disintegrate

rate

just imagine

just imagine having the wingss but was too afraid to fly
just imagine being capable to love but too afraid to fall
just imagine never smiling cuz we're to afraid to cry
just imagine never opening up to the ones we love most
just imagine we're too afraid to live cuz we"re too worried on what others mite think
but never stop to think who are the OTHERS?
just imagine being afraid to dream cuz u cant handle the disappointment
just imagine dying tomorow and realising u were too afraid to do anything!

so yeah...

*time passes so freaking fast..feells like evryday im running...i wanna be present in MY life and not just observe..i hate reGRETS!!..if there was one thing in my life that will keep me up at nite it wil be the feeling of regret......but right now i can say that i am happy and blessed..rite now i have no regrets!!..evrything has happened for a reason...evryday i tell myself that......

today i woke up at 11 and went out at 12..hhehe..we all went shopping agaiinn..ahhaha..damn we're spending loads itss soo soo scary..ahah...arina and i got approached by this freay man..he was mumbling sumthing to us and we walked away from him very slowly!!..ahaha...damnfreaky...anyways we went beraya-ing AGEN..first we went to this house which served teh tarik!!..i was soo soo happy i drank like 4cupss!!..ahaha..and we kept saying the house was yummy cuz all bruneian food was all sooo sooo good!!..puas hati!!..ahaha..yeah and kamilin treated us star buckss..hess soo soo sweet..ahahha....then we went to the ustaz house and we got lost looking for his house so we walked in circles..but it was funny cuz in the midst of confusion we still managed to take so many pictures!!..ahaha...and tajus got annoyed cuz i kept calling him BOOF cuz hes a BODY BUILDER..so now evryone calls him that...ahahah...damn i feel like my eyes have seriously been opened from the start of the whole experience..like last time i had this whole stereotypical image of bruneians as in bandarians or ppl i dun really know..like their snobby or whatver..but i now realise evryones the same evryones just looking for a fren and no one actually just sets out to hurt sumone else..unless that person is a psychotic-FREAK!!..anywyas im just so happy that their the frens ive made and i just cant wait for all my holidays spent in brunei hall and seriously home is where my heart is its like they remind me so much of home that its just comfortable being around them like i dun have to act a certain way and THANK GOD for that..they get that im loud and also im so into talking brunei malay right now!!.oh yeah arina,rabs,naz,dibah,rahmat and i were at startbucks today and like we were talking about scary movies like shutter,nangnak,cello and at at one point arina described a particular scene and naz shouted really loudly 'AWU!!!' and evryone stopped and stared at us and we're like hokei chill!!!...and evrynite at 11 everyone comes downstairs and watch final destination and lunch and dinner we walk down to lolitas and buy kebabs..and just sit around in the dining hall with our laptops...and last nite fara and kim cooked 20pakcets of meee goreng!!..ahahah..like it finished in less than 2seconds once it reached the table....and evryone has a spending addiction even the guys!!.ahaha..which is soo sooo farny we keep saying its the last thing we're gonna buy but when into another store we have to SPEND!!..

oh my gosh!!..there was a mega sale at lily whites and like the bikinis were 2pounds!!..ahaha..so i went nutss and i bought 3!!..ahahah...so pretty!!...ahaahha.....tomorw we're all having a picnic down at hyde park!!..ahaha but i cant go cuz my aunt and cousins are taking me out for lunch..but then at 2 we have to go for an open house!!...ahahha.ud think me being in london that i would have absolutely nuthing to do in raya but seems like i have more places to go!!..ahahhha..

ok so yeah anyways..anyone wanna join my brunei fan club!!!..??......i have a tagboard thanks to veenah...so yeh...join my brunei fanclub!!...ahahah...

shyt im going back to bedford in 2days..what the helll?..NOO...ahahaha...

