disintegrate

rate

i want my mummy and papa to know that i LOVE them*

honky-dory..i ran a whopping 2kilometre just now!!..and IT FELT SOO GOOD!!..EEKKss...but not im feeling so damn hungryy..haiyah..imaa alone in my room wondering it is i shoould right now...so i decided to blog..wakakak

ermmzz....cant wait for friday cus we're having chinese nite at the boys skul with lion dance thingy.martial artss and lotsa chinese type of thingss going..lala..and then next thursday dinner with teh chinese group at peking palace resto.i tink thats how u spell it..huhu..and and thursday going to oxford for sum shopping before we break out for half-termm.yay cant believe holss are coming upp..im sooo sooo glad! need a break from skul...had to do my planningg for biology today...my hand almost broke cus i have to write up 12sheets of paper in 1hr...the PAINN..but now i can breathe agen and hpefully itss good enuff...hehehhehe

u knwo what..!!...weeeee...i remember last time when i had christmas dinner with my family..i miss sitting next to my sister and annoying her by poking her and telling her random stories that she wont laugh abt.....and goinnggg KO!!!! they havee saLMON ANDD ITSS DAMN GOOD...and me and him wouldd go togetherrr checking out the salmon buffet!!..ahaha...we're both alike in that way..we eat whatever iss yum-o!!and my lil brother alwes trying to tell me a story but goes 360 before he gets to the point and then il get annoyed and start having a fight with himm..ahaha..wakkaka...and my parents alwes end up toking to my brothers girlfrens parents cus they alwes seem to come along as well..ahaha...then we'll start VAIN mode..AND KEeP FORcing my koko to take picturess of us..wekeke..well actually i misss having steam boats at the house...hee..i would just dump evrything in and my sis would be like NESS!!!!!!! CAN U STOPP??why u soo cacat//ahahaha...and my koko will be stealing all the thingss ive made for MASELFF!!!

ahh...i misss my familyyyyy...so imperfect that its almos perfect!

having the most fat day of my life today!!...tomorrow im gonna start my low-carb,no cakes and chocolate diet for like a week or twoit would be more effective if darren was with me so he can tell me im eating too much..wakkaka!!..damn im alwess trying to start but i never eevr stick to it so hopefully this time i will cus im sick of feeling so so unhealthy i feel the plaque forming in my arteries...dammit!!,..i need to exercisee!!

went to london last weekend and it was so much fun..i saw evryone agen and forgot how fun it was to hang in brunei hall =)..i miss tat place..keke..i wonder when will i ever stop missing ppl or things?..way way to difficult..but then agen id rather have sumthing to miss than nuthing at all.basically when it comes down to it i dunno what it is that i want.and where is it im goingg..we just walked around bayswater and went shoopingg in paddington station..we celebrated eric,fizah,farisa,wafi and kamilin's bday!!..so sweet..ehhe..all 20 of us was suppose to go to nando's for lunch but it was so so packed so we decided to go to this malaysian resto that a served teh tarik..gosh i went insane and in the end ordered 2 cups..haha..and there was this guy named kelvin but i kept calling him micheal cus he looks like a micheal by the end of it evryone called him micheal and at one point he tot his name was micheal?,..how did that happen?..i guess its just my persuasion power.!!..huhuhu

dangit..evryones going sumwhere for the half term holidays..sum ppl going to barcelona ..i was suppose to go but i cant miss my last day of skul..stupid bio coursework!!..and sum ppl goin rome and sum ppl goin warick!!...il be in brunei hall or shpping out in oxford streeet possibly!..ahha...i misss my mum and dad!!..my dads bday cuming upp..and il be missing out on the family dinner..how sad!!?!..ekks..i have 5months more til i get back to brunei...yum-o hot weather and pretty tennis courts!!...ok im being random now

i wanna see my bunny..where is he???..why cant i be with with him??

when she looked up into the sky..her eyess wide open with hope...wondered why the sky was so bigg..she realised she didnt need the answers cus all she needed was to realise that she was present....

i wannaa see u smile when i smile...ur the first and the last thing on my mindd...miss the time we realised we loved each other and the time we stayed up all nite talkiing!!..u can be the wind beneath my wings and the fairytale that came true...i (L) u...

sumtimes i wonder..where did all the good times go?

