disintegrate

rate

im not gonna pretend anymore its up to u to accept me as i am*

im so sick of pretending evrything is soo great...im sick of putting on a show to make evryone believe when the only person that isnt convinced is me.......i run aroundd doing as many thingss as i can just to have sumthing to fill the hollowness and disatisfaction that i feell within me...the question of why i dun measure up...i kept on going as long as i coulld till it all came crashing down without anyone to catch me just cuz no one knew what was going on..how could they?..i was playing the role to perfection...sumtimess i fooled even myselff...letss see..this is the girl ive tried to build...shes the one that playss tennis and gets so much satisfaction from it, shes the one that is truly a christian and know where she stands, shes nice to evryone and just think the world is her shell and evrythingsss going so perfectly...

i love tennis and playing the game..it makes the happiest when i get to hit a ball back and forth and train my ass offf...but then as i sooon realisedd tennis is not a one man game and u are alwes faced with an oppnonent not a physical human being but the opponent in ur mind..that createss disbelief and self doubt..ive been paralysed by this same thing since i was ten....when i lost my first tournament i sed to myself itss ok i can do better so thats i did i tried my hardest and i felt the improvementss and my heart was at ease then people with their vicious critics started to hurt but i healed but then when the person i held utmost regard lost his belief in me an forgot about me..he didnt have to say anything i knew it'd come sooner or later..i kept telling myself i could do it but how do u convince urself of sumthing when u dun believe it urself...sumtimes i wonder why do i still play when it makes me feel that bad?..theres a part of me thaat LOVES the game but im putting myself on a stage to be ridiculed....

i was alwes part of the church back home last time...once i found my way in the light of god...i just was just on cloud 9 and i could jsut scream at the top of my lungss how evryone should relise the salvation...i remember when i had a religious trip to kk on the last nite i cried because i felt so safe up in the mountains and i didnt wanna have to face the temptations that i will face when i come back....so after that i started helping out loads with the church and evrything was going great and ppl kept saying wow its soo great to see u here and how wonderful it is that im so helpful and then i became a self-righteous bitch who criticised silently ppl who didnt come to church regularly or showed no interest but as a year passed..tthosee encouraging words turned to hateful and spiteful wordss and then before i knew it they had turned their backs on me...after one year since then..i can say now that maybe u know what i deserved that treatment cuz i wasnt there for GOD bt for the approval of ppl..and what fOR?...just to feed my ego or my manifestation...and now instead of walking into church with my head held high i carry low and try to ignore those judgemental eyes as i walk in....im not a good christian maybe not even A christian cuz i dun represent god in what i do and until i do then maybe one day il be one.

i alwes have a tendency to want to be the best in evrything that i do just to prove to the world that maybe i am sumthing and that i had to be the best...what the hell?..tthats a whole load of bull shyt...why do i try so hard to prove to evryone that i am ok?..im not asking for sympathy i just realised i cant live my life as a lie anymmore...theres soo much of me that has been drowning by all the clutter and noisee...im turning 18 soon and maybe its a good time to turn over a new leaf if i can...i just feell that even with all the disappointments and heartache i still believe there is hope for me once i stop pretending and running away...

*im sorry thingss turned out the way they did...i truly loved u and wanted to be with u..but we both knew there was too much between us to just pretend like nuthing happened...so many thingsss that made us grow more and more apart...im not who i use to be anymore and i know that...so i hope ul have a good life and i wish u all the happiness ...