**AS i twirl aroundd....i spin and spin......happiness is on my fingertipss...i fall ....
but guess what...

ur there to pick me back up agen..thanks u for that =)..muaks

lalala.....hrmm hrmm...wahhh!!!!
so u know what i did yesterdayy...i went ice skating!!..ahahaha...like all 22 of us went to the skating rink in bayswater at 8 after going beraya-ing in sumones house in sussex gardens. it was the funniest thing cuz of most of us didnt know how to skate at all so u could imagine all of us getting onto the ice and holding the side of the rink..we were like just behind one another trying to skate..and the first person to fall was kamilin which was a very frantic fall by the way...he tried his very best to not fall by flapping his armss and balancing himself with his legs!!..ahaha i just kept laughing like hell which was mean but i was also laughing at my own self too..so yeahh..i fell oncE!!..ahh i almost couldve said i didnt fall cuz its just that when farisa came to me all of a sudden we just lost our balance and BANG!!..yeah we skated to 3freaking hourss my feeet were soo sooo sore after..not funnyY! and i was freEEzingg..soo sooo cold...aahaha...yeah and the nite before we watched final destination 1 like all of us crowded around my laptop and aligned the chairs like as if its the cinema biadap eh all of us..i kept screaming like hell eventho i watched it alredi..hrmm hrmmm...i got so freaked going back up to my room at 1!!...hahaha...

yeah anyways....i went shopping today...ahhh..with naz,rabs,adibah,rahmat and arina...there wre elike tonnes of sale..we left brunei hall at 130 and came back at like 8 then we rushed straight down to the basement cuz the warden who livess there had a open house..so yeah we took to the oppurtunity to get a free dinner but we felt so embarassed when we got there cuz evryone was wearing baju kurung and baju melayu and we were in jeans and i was in quarterss...we tried to walk back up the stairs but they spotted us and asked us to come!!..goshh..that was embarassing...anyways il be back in 48days...how cool is that..my half-term hols is passing sooo freaking fast right now but i dun care cuz it just means il be going to brunei sooner..so yeah...and im speaking loadss of malay here..which is weird...im feeeling soo soo sleeppy right...ok yeah i just realised my blog about my tennis shoes was freaking random!!..aahahah...im just going nutss right now..damn i hope im not getting fatter itss soo annoying!!!...urghhh..esp when ppl keep offering me krispykreme doughnutss.......smackss me!!

im now in brunei hall with evryone...anways today we all celebrated hari raya at the brunei high comissioners place and it was soo soo fun..evryone was soo soo happy and colourful im telling u right now ive never ever beenn so excited about hari raya before in my life..we ust went crazy when we saw all the raya cakes and bruneian food =)...oh yeah then evryone started singing to malay hari raya songs in the karaoke!!...it was soo sooo fun!!..we sang freaking loudd!!..yeah thatwas fun and then came back from and hung out at the lobby of brunei hall till 7 and then bought kebabss to eat!!..yum yum...anyways i was like really sad this morning cuz my sis and mum left today at 5 am!!..but luckily the raya celebration kinda cheered me up and now i just cnt wait to get back..lalala..muaksZZ..and sumone kinda cheered me up today by giving me a ring..i tink im gonna sleepp now cuz evryone left alredi and im here in the dining reminiscing about past rayas...hehehe....

ok my tennis shoes wanna tell a story..

hi im a tennis shoe!!
actually im vanessa's tennis im really pretty cuz im mostly white with a hot ink nike sign..
so yeah...i 've been with vanessa for the 10months..i remember she bought me in bandar
she was kinda franticallly llooking for me cuz she was gonna leave for KK for borneo games..
so she had to find sumthing amazing so she chose me..damn i sound so cocky maybe i got it from her..=)

anyways she almost uses me evryday and on the dayss she doesn she wish she did!!...aahhaa..
ok yeah i dun really know whats my point in this whole story..
just that vanessa lovess tennis and now shes so sad that she cant use me all the way in the UK cuz she has no one to play with and the only one that she can play withbesides in brunei is all way in australia and and oh yeah he has great shoes..ahaha..ok yeah now im just stuffed in vanessa's locker at school cuz she forgot to take me out before she left bedford for her mid-term break and hopefully no one will take me away cuz i know she wont handle it..and im still kinda hurt she named her site pinksneakers when she only had her before she left for UK...

