disintegrate

rate

what if i told u..u were my source of entertainment and the reason i still BELIeve!

anywes...i feell so sleeppy right now and cathrin is feeding my cookies that her
grandma made!..eheh..so anywes.....i finally toked him and kinda cleared the air
i guess its sucha a relief to actually go like ..are we ok??..i cried while talking
to him and i guess its cus all the feelings ive managed to push at the back of
my mind resurfaced as he talked and the pain that i tot wasnt there anymore
became real agen...but by the end of it...we were talking and laughing just
reminiscing about the past and just felt comfortable but itll be completely
naive of me to think that we will evr be normal..after this...i mean he was my
first love after all... i guess when u lose sumone u love...u ask urself what did i do wrong?what did he do wrong??...when actually there arent suppose to be any reasons..not evryone finds their meant to bes the first time...and pppl usually take their whole lives looking for him or her...eventhough how much u PRAY and want that person to be UR MEANT TO BE...if he isnt ,he just isnt..and the point between realising that and ACCepting it is the hardest part...but all hope is not lost ...if ur willing to accept that love sumtimes hurts and that u should sumtimes use ur head rather than ur heart....then ur all set ;).....

tomorrow we will all be going to bedford boys school for a talk on citizenship,gambling and AIDS!!..so yeah...hahah...its pretty pointless but im not complaining cus it means i have half the day off !!.dammmnn.....i have a new fashion role modell..marykate olsen is freaking cool!!..ahah veryy verryy random...i have absolutelyy nuthing to blog about...except i love listening to christine play the music in the music room and falling asleep on the couch!!.....ok il blog when my live gets a little more interesting..so for now.......

oii oii..

firstly, CHARMM!!where have u beeen??,,misss u loadsss.wish we would keepp more in contact cus right now its pretty pathetic!!!..ahahahahah..anywes hpee ur doing awite!!..yeah u should definitely shouldd blog!!...loveee lovve=)

secondly..veenah is damn hot!!..ahaha wooo wooo..its getting hot in here!!!..eh the pic is damn sweett to the max!!..haahaha...i know ur feeeling like on cloud 9!!...muakzZ

thirdly!!....annalennneeeeeeeeeee...are u sill readin my blog?..agagaga...

fourthly.if there is a such a wordd!!!...well wel..im going back to brunei in 2weeks and a half!!...yummmyyy!!!.....

i am such a complete bum right nowww !!!....i have loadss off work to do but i really cannot be botheredd...hrmm hrmm..i was pretty upset that day for the weirdest reason...I DUN WANNA GROW UP!!..like when ur young..being happy with urselff was the easiest thing to do and u didnt have a care in the world..but when u grow u realise... that ur NOT perfect and take thingss too seriously....i mean why do i have to tink about the next 20years of my life when how am i suppose to know if i will even still be alivee in 20years time?but when life has us by the throat all we can do is close our eyes and move on like we alwes do without fail!!..whats the point in looking for perfection in ourselves.will perfection fit into our world?!!

...i hate regretss...and u know what i am not gonna regret what i did...at that time i did what i had to......

hey...hrmmmm.guess what today is sunday and im soo soo happyy!!!..alll.alal...okie anwes i had the crappiest day yesterday from morning till night...like one of those days that makes u feell like...WHY AM I ALIVE??..itss rather quite annoying.....anywess....i decided to go to milton keyenes to do sum shpping to gtet my mind offf evrything!!!..so cathrin and i took tthe bus to MK..damn the most annoying thing happened which was i couldn find anything..like i wanted to buy a dRESS and i couldn find one that i loved..sucha disappointment..but sumthing really stupid happend..whcih was when cathrin and i went into the changing rooms we decided to go into the handicapped changing room cus it was bigger!!..ahahah..and anywes i saw this string dangling from the ceiling with a loop at the end of it so i took the clothes and hung it there..so within 5minutes..we heard a beep beeepp beeppp sound..we were like huh????...and we looked up..there was a light flashing and apparently we triggered the emergency alarm..cus that string was an emergency pully thingy...ahahah..and we started freaking out and ran out of there!!!...hrmm hrmmm....when i got back..i started chatting with veetashh!!!,,,ahhh..love her to bitss...she said the sweetest thing "i tink u deserve a guy like him!!"..that made me smile then blush then NUTS!!dammit!!..ahaha....hugs and kisses...

itss as if one morning u woke up and decided..im gonna make vanessa fall completely and helplessly in love with meee..and u did!!.....i love that ur not afraid to say what u mean and show me that u love me and when u smile ur eyes squint*..>_<.....to let ur heart GO is never easy and onli few do...cus the fear of getting hurt is too overwhelming.........its as if..i had to go through the wrong ones to appreciate the right one!..and damn i hope itss u!!....

And now, the end is near;
Frank sinatra ..I DID IT MY WAY =)

And so I face the final curtain.

My friend, I'll say it clear,

I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.

I've lived a life that's full.

I've traveled each and ev'ry highway;

But more, much more than this,

I did it my way.

Regrets, I've had a few;

But then again, too few to mention.

I did what I had to do

And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;

Each careful step along the byway,

But more, much more than this,

I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew

When I bit off more than I could chew.

