr sweett words and ur smile...OH shytt...not today but maybe tomorrow..

so yeah dun worry about me..il be fine...
i come running towards u only to realise u werent there in the first place!!..oh well

im ok.

my daily rambles and complaints**

anywwes..who decided it was time to give up our roles of being responsible?..what is responsibility anywes?..i cant imagine going on with life without it!!.so what does it mean when i cant handle it?..im alwes looking back and it seems whenevr i take one step forward i end up going 5 steps backwards...i just wanna get through life with as little scars as possible...is that too much to ask...sam gave me this book titled. A PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE WITH GOD..i havent started reading it..but yeah,,.basically i feel lost with GOD and i need to find my way back...hrmm...today was an ok day..i went to town during lesson time cus my politics teacher wasnt in but then they had a fire drill so my form tutor was panicking and asking evryone if they knew where i was..hehe but shes the nicest lady ever and i didnt get into trouble...it was muck up day today so the upper 5 were dressed in cops and robbers outfits and caused mayhem in school...like pouring bleach over the toilet seat and setting off the fire alarm..insane i tell u...hehe

if u cant alredi tell..im just rambling about my day..need to get started on revision...politics especially...feeling kinda down lately..and im not exactly sure why...or maybe i do?..alas life is an ever changing battle...

someone i once cared abt told me he'll love me forver...but he didn...
wheres the responsibilty in that?

so i ate so much cereal..now i feel like puking cereal!!

hehe..so i received my tennis racket in the mail today and ima sooo sooo happy..cus il be able to play with it on saturday for the tournament..hrmm i misssed it..its prettyy red and silver,..i still go WA°!!..i remember when i first got it and veenah was with me...and i kept hugging it and like playi be ng with it until i accidentaLLY swung it and smashed it on the ground..hrmm that hurt..and i gave it a name i tink,i tink it was rover cus it was a boy and i like RANGE ROVERS..ahaha..veryy weird...hehee..but its sad to say that rover might be replaced soon cus my darlings gonna get me a racket!!..its the new wilson one wwhich is like lime green and white..AWW itss soo sooo pREETTYY and i lovee it!:..hehe..so yeah but if i do get it il onli see it when i go back to brunei so yea..

welll....itss raining today and its abit depressing..i had like four lessons of politics today and it wasnt too bad realli..cus mr.griffiths kept cracking up jokes...and iil be so lost while doing the work..anywes im so fuill!! cus i ate cereal..no more cereall for me!!..ive been eating cereal for the past 3 weekss..im SICK OF IT°°..i keep listening to straight jacket feeling and it ends tonight by all american rejects..their preetty old but i love listening to it cus it kinda relaxes me and kinda expresses what im feeling at the moment...hrmm..ive been feeling kinda strange lately..thinking of the past and wats become of evrytthing..too afraid to look back and ask what if?..all we can do is move alongg...

less than 2 months baby!!...time flys when ur having fun?.....i need to go shopping!!!....i realli do....anywes il be going down to london in 2weeeks but its more of a study leave so i cant exactly do shopping then..but yea anYWES..il leave u here....=)...

make all my dreams come true..
say ul alwes be true..a
and that ul one day say i do..
mean it when u say i love u..
cus u know i cant be without u...
i wanna smile and dance
under the stars..
just like we use to do!!..=)

GIVE ME BAck the last fucking 3Years of my lifE°...

life is an unwinding journey..
so much to learn and understandd...
will i be able to figure it all out in time?
will i ever be able to differentiate the fakes and the truth...
why?why?

come back to where it all began...to where things were simple and the way u made use of my innocence...

"It Ends Tonight"

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Tonight
Insight
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight

myy Idiot roomatess =)

stop waiting for sumthing to happen...when u cant handle MY truth!

welll...i had the mosttt amazing day :)...i went swimming with jess,cathrin and melina thiss morning and it was fun.. then after swimming i had a double free and so stayed in the library doing politics questions....then when it was time to go to class my politics teacher wasnt in today which meant i had the whole day off cus on thursday i only have politics lessons..so that was the great relief well down to the amazing bit of my day...tennis has started for the summer term and i tried outt just now for the team and im in!!:) gosh i played for 2hours today and it felt so good..but then i feel slightly sick right now cus i tink i was dehydrated!!.so iil start playing in tournaments for the school and evrything!!..

well what really happened was..this morning after swimming i went to the PE dept and asked if there tennis training going on today and they said yeah at 245 meet at the playground..then at 1230 i decided to go the gym to find a racquet so i wouldn have to later after class at 230...so i just went alongg and i couldnt find any cus theere were only juniorr racquets but i just thought maybe sum other students were having games lessons and they'll return it by 230.then 230 comes along and i still couldn find any so i went back to the PE dept and asked if they had any left but they said no and said i shouldve had my own one!! (which annoyed me badly) determined to play tennis i walked back to the common room and asked ppl i barely knew if they knew anyone who had an extra racquet and then one of them told me she saw a racquet on the lockers but she didnt know whose one it was..as desperate as i can be!! i ran over to the lockers and tried to look for itt!!..but it wasnt there...all hope was losstt for me BUT then i was so freaking determined that i walked to the playground anyways without a racquet i didnt see the bus so i tot evryone left alredi so that was sad!...then i saw cynthia jess and lara so i just walked towards them and told them about my dilemma!..lara said that it should be fine and that they'll probably give me oneE!..but in my heart i knew they wouldn..then i saw our head of PE and told her that i reali wanted to play but i didnt have a racquet..and she replied..NO PROBLEM cus i have an extra in my CAR!!..YAYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????!!!

i was all excited and was jumping for joy!!..ehhehe..then things got better cus it was actually realy cloudy and cold for most of the day but when we reached the tennis courts it became realli sunny and warmm all of a sudden!!..PERFECT weather :)....then the coach started playing with me then after sum warm ups,drills and matches she asked me if i wanted to pplay matchess for the skul and all???..ahahah..i was like YEAHHH SUREE!!! =)....and i told her about how i didnt have a racquet and all and she said to me..well we'll figure out a solution cus we wont allow that to be a reason for u to not play!!AWww....hehe..so yeah...

then i came back to the house and asked my mum if she could send me my tennis racquet and she said she'll think about it cus i tink itss pretty expensive to send it over?..but she was like all cool about it cus it was my fault in the first place for leaving it in bruneii...then even BETTER newss when my sister called and i told her about it...and she said.why not u just BUY a new one!!..ahaha..i didnt think about it until she suggested it to me??..ahaha..i mean i have been dreaming about the wilson ladies racquet which is LIME GREEN IN COLOUR SOO pREEEETTYY =)

so yea that was myyy day..quite exciting for me at least and it was the first time in my life that i played on grass courtsSS!!!...just when i tot all hope was lost GOD had to swoopp me up and make a turn for the better...i love tennis :)

tommorow il be headed down to london and then back on monday where the girls and i will be having japanese for dinner at the jap resto..eeks i have one month till my EXams then 3 weeks and im back in prettyful brunei :)..smaCK THaT!!

*pls dun steal my rainbow!..

Labels: surprising ending