Vanessa's tennis shoess part 1

how can u feeell like ur on top of the world one minute and the next ur heart is freaking heavy...
this blog will successsfully display the fickleness and 2-facedness of my life...

OK....i had the most AMAZING 18th birthday...i nevr never ever thought in a million that was how i was gonna spend it...well first thing that happened was that my mum surprised me when i was in londn cuz i knew my sis ws cuming but i didnt know that she was cuming...ahahah...and im telling u i was never ever that blur that morning...yeah...welll on the 16th oct i just went shopping mad in oxford and regent street!!..gosh itss serious craziness when ur shoppingg in london..itss like evrything is soo sooo prETTyy u just cant control yourself......the next day i was we used a train to paris!!...ahh...i nevr thought i would achieve one of my life dreams at age 18 and it felt completely crazy when i arrived...we stayed at this cute hotel with blue walls and like we had a pretty balcony looking over the streets it kinda felt like moulin rouge!!..when i opened the balcony doors i screamed out PARIS!!...ahahah...yeah i went to the louvre and i saw the mona lisa...i had goosebumps when i saw it...oh yeah and i saw the arch the triumphe and EIFFEL tower!!..it was soo sooo huge and preTTY....completelyy crazy man...ok yeah so shopping in paris is sooo sooo gooood!!!...like even better than londonn....basically i had a series of presents and i just felt like such a lucky star...so now im back in london...and staying at a frens place...hrmm..i met my aunt mariam and uncle glyn in bristol and damn it was a long ride..like 3hours cuz of traffic but it felt so goodd walking into the house and smelling brunei home cooked food...

my sis and mum gonna leave tomorw morning its soo sad!!..snifff bet il cry like helll but then anways il be cuming back in a month so i guess itss ok..i cant wait to get back..hrmm but im scared shytless thinking about sum of the things i mite have to face when i get back and i dun know how im gonna handle it...hpefully thingss wont be as bad as i think it would be....at this moment in time.after the wholee CRAZINESS and surrealness from last weeekk..im just starting to be abit more mellow and now feeeling abit sad....hrmmm......i just feeell like i have to live in the moment and be happyyy like i know i can never turn back time...i mean i really miss what i had before but i know i can never ever get it backk....i cant help but feell abit weird or uncomfortable listening to ppl toking about how they've moved on and found sumone else cuz it hurts and also u start to wonder if what u had was real or not?...im just here all on my own...with my past in my pocket and my eyes towards the sky...

yeah..im basicallly hurt that uve moved on..maybe not hurt but more shocked..but anyways i have no right to say anything anymore..so it doesnt matter...

catching all the falling stars*

now that i have gathered myself and calmed down*

anyways,im feeeling goood right now and u know why? cuz
1)i chatted to veenah and taalked to her last nite!!..i started laughing even before we started talking and at point she was telling me about the stuff she ate that day..yumm!!i wan teh-tarik!!..i misss itt..sumbody pls send me some!!..im teh tarik deprived!..veetash i love ya loadsssss!!no worries in the midst of my many flings u are still my number one =)

2)i got an email from ode!!..ahhh my ccacat neighbour!!u knw what i misss GP class it was alwes soo soo fun..like hakim will be talking cacat,dorothy will keep calling me jasmine,ode alwes screaming out random comments and that time we watched SUper siZE me!!..and and when i would steal ode's paper..

3)and i talked to darren!!..hahaaaha...evil laugh*

4)cuz i realised im surrounded ppl who rockss so much and love me loaDsss!!that i shouldnt worry about mistakes ive made cuz i have so much to look forward to from this day onwardss..i realised i have tonnes of things waitin for me that im actually happy cuz i dun have to feell guilty abt anything...