But through it all, when there was doubt,

I ate it up and spit it out.

I faced it all and I stood tall;

And did it my way.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried.

I've had my fill; my share of losing.

And now, as tears subside,

I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;

And may I say - not in a shy way,

"No, oh no not me,

I did it my way".

For what is a man, what has he got?

If not himself, then he has naught.

To say the things he truly feels;

And not the words of one who kneels.

The record shows I took the blows -

And did it my way!

HOPefully one day i can sing this song...and know that it is TRUE!!

wellll...today we had mufti day for a fundraising event for Children In Need and the theme was PAJAMAS!!!...it was prettyy funny seeing evryone in pajamas and robess!!...even the teachers got into it..like when i saw mr.mcfarlene i swear i just exploded into laughter cus he was using a beanie and green pjs..dam i tot he was like the cleaners or whatevr..aaahaha..damn and mrs.barnett came with pink pjss..ohhyeahh mr.herrick was the funniest cus he wore blue and red pjs with his red tie and his white lab coat,,it was a seriously entertaining day at skul...hopefully they raised the amount they needed...

i feeell absolutely cluessless..im really happy with where i am right now in my life and i just have so much to still think about..why cant i just be happy and not have to worrry about the next critical decision to be made..i mean i know life is basically a roller coaster ride and u cant control how fast ur going or where ur heading but all u know is ur definitely heading sumwhere and FAST!anywes i dunno what i want right now...ive fallen head over heels for him..i feel like he makes me smile more than he should..and makes me laugh like theres no tomoro...i wish i could be with him..hess soo amazing..and all im afraid now is to actually let go once agen and allow my heart to be vulnerable...knowing me i tink ive alredi done it..cus i just realised id rather be away from you than be without you*

life isnt fake!!...sumtimes i just wanna cry and scream and laugh all at the same time..like i dun need to have a reason for crying like il jst do it and it'll be ok..IM OK!!.GODaMMIT i am ok...i dun have to be perfect i dun need all the answerss,,,,if u need sumone to talk to il alwes be here and though all our lives dun really mix anymore it doesnt mean u become less important...u just have to catch my attention cus im running around trying to be superwoman.i realise i do that alot i alwes try to achieve as much as possiblee...and stressig myself out..basicallly i feell like im alwes trying to strive for sumthing..itss like ok once ive reached my goal i wont be satisfied and try to reach for another goall...gosh i wear myself out...

i feel like going down memory lane.......
i remember actually waking up and feeling happy about going to skul cus i knew it woud alwes be an intersting day at skul...i would usually be early so i would walk up the stairs and start chattering away with the early birds like claude or saf or wang or attend morning mass at church...damn as the day progressed ann,charm and vee will arrive and we'll aredi have sumthing to laugh hysterically about...even if it was stupid...sitting next to veetash in class was alwes fun cus she'll alwes have stomach aches..like she'll call them contractionss and il be drinking her water from her SEXY bottle..and by 2nd period i had gone to the toilet 5times...and i alwes like to jumpp on ann and she'll alws be like..WWOOII!!!!!..and yeah we'll alwes try to get charm to let us read her msgss cus she was on it 24/7!!..and she'll never give in!!.we alwes ask for lanja..and pppll that usually succumbed were FAZA =)..SAF =)...ZUL =)....and even pierre.sumtimes..ahahah...oh yeah KYLE =)....i remembered my roswell montage when the whle day i would recite lines from roswell when ppl start toking to me and il finish as whle scene!!..and they would try to shut me up and i remember clearly the first day of final term and i sed i watched my roswell 2nd season cus i cudn helpp it!!..and i started tokin about it and veenah was like DUDE!!!u know i wouldn mind listening on other dayss just nott EXAM DAYSS!!love u mang!!..a.ahaha.i loved our assemblies cus we would bitch so much and talk crap with the guys at the back and trying to get away from the sunlight as much as possiblee....i would usually meet zul while kneeeling down amidst the crowd!!..ahhaha...damn i remember english and math d would be sooo farny cus we would NEVER EVER get teacher rose so we expected to fail for GCE!! and we would just not give a crap about work and pisss pierre and azlaney off...i miss master goh!!..dman he wasss cooll..hahaha...though what i remember may not seem that significant in any way...its significant to ME n thats what it will owes be..itss weird cus i forgot all the bad times and remembered all the good...all i know is that those were the ppl i didnt have to be anyone else but myself..i could get so loud and annoyingg but they never minded that much and still loved me for it..

u know the feeling u get when u remember a memory and smile to urself. thats what it felt like being in secondary school with all of u..........a simple form of happiness*

today we had remembrance sunday at church and it was in remembrance of the war and the peeople that fought!!
war is a complete bitch..why the hell do ppl think that war willl solve anything...how can u be soo smartt and then so OBLIVIOUS!!!!!!!!..i dun get it.....just promise me one thing.......if u had a chance to chnage whats happenning plsss do

im lost for wordsss..a feeeling that i cant describe and a word the philophers
couldnt explain...

