im unpredictable....

2008-06-16T13:26:00.000-07:00

i found this song and it reminded me of all the reasons why i fell in love with you in the first place and why i decided to take that leap of faith with u....

my heart achess and fills with crazehness...even when things seems impossible you find a way to come back to me.

this is a song that describes what i feel for you

thats why i love you

Because the way we kiss is better than any drug
because when I'm with you I believe in love
'cause you take chances most people would NEVER take
you go out on a limb and your not afraid to break
and it gives me faith
I thought I'd never find someone as crazy as myself
no matter what I've done
you always come when I cry for help

that's why I love you
and thats why I love you
there's no one in this world
anything like you
thats why I love you

because the times I hurt you always understand
because you cure me with the sweet touch of your hand
because your not afriad to come off like a fool
without trying baby you define the truth
and you make me laugh
I thought I'd never find someone
who can see through my eyes
u always know when I tell the truth and when I telling lies

and thats why I love you
thats why I love you
theres no one in this world
anything like you
thats why I love you
oh oh

no one and nothing baby
could ever tear us apart
lets stick together baby
nothing will hurt us

that's why I love you
that's why I love you
there's no one in this world
anything like you
that's why I love you
that's why I love you
that's why I love you
there's no one in this world
anything like you
that's why I love you

2008-06-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

hrmm hrmmm the weekend is over and now its the beginning of the end!!..cant belive my last exam is on thursday and i officially am a graduate of Bedford High!!..GAA....so happy and relieveDD :). i guess il feel so ssad because i have to leave everyone here and not have someone to talk to till 2.30am abt random past stories . i couldnt sleep few nights ago and i just went into jojo's room and had the longest talk with her and vivian and joyce. it was fun, i never actually talked so much with them before but it was nice anyways. i am so obssessed with ashlee simpson songs at the moment from her new album!!!...especially one of the songs called cant have it all :) basically listened to it the whole weekend long..

i have two papers left!!!!..how crazehh is that??.im so excitedddd!!and HAPPYY..id probably start screaming and crying after im donee...just start jumping around like a mad foolll..hahaha..i dont care anywyas!!! :)...

eekkss...2more weeks till i see my FAMILYYYYY DARREN FRIENDSS!! awesomee ~~~...
eekkzzz....good luck for evryone else who still has papers to do.... :)

do u smell the stench of the end? :)

2008-06-12T10:23:00.000-07:00

i had my chemistry exam today and it didnt go as bad as i had predicted?..but why do i feel so depressed and sad?..is it because i couldve have done better but not really because it was finee just wondering if it'll be good enough :(

i feel like im burning out and im sick of all of this shyt as it has been dragging for the longest time and now i feel so SAD and demotivatedd :( i dont even have anymore energy to start revising for my bio exam tomorrow it really suckss to have one week break in between each paper because it makes u feel like your slowlyyyy dying with each passing day. i really dont know what it is but im so stressedddd and unhappy :(

why oh why..do u have to keep popping back into my life time and time again. i dont need you to be here because i believe you should go back to where it is you came from...the past!

okie im justtt shouting to my myself and SCREAMING..7 BLOODY MORE DAYS BIYATCH!!

i miss him and it sucks to be so far away from everyone that matters.>=<

2008-06-11T08:12:00.000-07:00

what does 6hrs hours of straight study and a lunch break in between do to you?..it makes u feel abit dazed , depressed and alittle hungry...i was trying really hard to push tthrough my 7hr mark but i couldnt as i uncontiously feell asleep on my bio text boook while i was in the library and after i woke up i didnt feel that great :(...so i decided to pack up and go homee!!! i think i definitely need the rest since my exam is tomorroww i guess i shouldn't use up all my brain cells just yet...but before going back i stopped over to costcutters to buy my energy drink(LUCOZADE)!!!! for tomorrow's exam. apparently it workss?..and i definitely will be needing a boost tomorrow because i have a 3 hour chem paper..oh dearie me...im praying for a miracle..

i do realise that all i have been blogging abt are my exams. and since this is a blog about my life. at the moment , my life revolves around my examss and YES its depressing!!!..10 more days people!!! :)... all i have to keep me going are all my collections of seriess..ive already finished watching ugly betty and greys and nowww im watching FRIENDS :)...I TELL you FRiends is freaking hilariouss!! i laugh so much esp season 7 and 8!! i dunno why but the humour just makes so much sense but yet not to obvious..its just one of those classics i guess. ok so i guess i am getting old when i start calling FRIENds Classics?????...somebody stop me !!!

i was just imagining about my friends and where will we all be when we turn 30!!! i wonder if by that i would have accomplished all of the thingss i had hope to have done by then .i bet some of us we'll even be married and all..my goodness!! it would be soo funny and yet scary!!.oh no ..i dont want to turn 30!!!..not even 20!!!!...maybe my reaction will be as dramatic as joey!!..hahaha...hopefully not as i hope to age gracefully??..ahahah what the heck..does that even happen..how can people except that one day they will be obsoletee..:(..but anyways tthis is a good time to say...