5)im a millions times happier too cuz i get to see my veetash and be back in brunei in exactly 2months!!..how cool is that!!!..smacksss

6)oh yeah my sister is cuming in two days and il be in london cuz i have midterm break for 16days!!!lalala...and we're going to pariss!!!and he bday was few days ago and im treating her by paying for her ticket to ride the london-eye and madam tuso which is a wax museum!!..ahaha...sumbody smackk me!!!i love my sis!!!...she is sho sho cool....wouldnt trade her for anything...smackkss her!!...

7)IM TURNING FREAKING 18!!!BLOODY HELLL IM LEGAL!!!!...that is some straight up shyt mAN!!...

8) I LOVE BRUNEI!!!..BRUNEI IS IN MEE!!...and i love evryone in brunei...even ppl who are aint so nice to me but ish ok!i am a brunei fan..wanna set up a brunei fan club?...and brunei rockkss and im sounding retarded right now!!..but but...im serious HOME IS WHERE MY HEART IS!!!....i miss hanging with the gang!! like before i left kept hanging with annalene, zul,pierre,scott,anthony,saf and brian,,,pierre being freaishly loud,zul driving us around,annalene keepp calling me Vanessa teo IN HER TONE!,anthony my cuzzie wussyy...and brian my skanky biyatch lovee him...and wani!!!!!!!!..and so many other ppl...everywhere in brunei is like a memory!!i miss going to veenahs house and stealing papadams!!..oni her house makes nice one and i miss stealing chocolate from ode like calling her and asking her to throw chocolate over her fence for me to eat and going thru annalene fridge for anything edible usualyy cornflakes!!..ahahaha...

9)im GOING BACK IN 2MONTHS

10) AND MY FINAL reason....i AM VANESSA TEO!!..with all my imperfections i still LOVE me and i still LOVE the world which will never be perfect BUT with the ppl that i know and love...it just makes it worth moving forward!!

im soooo ANNoyed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hate the fact that ur a fucking assholee!!!!!!!!!....
i hate the fact that im sooo pissed right now!!!! and i dun even know why??..
wish i could erase u and just suffocate the llast of oour so called MEMORIES...
FUCK THAT!!

sumone told me once' IF UR GONNA MAKE A MISTAKE,MAKE IT A GOOD ONE!!'
hell yeah that it was a goodd one!!!...sumtimes i just feell like screamin at the top of my lungss!!
i dun neEEDd u..i dun give a crap...why do all guys that i love become tooo SHYT cowardly to say what they bloody mean....if u wanna say sumthing...say it STRAight up and NOT HOPE THAT IL UNDERSTAND or get the signalss..im not a mind reader!!..bloody helll im even more pissed that i may purposely missed tthe signallSSsssss....

stop acting like u care cuz u DUN OK?...i was just too thick to seeee...anyways im just gonna live my liife the way I want to.....if u cant handle whats going on then by all means move out of my fucking way!!

this entry aint for the faint hearted*

im not gonna pretend anymore its up to u to accept me as i am*

im so sick of pretending evrything is soo great...im sick of putting on a show to make evryone believe when the only person that isnt convinced is me.......i run aroundd doing as many thingss as i can just to have sumthing to fill the hollowness and disatisfaction that i feell within me...the question of why i dun measure up...i kept on going as long as i coulld till it all came crashing down without anyone to catch me just cuz no one knew what was going on..how could they?..i was playing the role to perfection...sumtimess i fooled even myselff...letss see..this is the girl ive tried to build...shes the one that playss tennis and gets so much satisfaction from it, shes the one that is truly a christian and know where she stands, shes nice to evryone and just think the world is her shell and evrythingsss going so perfectly...

