disintegrate

rate

i actuallyy feel like crying...
no onee understandss my situation...
i wish i could spit it all out into wordss but i cant
it gets too complicated n lost in my mind..
i am not putting up a facade..
i smille when im happy and cry when im sad
theres just right or wrong answers..
im not putting up a front...
im sick of being a drama quEEn...
i stand here..waiting for the answers to fall from
the star-lit sky!!
why dont i measure up?
why cant i be goodd enough?
tied down by the decisions made yday for tomorrow...
hold on to me.cus i dun wanna let u go...
pls stay strong for me cus right now
im tooo weak to hold myself up...
when i turn to u..pls be there for me..
dont walk away from me...
in a way...im broken

Labels: pls hold on..

two more days and i cant wait.......

hrmm...ijust realised sumthing quite depressing..i cant wait to go back to brunei for my summer hols but then i most probably wont see the peepss that make brunei home for me..i mean the best thing about going home is seeing my FAMILY =) and my FRiends..well i was thinking about it today..when i get back i wont see my sister and that makes me sad cus i realli miss her and i wont be seeing veenah and charm my two retards!!! haiyah...it'll be ann and i being all cacat trying to hav fun without those girls..ehehe..but oh well..yeah and i wont be seeing darren since hes going for his NS shyt..thats like totally fucked...hrmm i was kinda looking forward to playing tennis with him sounds lame..ahhaa..but then now that im his gf he cant complain and have to play with me..ehhee......i guess home is where u make it to be.and i guess things will never be the same anymore and when i say i miss home i wonder if i misss the place or what it was before i left...dont get me wrong i reali do wanna go home but its just sad that things wont be the way i left it..and thats a realisation that has found its way into my thick skull..

tomorrow is moving is day and im just moving next doorr so that wont be that frustrating but i tink il be swearing my ass off and getting a migraine when trying to pack for the holss cus i tink il over pack agen and then unpack to find that i packed evrything i just took out!!..ahaha..damn i wish i had a butler or a nanny that jjst packed up my shit for me..and il just be sitting on this massive couch overseeing the whole thing..haahha..yesh yesh...next il be saying i wan a jetplane that can fly me over to brunei now and a 1000sq.foot house in the maldives where i can just lay on the beach eating chocolate cake and drinking strawberry smoothiess =)..aahah

i needdd a HUg =(

i did my laundry today and did some ironing..ahaha...am so proud of maself...ehhee..then had a lil party for jessi cus its her 18th bday and we had a cute choclate cake shaped like a gopher!.cute cute..il be getting my camera soonn..alalla...

Labels: pink bands

FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME!!

I MISS TENNIS =( ..itss alwes been my passion and sumthing ive alwes wanted to succeed fullyy in but never followed through it...lets just say it wasnt written in stone as my path to follow..remember being a kid and having a dream..a fantasy of being a rock legend or an award winning actor..my dream was to be a pro tennis player...hehe..anyways now that dream has long gone faded away but my passion for it still burns..sucks like hell that i cant play here cus its too dam cold and evryones more into rowing or lacrosse with pisses me off..hehe..i miss the feeling of getting the ball in thinking its going out but then is surprised by the damn fact that it went in and ur opponent is just as shocked as u aRe..i miss playing under the blazing sun but not feeling a thing cus all ur worried about is where is the fucking ball?...i miss giving drop shotss n actually getting it over and my opponent would try to get it but fail miserably and for that one moment i can feel rather good about myself..like ive achived sumthing good..but then remove myself from that to start AGEN!!...i miss evrything about it..even the frustrations of why in HEAVENs name did i hit such a crap ball..and sumtimes realli have to laugh at my own silly mistakes..tennis was more than a sport i grew up with it made most of my closest frens thorugh and met the love of my life through it...it helped it gain my self confidence or sumtimes was the cause of the lack of self=confidence...anwyays through it all i nver regretted a minute of it..i MISS ITF!! which made all of us..EAT,SLEEP and BREATHE tenniss..those were the days...going to panaga at 7am in the morning and having a FREEE teh tarik at the bar and the whole day watching and adimiring players from across the world...deifinitely falling fot tthe hot tennis players and going OOOo..AAaaaa!!!..SHYT I MISS THOSE DAYS....i miss training and playing matchess and running for the ball...