today i had a run in the gym for 30minutes and it felt so good but yet i felt like dying cus i am so unfit right now itss unbelievable...hrmm...ive been playing sports since i was 9 and to stop jst like this its not a good thing...i miss playing tennis and just picking up my tennis bag at 4 and askin my mum to drop me at the club..and just meeting sum one random..oh how those days are long gonee...i still love tennis and it will alwes be part of my lifee...some of my best memories were cus of it...i dun tink i would be the person i am today if i didnt have it...hehe..and also for the fact that..thats how i met darren..huhu..but thats a whole other story...=)

i basically did research the whole day and printed out like 8opages worth of information..i feel like ive found sumthing ive alwes been looking for and that is sumthing WORTH FIGHTING FOR!!...to risk evrything and throw caution out of the wind....itss like one of blogss agess ago where i wanted sumthing worth fighting for and gave the effort for it to survive..eventho the outcome may not what u want it to be but at least ..........hrmm..life can be a big bitch and sumtimess its hard to stand up esp when u dun want to........im stuck in this situation so all i can do is make the best out of it...

hrmm..my internet being a skanky lil shyt!!

so today in biology i disected a lambs heart!!..it was soo sooo fun!! i keep the
blood clot in its coronary artery and started squeeying it till it kinda splatered
out like alot!!fiona kept asking me to stop but it was damn funnneh!! except it
stank like hell and the fat around looked freaking disgusting..and me trying to
be a plactic surgeon was trying to cut the fat off the muscle and then poking
thru the vessels to see where it will go thru...ok yeah i tink ive disgusted u all
enough..but yeah that was my morning in biology...

i misss my familyy!!i guess sumtimes i feel regretful for taking family time for granted cus right now i miss it more than ever i feel sad that i cant see my lil brother grow up...its kinda random but yeah...just have the need to protect my lil bro..tho he doesnt know it i love him..i cant believe this is what im left with....this makes me realise
how precious life realli is...the moment where we didnt have to worry is
now long gone....im just happy i still have ppl in my life i can turn to esp
when im not feeeling strong...veetag know that ur not alone yea...im alwes a
phone call away...promise u we wont fall off that cliff..and even if we realli
have to falll...il be ur parachute!! friends are the ppl that will alwes be there for you no matter what even if u do change...they will still give a shit instead of tallking crap behind ur back....this whole eyxperience has realli shown me
what is important in my life...and to stop wasting time with ppl who constantly drain the life out of u......its hard when reality cums and slaps u in the face...

is it wrong to say taht i feel as if u were the best thing that ever happened to me??..why do i feel like im not the person i was one year ago...ive changed in more ways than one...and now im torn between who i was and who i am changing into...all i know that is i love u so much!!!....my blog sounds is if im completely lovesick but i dun realli give a fuck cus this is after all my blog..and i realli do miss him!!??!!long distance is a BITCH!!..but right now i realli dun care cus even tho it hurts so bad to not see him everyday id still rather go thru this than actually not having him at all...im not gonna go off on how long distance rship is easy or hard or whatver...if u love sumone u would do anything for them..just like any other rship..this is what im doing...never take the experiences of others and plan ur life after it cus evryones different...sum ppl think that by having a long distance ur missing out on sumthing and that ur not making the most of the experience but life is what u make it to be and u make up ur own rules...so yeah...stop judging others and they wont judge u..theres just sumthing about him that makes me not give a damn ...its a constant adrenaline rush that sumtimes makes me forget to breathe!! =) i feel like yeah ive changedd...things i wanted few years ago arent necessarily the things i want now..life is all about change and PPL LETS EMBRACE THAT!!

thank god its the weekend...i had a pretty long day all double lessons but i had fun nonetheless...i quite like all my subjects most of the time..i love my politicss class the most i have to admit as there is like ahuge variation of students in that one class...theres a girl that realli could care less abt class but gets straight A's , a girl who is genuinely nice to evryone and alwes is late for classs n getss away with it while drinking TEA,EAting Fruits and Sleepps!!, a girl who is a complete neat-freak who is one of quadruplet twins(im not sure if thats how u spell it) , a girl who is quite snooty and acts like a princess , a girl from aus thats obsessed with freee paper and a girl who runs a BAR in luton annddd a girl whos a farmers daughter as in her dads a farmer!!!!yeah jst to get that point across...and to top it off a TEACHER who makes class damn interesting with his own interpretations of the uk govt and his personal life including what he does in the weekends...hehe...you cannot imagine how sum of the girlsss freak out just cus the colours on their notess dun colour coordinate and that my teacher decides to put in extra notess on a point we've moved on from!!..im telling u they go hysterical if u even mention it!!