i love tennis and playing the game..it makes the happiest when i get to hit a ball back and forth and train my ass offf...but then as i sooon realisedd tennis is not a one man game and u are alwes faced with an oppnonent not a physical human being but the opponent in ur mind..that createss disbelief and self doubt..ive been paralysed by this same thing since i was ten....when i lost my first tournament i sed to myself itss ok i can do better so thats i did i tried my hardest and i felt the improvementss and my heart was at ease then people with their vicious critics started to hurt but i healed but then when the person i held utmost regard lost his belief in me an forgot about me..he didnt have to say anything i knew it'd come sooner or later..i kept telling myself i could do it but how do u convince urself of sumthing when u dun believe it urself...sumtimes i wonder why do i still play when it makes me feel that bad?..theres a part of me thaat LOVES the game but im putting myself on a stage to be ridiculed....

i was alwes part of the church back home last time...once i found my way in the light of god...i just was just on cloud 9 and i could jsut scream at the top of my lungss how evryone should relise the salvation...i remember when i had a religious trip to kk on the last nite i cried because i felt so safe up in the mountains and i didnt wanna have to face the temptations that i will face when i come back....so after that i started helping out loads with the church and evrything was going great and ppl kept saying wow its soo great to see u here and how wonderful it is that im so helpful and then i became a self-righteous bitch who criticised silently ppl who didnt come to church regularly or showed no interest but as a year passed..tthosee encouraging words turned to hateful and spiteful wordss and then before i knew it they had turned their backs on me...after one year since then..i can say now that maybe u know what i deserved that treatment cuz i wasnt there for GOD bt for the approval of ppl..and what fOR?...just to feed my ego or my manifestation...and now instead of walking into church with my head held high i carry low and try to ignore those judgemental eyes as i walk in....im not a good christian maybe not even A christian cuz i dun represent god in what i do and until i do then maybe one day il be one.

i alwes have a tendency to want to be the best in evrything that i do just to prove to the world that maybe i am sumthing and that i had to be the best...what the hell?..tthats a whole load of bull shyt...why do i try so hard to prove to evryone that i am ok?..im not asking for sympathy i just realised i cant live my life as a lie anymmore...theres soo much of me that has been drowning by all the clutter and noisee...im turning 18 soon and maybe its a good time to turn over a new leaf if i can...i just feell that even with all the disappointments and heartache i still believe there is hope for me once i stop pretending and running away...

*im sorry thingss turned out the way they did...i truly loved u and wanted to be with u..but we both knew there was too much between us to just pretend like nuthing happened...so many thingsss that made us grow more and more apart...im not who i use to be anymore and i know that...so i hope ul have a good life and i wish u all the happiness ...

here i am awake at 1145!!!welll ive beenn feeeling kinda down lately maybe its just my homesickness still lingering on!!..anyways i had a great day first of alll...i went to mcdonalds with cathrin todayy!!we kinda got lostt at first cus we didnt know where it wass..soo we just acted smart and walkedd around and tried to look for it but failed so decided to ask some random guy where it was..so yay!!we ate there..it was prettyy weird cuz while i was eating it seriously reminded me of mcdonalds in gadong where veenah charm annalene and i use to go to eat when we would have trips or whenever we were in bandar togeda..damn i miss those days..itss like we would alwess and alwes go there eventho we knew it was freaking unhealthy and we alwes ordered large and i would alwes get the double cheese and charm would get big mac and ann would get double cheese too and veenah would alwes get sumthng diff!!...hahah..and oh yeah the whole picture taking in the mcdonalds toilet was soo farny...i miss my retardss...

okie anyways then later we walked around the town and went shopping for clothess and cards and accesories..eheh...so yeah we later went back to the house and walked to the cinema with laura jenny and ain!!.ohmy gosh on our way to the cinema we walked along the river park!!..there were soooooooo manyyy swanss and duckieSS!!!..there were likeee sooo many of them iwas going crazyyy!!!!..i was like such a tourist!!!...i kept screaming and running arounddd trying to get really close up picturesss of the swanss they were soo sooo gracefulll pwEETY!!!...and yeah this guy was fishing and he caught this rellly huge fish that i had a rush of emotions for the fish that i screameedd..let it free!!!...ahah and ran away..so that prettyy funhnnYY!!..anwyays i we wacthed devil wears prada!!..and i tink that moviess rockksSS..i really likee it....it has a cooll storyline welll sum ppl didnt like so pfhh!!