why couldnt have life remained that way?..just go to the club at 4 then fnish playing at 8!!..getting all exicted about the latest racquet modelss and admiring the pros when melbourne open or wimbledon started up!!....our annual bandar vs kb tournaments where we would alwes kick bandarss ass..i mean we won 10years in a roWW!!..ok yeah..whatver..but yeah we just played for the fun of it..wat i loved most about it..were the ppl ive met through it and how it sumhow makes our bond that much stronger!! =)

Labels: life, love, tennis

i hate the fact that u robbed me of my happiness.
i hate the fact that u were too damn weak
i hate the fact ive lost my view of what is beautiful
i hate the fact that i cant be happy with simple thingss
i hate the fact that i question whats happening around me
i hate the fact that i cant just let u in
i hate the fact that i complicate simple things
i hate the fact that loving u was a mistake
i hate the fact that when i wanna be with u i cant
i hate the fact that our situation sucks
i hate the fact that ive won the battle but is losing the war
i hate the fact that i cant control whats happening
i hate the fact when i scream no one seems to hear me
i hate the fact that i dun hate u...
i hate the fact that i actually know why u did it
i hate the fact that i put myself in ur shoes
i hate the fact that i am filled with flaws
i hate the fact that im constantly reminded of them
i hate the fact that i cant cry anymore
i hate the fact that i feel u dun trust me
i hate the fact i duno what i want..

heyyy....so a total of four girls dyed their hairs todayy..hehe..which was so funnyy..cus i was helping vanni dye her hair and we were in the middle of washing it off when the fire alrm went off..im telliing u our house is notorious for setting the fire aarm i mean in one month we have had 4 fire alarmss!!..ahaha..so anywes what i needd was rushed to squeenze all the watre out of vanessas hair then rain down stairss with minimum screamss and laughter cus if not our housemistress will kill us..ahaha...but yeah we dont know what exactly happend cus we couldn be bothered anwes..hehe

welll we had our room paln given to us last nite and im moving in the same room with cathrin and jenniferr!!..yay..itss gonna be so funn..ehhe...luckily it turned out pretty well cus i was freaked that she would put me in a room with ppl i didnt get along with or the roomm that has one toilet for five ppl!!...ahah but yeahh..itss all goodd..and we are moving thiss tuesday and il be leaving bedford on thursday to pick up my darling from teh airport..ahahahaaahahah....im like so so excited..i scream like a mad woman when i tionk abt itt..we were watching this show on mtv that day and there was this part when this guy was cuming down from the escalators in the airport and i screamed like a mad woman and jennifer asked me if i was alrite!!! and i said im good =)...

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.......im so blur right now its like eleven thirty and im sleepy so ima gonna sleepp now even tho itss friday..lame eh me..but who cares cus hols starting up next weekk...shit the classioccs dept. is having a trip to italy for next years easter hols and i fucking wanna goo but then i promised my cus il come see him in canada that holss..so i dunno what to doo!!!..so difficult..why cant i go for both u may ask? cus im gonna go freakin brokee aSS if i do!!!so yea..we will see what happenss..
i played footrball today and i got damn annoyed with this english girlll like she was playing as if its the damn world cupp...blehh!!

lovee

shes sumwhere in between and thers no where shed rather be..