sumtimes i wonder what in the world is wrong with me?..i feell completely
lost in my thoughts and all i do hope for time to be alone just so that i
can just get lost in my dreammss and let my imagination run wild...itsss completely
crazy cus i feel the loneliness creeping up and i wonder how i aallowed myself
to reach thisss point...i talked to my veetash just noww and chatted with peeps
from brunei and damn i miss them..itss like an old tshirt that no matter how
many holess it has accumulated or the colourss that fadee...it stilll seems
perfect =)...i guesss itss like loving sumthing for what itss worth and not
cus of what it may look to otherss...i just realise sumthing about myself im
a hopeless romantic and i allow my heart to be completelyy exposed and not
allow anything to get in the wayy....i expect the best and i give all MY best
cuss less is not an optionn for me...if u dun love me completelyy and hopelessly
then i will have nuthing to do with u..sumtimess when ur luckyy my heart
takes the wheell and look passs all ur flawss and the fact that u dun really love
me but once i open my eyes and realise....i cant take it and i will not accept it.
is it wrong to want be lovedd completelyy and not settle for sumthing
ordinaryy??.dun hate me cus thats just who i am...so dun tell me that u love me if u cant prove it...cus ur wordsss will just be like grains of sand on the beach that will be lost and forgotten in the midst of evrything....im completely lost in him right now and falling realllyy hard...is it reall???...
he makess me smile,laugh and safe though hes not with me...i question and
wonder if my heart is playing trickss with me like the mannyy times it has
in the past....im not afraid cus isnt that what love is all about...u jumpp off that cliff hoping that theres sumthing that will catch u before u reach bottom...!!..why live an ordinary life when it can be EXTRAODINARY!!

there is no maybee in life

u werent suppose to cumm in the picturee...i didnt seee u cuming until u were standing right in front of me...

so yeah i had the most crapp dayy..firstlyy my contract is being a bitch 2.i had
fight with my brother 3.im freakingg confused 4.i wont see sumone when i get
back..but u know whats the most surprising thing!! i am stilll smiling and
laughing..i actualllyy cried in chemistry like hystericallly !!...i dunno why cus
i was having a homesick tired and sad and DEFinitelYY badd DAY!!.im still
laughing cus in a way i decided il give myself a few hours to feell sorry for
myself and then get my head out of the shyt that has accumulated...and he called me like 3times todayy...

damn veeNAHHH!! i love love u!!..when i was reading ur blog i dunno why but i
started laughing hystericallly and i dun even know why!!...
yeah babe everythings gonna be alrite * ....u myy veetash!!!!!!...i know rrite random conversations is what i love mostt =)

anywessssssss............................................................
.......SHYT happenSS!!..
but id rather dive in than get pushed in!!

i went to london todayy..for the first time..jenny and i went on our own without our seniorss!!...we were so afraid we would get losstt!!..aahhahaha..anyways we didnt..except at one pointt..we thought we went on the wrong buss and jennnyy panickedd and pressed the stopp button and i was like WHAT THE HELL?..so the buss stoppedd and i was likee..oi we are not suppose to get off YET!!!..and the whole buss stoppedd and no one got off!!...aahahaha..yeah ppl are playing fireworksss at the bedoford modern skul but im too lazyy to watch it...damn surprisingg to the maXX..cuss i love fireworkss..ehehhe..i went shopping toDAYy...ahhaha...

we were so bored last nite..we wacthedd bridget joness one and two!! in cathrins room and then felt so sleeppy so i slept half thru part twoo!!!..i called home just now cus i just bought a new line contract and i got a new phone!!..a.ahahahah...its the samsung d900!!...its sexyy anwess my dad picked up the phone...and i almost cried cus i just realised i havent heard his voice in agess cus hes been working offshore and usualllyy i would tok to myy mum and sis...i misss myy DAD!!..gosh i just lovee him soo much...it was weird cus i had a dream about him few nitess ago and i dreamt we were talking in my living rroom at home then the next day my mum called and said my dad had a dream about meee too..ahahhahahaa..how weird rite?

i screaammm..i laugh......i cryy........i bitch......i pissss u offff.....but there u are...sTilL admitting that u love me

ODE= i will mail u soonn!!!..damnnn..we go empiree...chew told me ur hard at work in getting the moneyy for ourrr emperorss suitee!!

what can i say.. i love him*

im gonna watch canterbury taless at the thetare in london tonight but im feeling rather sick so i hope it wont ruin itt!!,,i tink it should be great if all goess well...i love i love today i dunno why but im just ridiculouslyy happyy!! i love today cuz im just so happpy...it was so cold todya and wore like tonnes and tonness of layers of clothess...i misss brunei..ahahaha..but im saying it happily cuz il be backk in a few weekss!!...ok u know what all u peeepss reading this...esp DIL pierreeeeeee ..veeTAG!!,,we have to spend new yearss in freaking empire and have the time of our livesS...plss pls...ahahahaha....dun go labuan bah!!..majal eh...ahahaha....anyways u guys are going to KK and u guyss kicked me off that trip!!..ahahaha...anyhootts

i love i can be whover the hell i wanna be and u cant say anything aboutt it.....

i love the fact that....my dreamss can come trueee