well welll....evrythings out on the table rightt now....i dun know what im going to do just yet...cus i feel as if itss my turn to make the decision and make the right choice for me....i feel like i know what i truly want deep in my heart but im just tooo afraid of wanting it....it seemss too HARD and DIFFICULT!!..should i just let it go just cus it seemss so hard?..am i that of a coward that i cant even stand up for my own self and my wants?..cus now im starting to wonder whos gonna do that for me?no one will step in and save me from decision making cus in reality its my life and i have to be responsible for it...i wan to live a life i can be proud of and even if it doesnt end up the way i hoped it would be at least i can say I DID IT MY WAY!!...even if it was wrong...i need to get over that fear of making a mistake and running away when things get rough...YES i need sumone to point me in the right direction but when it cums down to it i will have to decide whether im walking down tht path...I admit that i do what i am asked to do without a REAL fight so when it does go wrong i have sumone to blame it on at the end of it...sumtimes we need to shut the fuck up and keepp it reall...if u want it dont be afraid to fight for it...im sick of not knowing and sulking...waiting for the world to chnage for me and asking WHY MY LIFE IS SO HARD??

i have to let go of that child in me and just trust myself...i dont want to be so naive to believe that even after making this huge decision my life will run smoothly forver for there will alwes be unforeseen circumstances and pain?...why are we so afraid of pain and disappointment when thats what life is all about?..we try to run away from it but we are only human and nothing more!!..do u tink being told what to do ur whole life will protect u from heartache?..why do parents try to protect their children from things that they cant even protect themselves from??..if they were all right then we would ALL BE HAPPY AND MILLIIONAIRES!! but we are not!!we are still a work in progress and even as we lay on our death beds one can trust that we will still have a millions worth of unanswered questions...so tell me what are u afraid of the thought of being wrong or right?

in the past parents believed that education was a waste of money and time and they rather energy be put into the farm or whatver...if evryone listened we wouldn be where we are today..especially us being asians i tink its one of our main traits is to be submissive and quiet cus we do not want to be disrespectful or face confrontation..thats where westerners have the advantage in a way ..cus they were brought up to speak their mind and be creative as on the other hand we were spoon-fed,over protected and to not speak when elders are speaking...THERE were some that dared to dream and take the risk of losing evrything!! all they had was the support of their hearts and their imagination..WHERES THAT COURAGE IN ME?...sumtimes i wish i wasnt living in the bubble ,really struggled cus thru that i would know what im made of...is this what i want?..or what da ppl around me think i should want?..will i be here in 10years?tomorrow?we all know that ONLY god knows...so why do we keepp playing god? and plan our next 50years...
we alll know the saying live life the fullest cus u nver know when its ur last!!then why dont we..

sumtimes we need to step out of a situation to realise how uncomplicated it has to be...YES its a life changing decision but we'll never know if it was a decision that had to be made or not..TO move on from it and one day regret it would be a tragedy!!..especially when its too late to turn back...

so im back here...bAck to the old routinee of school,work,eat and sleepp.....i just had my last math paper today and i have to admitt it didnt realli feeel likee exams cus i basicalllyy raided u-tube by watching videoss and watchinggg friends....im just glad itss over tho..overall i tot i did ok and hopefully i get the gradess i hope to get!!!..eekkzzz....saturday is annalene's 18th birthday and it sucks like hell that i cant be there for her on such a special DAYY!!!..so u ppl in brunei whoss reading make sure u bring her out or whatverr...cus if nott il be so saddd....