heyyyyy...damn ive beenn blogging loadss...just showss im online obsessed at the moment..but its fine cus it just keepp my loyal bloggerss entertained..oh yesh i do XP..went to church this morning with the girlss then had a yumo lunch..rosa is sucha a goodd cook i wonder if she playys make believe that shess working in a mega cool resto and is cooking for celebritiess and royalss cus thats what i would do if i was stuck cooking in a kitchen cooking for girl boarders..ahah...i called my grandma today just to see how she was doing and i tink i made her cry cus i calledd but i tink it was tears of joyy more or lesss..HOPEFULLEH!!..oh yeah i called my mummy too and talked for agess but how i dyed my hair blackk..ive beenn pretty discouraged latelly and she was saying how she doesnt like when i comapre myself to other ppl and that i hav the same capabilities just as the next person..and i found that prettyy comforting she believs in me that much..i love her..and i cant wait to see her...mama =P

cant believe their having brunei tennis open and im not in it..WHAT THE HELLL...i was screaming my ass at darren when he told me about it...UNFAIR i tell u..the year i decide to not be in brunei is the year they decide to host one..HAIYA..soo annoying..hahaah...ohhh weellls...cathrin and i have been having consecutive sleeppoverss and its alwes us doing work at midnight then getting frustrated then few times yelling at the bookk abnd few deep breathers..then finally deciding to go to bed..ahaha..gawdd i have like a weekk and a half left..wtf !!..this is totallyy GILass i tell u..ima gonnaa miss my IDIOTSS..and hopefulleh well get our westlandss hoodiess soonn..im hoping for greenn oness but i doubt it cus evryones into pink??..i love the boarding house now!!..ahaha...i seriously didnt see this coming..GOD works in mysterious wayss and all i can do is trust in him..

i misss him so muuchh...the way he laughss when i tell him sumfing stupid and the way he holdss my hand and doesnt let go and isnt afraid of letting evrything go...im glad he walked into my life and that we are both fighting for the same end...he walked in and i asked no questioons...

DUN ever change cus ur perfect just the way u are..GRab hold of my hand and we.ll walk thru life togrther.... =)

guess what..i dyed myy hairrr..=)itss like reallli darkkk and blackish!!...ahah...well i love itt..ahah cus it means no more hasslee with out grown roots..bleh!...aha..i feell like a grown up!!..eheh i bought our ticketss over the internet =)..and so yeah basicallyy i need a few more boxes and things should turn out just right...cathrin and i made sucha mess dying my hair..the wallsss got stained and the topilet seat as well?..ahah..yeah ans she keptt cleaning it but it wouldn come out!!..so we just left it..vbasically i feel like a geekk..evryone was out shopping in bicester or watching a move at the cinema and i was stuck at the house doing chemistryy!!..ahaha...but hopefulleh it will pay off by the time exam resultss creep up..

we watched father of the bride part one last nite..some of my hongky frenss havae nver watched it before so we decided to..ive watched that movie like a million times and still i cry while wtachin it..dear oh dear..jennifer was like seriousllyy crying..hrmm...FAMILY wat what wonderfully ironic thing..theyx are the ppl we sumtimes cannot stand but theere are moments when their the oness that makess it all worth while =)..evryones going clubbing tonite but id rather stay in and maybe drink some hot tea and finish up my bio work..ahahah...i guess im not clubber or a drinker ..may seem strange but i could care less.

Bobby Hebb

SUNNY

Sunny, yesterday my life was filled with rain
Sunny, you smiled at me and really eased the pain
Now the dark days are done and the bright days are near
My sunny one shines so sincere

Sunny, one so true
I love you

Sunny, thank you for the sunshine you gave
Sunny, thank you for the love you brought my way
You gave to me your all and all
And now I feel ten feet tall

Sunny, one so true
I love you

Sunny, thank you for the truth you let me see
Sunny, thank you for the facts from A to Z
My life was torn like a windblown sand,then
A rock was formed when we held hands

Sunny, one so true
I love you

Sunny, thank you for that smile upon your face
Sunny, thank you for that gleam that flows from grace
You're my park of nature's fire
You're my sweet complete desire

Sunny, one so true
I love you

Sunny, yesterdy my life was filled with rain
Sunny, you smiled at me and really really eased the pain
Now the dark days are done and the bright days are near
My sunny one shines so sincere