we had an assembly that day..and i got a commendation which is like an appraisal from teachers cuz of sumthing that u did for the skul or whatver...ahaha.anyways during assembly mr.laurence head of sixth of form turned on electric guitar music and what we had to do when our name got calledd out was to stand up and pretend we were playing an electric guitar!!!....ahhahaa....damn it soo weird...when my name got called i slid as low as i possibly could in my seat and so i didnt do it!!..it was just that embarassing and in the endd most girlss didnt do it!!...so mr.laurence came up and did it..he was sooo soo funny and later on he talking about his yoga lessonsss!!...friday assemblies are way more better than the monday and wednesday assemblies...

anywayss...we had our dance competition just now in the common room!!!...like we were all just that boreddd that we switched the channel to mtv and start making stupid dance movESs..so we called it the westlandsss dance competition of 2006!! and now my feeett hurt frm jumping up and down...todays was jojo's birthday and we had a lil party thingy for her..her dads here friom hongkong to see her..damn ive beenn eating so much chocolate cake latelyy!!!..i dun wanna get fat!!..ahahaha...

remember the timess when we would laugh and just not care...
i miss those timess....i misss not caring...

why do i feell so sad rite now?..i just did a whole load of bio revision and now im feeeling so drained up...i feeel like im stuck in a slow and silent movie where everything seemms to make sense from a distance but tend to turn to confusion once closely examined...

im starting to get use to this place and really liking all the frens that ive made...itss quite fun boarding cuz we get to give random room visiitss and laugh at who has the messiest rroom..and claries,vanessa and keiko won handss down...and last nite at 12 evryone met infront of my room to wake jenny up my roommate to sing her happy birthday with this german cake we bought from lidl's(my first time there!!!)..ahahaha...that had a hole in the middle of it..it was pretty punny cuz jenny was soo soo blur!!...i hate waking up in the morningss itss like freakishly coldd!!! and like my bed seemss like the safest place in the whole wide world at 715am in the morning...anywayss since ive beenn here we've been having tonness of talks on universities and applications so anyways this graduate from liverpool performing arts university came and waas talkin about how great her uni was cuz it was actually set up by paul mcartney for musicians and ppl in the performin arts to sharpen their skilss up to a professinal level she told us that dion warwick actually came once to give a talk about her road to successs that we pretty awesome...

she was this girl whowas 5feet and looked asian but had a peculiar accent..and she was talking about herself being a sound tech engineer and how it was a male dominated profession and like how she had to prove herslef cus when ppl saw her they were like what the helll?...ur not our sound tech!!...so yeah..ahah she was just saying hooww no matter how different u are ul have to prove urself and just kick ass while doing it....i guess i was kinda like realy motivated in that sense like who gives a crap that im like freaking petite!!...aahhaha...that doessn matter all that matters is that i believe in myself and that i know what im capable of...i wana live my life the way i seee fit..and not care what ppl mite think of it...i may change and i may say the wrong things but who doesnt?..

.............................................................................................................................................................................
things werent suppose to turn out this way,
u werent suppose to leave that way,
ive turn my back and walked away,
i tell myself that evrythings gona be ok.

hey...so this is my first blog in my neww sitee!!!..i didnt wanna change my blog but just that my weberocking has rejected me by not obeying commands to stay in the areas where my blog is suppose to be..so yeah...here u aree!!!..in mypinksneakers!!!...

reasons why i chose this blogname-
1.i like pink sneakers and i have a pair!!
2.i was gonnaa use mytennishoes but i tot this sounded coooler!!.but i love my tennis shoes more than i love my pink sneakers(i have a story to tell abt my tennisshoess!!)
3.i had limited time so i had to brainstorm in less than 5minutes..so yeh thats my creative capacity...
4) who cares..once im linked up no one will ever need to remember it anyways...MUAKZ

welll..since my life has done a 360 turn on me..i just figured itss time for a chnage i guess...