hrmmm ..itss been exactly one week since i left brunei and itss kindaa scary cus it feeelss fast but yet itss slowww.....i have to admit my time in brunei was completely amazing filled with great memoriess that il cherish and help me keep my spiritss up wen i am down...highlights would have to be kk,christmas eve with my family,finally seeing veenah,new yearss eve,spending time with darren =) , hanging at empire with everyonee and just random hangoutss at nite and playing UNO with veenahs retarded ruless!! i dun wana say i missss thingss agen cus ive successfully shown that i missssss DARREN and Brunei but i just cant help itt!!!..cus i realli doo misssssss brunei and evrythingg abt itt...itss like we are all stuck in this bubble where evrything seemss so perfect and we dun have to worry abt anythingg...im not as sad as i was the first day i came back cus i was a complete mess when i arrived here..right noww im trying hard not think abt home and just try to enjoy the time that i have here since i cant do anything abt it...

hess evrything i ever wanted and moreee!!!!..eekkzzz...iive completely lost control and fallen head over heeelss for him!!...ive never felt so afraid of losing sumone before!!!with evrything i do i feeel like i miss him even more and there isnt a moment that passes that i dun tink abt him!! it feels strange cus i am usually quite level headed and calm but now i just lost control of my emotions...

i miss u...part 2

the thought of u constantly lingers on,
i close my eyes hoping when i open it ul appear next to me,
i keep wanting to hug u but all i feel is the vast distance between us,
ur letter that has ur scent lies next to my pillow,
so when it gets dark and lonely at nite il look for the comfort of ur smell,
it will soon disappear but love for u will only accumulate.
i try reaching for ur hand but i only catch my own tear drops.
when we hug i wish to sink into ur life and never part
closing our eyes so tight
together hoping that time will stop and let us live
ive never missed or loved anyone as i do now
you've shown me how to love and gave me my smile back
u alwes have the right words to say even without u knowin it
i remember us praying that morning hoping that GOD will protect our lil love
the time i cried n u were there to wipe away my tears
telling me that ul alwes be right here waiting for me
was what i was hoping you to say
our very own secret that doesnt need exageration
id live a day with u than a million without
i fear the lost of ur scent and the touch of ur hand
for i cant predict what lies ahead of us
but whatevr it is..
my heart aches for ur presence
Cuz now its just a little harder to breathe
and a little harder to smilee...

i keep looking through our old photos
i try closing my eyes and reliving every moment
the way u would hold me and it'll feel like ul never let go
the times u will tell me u love me n id know it came from ur heart
u make me feel so happy n that nuthing else mattered

the times we would laugh uncontrollably and stop jus to see each other smile
the time u asked me why i was smiling n i said im just happy to see u!
it feels like u came out of a book written by me for me.
you caught me when i expected to fall
your alll i ever wanted and i didnt even see u comingg...
we cherished evry moment and evry second
cus we knew it wouldn last foreever
we tried to ignore time that was flying by
Tried to fight back the tears and the aching heart
bUt instead focused on loving and cherishing the momentss we had
distance may make us or break us
its hard finding the one u want to go thru life with
but u cant.

we werent looking but yet we found each other
sumthing this perfect had to be written in stone
only time will telll if this is our happy ending

when does it be ok to let all ur guard down and take the risk to take that one leap!!...im stuck in this cross roads in my life..i am forced to ask myself what do i value most in this life of mine...what regrets will i create for mysellf by making this decision..i will never know until it actuallyy stares me right in the face and is ready to strike me down!!...i need to listen to my own inner voice but it seems to be clouded by so many other things...i wish i had the answers i wish i could be more decisive and just stop beating around the fucking bush!!!...i have to stop questioning my own feelingss......

why do i feel so unhappy?..is it cus im not letting go of the past that was so beautiful in itss own way?..i dun wanna base my decision on that!! i cant stand iit...i need to make a decision soon!!...i dun wanna look back and realised i wasnt thinking realisticalllyy!!!...why am i sooo determinedd in making my life so diffficult?..ok so what?????......im gonna let u go and hope that ul come back!!!...im going round in circless here and itss driving mee completely MAD!!!..should i listen to myself?..or otherss that seem to be more sure and experienced?..its like im trying to give myself reasons on why i should stay!!!...i cant seem to let it go!!...i try not to constantly think abouttt it but here i am agen...thinking about and wishing the situation will changee!!..plzzz LORD!!..give me the answeerss that i needd!!!...i feeell too small and weak to make such a decision...should i make the RIGHT and RESpONSIBLE decision or FOLLOW my HEART ?..i wanna follow my heart but some say im too young and innocent to make such a decision that i cant see the bigger picture!!.

HElp =(

say hello to mY DARREN (my REASon for smiling =)