Sunny, one so true
I love you

life is a ball of confusion and filled with changes in situaTIONS..basically i cant believe how much ive changed within myself for the past year..in some wayy stronger and more aware of whats going around me...i handle situations better..but i still need alot to work on..hehe...hrmm it scares me cus im torn between who i wasn and who im forming into...

so yeah...its the weekend and thank god that it is..cus this week has been completely crazy filled with assgnment and studying..i realli appreciate where i am right now and all the peeps that hhave come into my life...i cant believe hes cuming and its in less than 2 weeks..and im freaking out cus i dun even know where to bring him or whatver when basicallyy im new here tooo..eheh..i guess when ur in love u kinda throw caution out the window and just grab hold of that chance to find ur destiny..sumtimes i allow things to get the better of me and overshadow what is realli important...i need to stop this war inside of me and the need for perfection cus i end up hurting myself and ppl around me...i guess its a test to see whether or not its meant to be..

easter break is starting in 2weeks which is like so so fast!!..time is realli flashing by...

CAn i get an AMEN!!!

had the most fun fun weekend...we decided it was gonna be a fun fun wekkend cus results were shit so needed to let off steam..soo clarie vanessa lara ctahrin jennifer and i went for a rugby match supporting the bedford bluess..at first we were damn blur cus we didnt get why they kept piling on top of each other and the men looked damn hugee...hrrm,?? and even when they scred we seemed to be the onli oness screaming..haiyer but 40minutes in and we got the hang of it..basicalllyy pile on top of each other then make each other bbleedd...ahahah

then that nite we all for diner at nandos and took lotsa stupid pichasss..alalal...we biascially have a mama and her name is lara and im idiot number 1 then goes down to idiot 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 .. we are a happy familyy of idiottss oh yeah next year we have room changes which meanss conflict when choosikng roommatess haiiYOO!!!...anyess they decided to buy alcohola nd since im 18 i had to get it but once i walked into the store i was attracted to ice cream and took tooo loong to decide what i wnated that they got it without mee..ahhaa..so we came back and loaded on with ice creamm..jess and i kept saying we ARE SOO FATTt and she was eatingg sum double choc one and i was eatingg the cherry ggarcia that we decided to miyx it upp then called it CALORIE BOMBB WE WERE JUMPing around on the beddss then got realli realli sick..haha that i felt like puking that i ran to the toilet but didn tt cus it hurt too much

so ctathrin decided it was time to calmm down so she made tea for meee...BUT then when she just boiled the hot tea she placed it next to me on the floor and i didnt realise it was next to me that i kicked it so i screamed like a bithchh and i burnt my whole foot letss just sayy i was into tearss an the housemistress forced me to place it in damn cold water for like an hourr!!!...so when i tried going to bed i couldn sleeep cus it hurt soo badd...so it was like 1 am and i crept into cathrins room and told her i couldn sleep cus my feet was killing me..so i ttook two paracetamol to numb the paiinnnnn...so i slept in cathrins room cus i couldn be bothered to go back ma roomm...haiyaa...but i missed my bunny so much when all this was going on cus he wouldve made it all better with..hehe...he is like so so cacat...he annoyyss me like heell sumtimess but then after that i tend to actuallyy love him even more...i mean what is up with that..not normal i TELL YOUU..NOT AT ALL..itss shoo shoo harddd but then i dun careee.....BAD TIMES COME IF U MUST CUS GOOD TIMES WILL FUCK U OVER =9

DID U KNOW THAT SLAVERY WAS ABolished 200years ago but still in our modern world there are still over 15million slaves present today?
how can we justify this?..

so today went by realli fast and thats a good thing...i had chemistry bio and math then last peroid of politics...wow what an interesting day..eheh oh yeah i applied for school officer today without realising i needed to set up a speech and all,..haiyer and now i feel like chickening outt!!..ahahah..so so nervouss..

anyways...been down lately and still cant get out of it..i guess we're not meant to be hapi all the timee..life is just meant to have its ups and downs..the worse thing is i feel like im pushing away the ppl that realli love me and i dun even know why im doing it,.sumtimes i feel like a bird caught up in a cage but then i realised i put myself in that cage..how ironic and such a predicament it all realli is...he has the power over each emotion and in my mind im constantly thinking about him...im not so sure if thats a good thing...but im moving towards a no..hehe..how can i not?...haiyah love him too many baby oreoss..hope he can tolerate what the hell it is im doing......ive become someone ive alwes hated..i used to be so sure and cared like helll..but i guess my past rship had robbed me of that feeling instead ive become his unwillingness, discontent and insufficient..what happen to the girll that was there a few blinks ago!

ok im makingg a concious decision to stop being so damn depressed and start FRESHH!!!.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY VANESSA SHOULD STAY POSITIVE
1.my sister had a safe flight and now is happyy and well!!!...finally talked to her =)
2.toked to my brother just noww and my mama!!!..GOSHH he bought a camer alredi..WAA it was the eaxct one i wanted eventho i didnt tell him..its the SONY DSC t-10..7.2 mega pixelss!!!..rock sockksS...ahaha
3.i LOVE DARREN AND HE LOVESS MEE......
4.I have at least 2-3 months to prepare for my exmass..so itss not too latee
5.Holss are coming upppppp.....hopefullehh darrennss comingg =)
6.after holsss..just give me 2 monthss and il get my asss back in BRUneiii <3
7.gonnaa go singapore with my mummy and lil bro..family time rockss!..ahaha
8i have a boyfrenn that wishes for the same thingss as i do,looks damn hot,plays tenniss with me AND FAMILY WHO ARE SOOO NICE =)
9.my family lovesss meeee....
10. my cus lu yee expecting a secondd childd!!! how cuteee =) more niecess and nephewss .i have abouttt 10 NOW!!!!...haiyah they grow up so fast le..
11.i am breathinggg.....
12. ive got frenss that i can talk to and tell my probss to..
13.oppotunitiess are thhere for the taking and all i have to do is work for it...
14.did i mention il be going backkk in 4monthss!!! aHHHHhhh...soo rockinggg
15.mite get my licenseeeeeeeeeeeeeee...ahhah...hopefullehhh :P

ok ive got past ten...but anyways...i have to study statistics cus i have math test on friday..yuck duck*...
2.

blehz...hrmm no improvement im still in my depressed mode.actually i feell even sadder and i cant get out of it....my sis was in london for a while cus she had to transit in heathrow for 6 hours then off agen for another 8 hours..yepp.mums pretty upset and hopefulleh shes doing alrite..

i misss him...i realllyyy realllyy misss him...tho thingss havent been going so well for us lately.i feeel like i love him even more and i all i wan is for him to hug me and say evrythingss gonna be ok..gawd i realli miss him..itss not funny cus its like i just ffeell like crying..he had a tennis match today cus ITF is going on..he didnt win so he was all frustrated and all..but he'll alwyas be amazing in ma eyes..i just wish i was with himm..damn how many timesss have i said that?..maybe if i say it enough it mite come true..im most probably having the fifth week blues or whatver...its been a while since i felt this sad..i actually thought 4months wasnt that long when u tink about but now itss like when the fuck is it gonna come..I MISS HIM BAH!!...LIFE IS full of trials and tribulationss ,it doesnt seem to get easier and maybe its not suppose to...
i guess im upset as well about my stupid chemistry test i got back today i did so crap and im so damn disappointed in myself...shouldve done better...but il just have to try agen and work harder..dangit...shyt i feell so saddd..WHYYYYY???????!!!

i hope he knows i love him and think the world of him..and id grab onto his hand in a heart beat...cus hes so suree i feel slightly intimidated cus i dun wanna be a disappointment..sounddss silly....sumthingss nudging me at the back of my mind and i cant get rid of it..helpp =(..i needd my mummyy..

Labels: just another phase

THIS IS WHO I AM....AND WHAT DEFINESS MY VERY BEING...

isnt she purrdyy??..

i love my familleh =)..(nuthing to cry about,we'll hold each other soon)

my sis =)

awww....this was minutes before i told i lost her phone..opps! =)

its cus we're coooll lkee that!!!

MY sis rock sockss...and my bro luks blur at the back...huhhuu...

im having such a sad day....evr had one of those days when evrything doesn seem to make sense and all u wanna do is get rid of the heaviness in ur heart that makes the simplest thinglike breathing so diffcult...i dunno what to do?..i guess il get over it by tomorrow but for now im just feeling sad..sigh*

my sis left for washington today..and i bet my families pretty upset today..we all love her and support in whatver she wantss to do but i just hope and pray that GOD will be by her side and direct her away from harm..i love my sis shes such an inspiration to me..shes the bravest person and smartest person i know..and not to mention classsiest..well i mite be buyest just cuz shes my sis..shes accomplished so much in such a short span of time and i just cant wait to see what she does next =)..yeah we have the occasional sisterly fightss and sumtimes i cant stand the sight of her but i know i can always turn to her for an honest and brutal opinion and have talkss that last the whole nite...she openss up to me which is quite rare for her...i love her to death and i dunno if she knowss that...eventho im not in brunei it makes me feel sad that shes leaving cus a part of me tells me that shes leaving and her coming back to brunei may be an unlikely thing...im gonna miss sharing a bed with her and getting annoyed cus she hogs the blanket and buying like tonnes of tabloid magaziness and going ohh...and ahhh!! at the bagss celebritiess are using..and she'll be ok yeah im getting that and funny enuf she alwes does!!..ahaha..shes nutss...she has soo many bagss itss crazy!!..im gonna miss just driving around kb or bandar with her..and her drving as fast as a mad person and swearing like a trucker!!..and telling her who i tot was hot and the latest gossip in skul or wherever...though we have a 7 year gap..we seem to get along pretty well..i guess we're just open to each others livess and hey shes the only sister ive got...so most of the time its me blabbing and pretending shes paying attention..she alwes sayss im sucha a princess and spoiled and that ineed to toughen up..i remember we went on a trip to singapore and we saw this hot guy in changi airport and we were like talking then all of a sudden we just stopped and was like..OKK!! now he was hot..ahaha...i remember when she broke up with him and she called me and talked to me about it..we were both crying on the phone and i was just telling her evrythings gonna be ok...at that moment she wasnt an older sister but more a friend in need...

when we were young...she would get annoyed with me and throw me oout of her room while screaming at me...and yeah i guess i wasnt the perfect lil sis cus i was pretty brattyy..even at 9 she trusted me but then i betrayed her cus my brother scared the shit out of me so in the end i told them what was really happening..i tot she would nevr forgive me and that she'll hate me forver but after a few months she started caring agen....but after she graduated thingss just changed and the distance made me appreciate her more.when i had problems with al and i was confused and didnt know what to do..she just asked me to shut up and just break up with him!!..ahhaha...yeah that was harsh but was sumthing i needed cus i knew it was sumthing i had to do but didnt have the courage to admit at the time...my sis taught me what it meant to be independent and brave..she was the sole reason i finally made the decision to come to the UK...i remember crying for that whole week and she picked me up from church then we went to dinner..she said i lookd horrible but we just talked..n she allowed me to put evrything in perspective...and before i left she told me that she knows shes alwes forcing me to groow up and stop acting like a baby..whereas in reality i'll alwes be her lil sister and she will alwess have the need to rescue me and tell me what to do..and that will never change and i will never have to worrry of going thru life alone and that if i regretted making this decision she will get me out of it cus she knows im too young to make sucha decision so shes obligated to take responsibiity..

even as im typing this..my tearss starts to fall cus i miss her so much..shes like my best fren , my big cece....the one i watch america's next top model with and the that one critises everything i wearr ...the one im so proud to call my sister..<3

and if it all goess welll...il be celebrating my 19th birthday in washington..hehe

when theres no one with u when ur soul embarks...il follow u into the dark*

Labels: i love my ceki..