MAKE FULL USE OF YOUR TWENTIES CUZ UL NEVER LOOK THIS GOOD EVER AGAINN!!!!.......hahahaha

oh yeah that reminds me of the episode when rachel turns 30! then they showed parts of when everyone turns 30!! i think the funniest moment was when joey turned 30 and he was like SCREAming "WHY GODD??WHYYY?, i thought we had a DEAL???"..hahaha..it was freaking hilariouss!!.yeaaa yeaa..im easily entertained by the stupidity of joey TRIVIANI?. why am i bloggin so much?..its cus i have nuthing better to do because my only alternative is studying so yeah i chose this over that ...i just like typing and venting out all the frustrations that are bottling up. i just keep thinking about better days!!! days of summerr which i am ACHING for!!..its so close but yet so FARR..GAAA!!!

i love it how itss almst over :)

ps: have a safe flight SAF...and glad i got to say goodbye!!! Take care noww ..and i saw pic of you in ranoadidass!!!..aaha.AWW!!!!

fab.

2008-06-10T09:25:00.000-07:00

i am walking on sunshine...more like running on it :)...time is pasing relatively fast and im sO excited eventhough that means im getting closer to my final examss :(..sniff sniff...i think i am prepared and though its not 100% i feel as though i am preparedddd ..im just trying every possible way to not start panicking because that didnt help during my last paper. something really scary happened last night here in dodgy old bedford but im still yet to confirm if it REALLY happenedd but cant believe there are druggies right outside my doorstep and i only find this out NOW..at least i have a few weeks left here so im not worried but im worried abt my juniors tho..hrmmzz..why is the world such a scary place?

mariam and i were being abit crazy just now , she randomly came into room and we just chatted for abitt..she stays right next to me so then goes back to her room then i hear her shouting out..VANESSA can u hear me??..i was like huh?.she was like shouting out from her window and i was like yeah i can hear u..so we started having a conversation with our heads sticking out the window then we looked down and we saidd oh maybe people down there could have conversations like this too but the moment i looked , one of the girls closed her window...hahahaha...and then i told mariam i think we are too loud..so we're like OK. and closed out window again..hahaha

i miss sunshine and shower of beautiful rain drops:)
everything is going to be ok as im not afraid anymore.
i let my heart go and hoping that you'll catch me when i fall
theres a difference..
when i smile , i smile wider when ur there
when i laugh, i laugh louder when ur there
...the sun is shining and how lucky am i to be blessed with such beautiful weather!!!

all i can im EXCITEDDD!!!!!!!!..

fab:)

2008-06-07T02:36:00.000-07:00

im so in love with you..i want to scream it out on the rooftops :) your my one and only ..... one day we will set off into the sunset and realise that we've been in it all alongg ~~

A break from past papers i suppose :). well mechanics went ok i think..hopefully!!just that at one point i had a major panic attack which lead me to have a major blood rush to my head and basicallly sitting at the edge of seat!!..i think dr.pullen was abit worried as he kept looking at me when i was rushing through the last question. im not even sure why i thought i only had 5mins left !! that last question was THE BOMBB and now im afraid i may have misread it but im hoping i gget method marks as i had a 2 pages worth of workings..soo PLEASE!!! :(..sniff

ok so next exams is in 5dayss!! wahaha..oh yeass my beloved chemistry will be up and i am already worried..i keep hoping,praying and WISHING it wont be a massively bad paper as i am still aiming high and hopefully get an A!!!..oh yes very wishful thinkingg!! i guess i am an optimist =_=

ok so i made a NEW list:

1. HUG my parentsss and siblingsss and darren :)
2.get my hair cut cus it looks like i have "hermoine hair "..dammit!hahah
3. Drink teh tarik and kueh tiao and all the fabulousness of food in brunei :)
4.have a holiday with my family in thailand and then ausssiee...GA!!..surfs up?
5.work attachment at UBD
6. major bonding sessionss with annnn..and hopefullly shes be driving me around
7.bitch talks with bri bri..
8. get my driverssss..:)
9. watch endlesss tv and play tennis with my bro
10. go aerobicss with mummyy
11. tennis training in bandar and meet up with the teamm
12. movie marathonss in the cinema cus its damn cheap!
13. play golff with papa
14. endless evenings on the beach to watch the sunsets
15. maybe some sunrises tooo..
16. appreciating the heat(BRILLIANCE) of the sun without complaining
17.get a tan?..but not my baking myself but by playing TENNIS in the morning and swmming
18. jee juansss with my bro,leen and sistaa!!
19. spend time with my familyyyy...esp grandma and cousins
20.ENJOY being homeeee...:)

2008-06-04T10:22:00.000-07:00

did u miss me?..were u thinking about me today??..

so here i am again i have failed to overcome the urge of blogging...ok that was lame!

ANYWAYS...i spent a whole week in a london and wanna know what i did?..i spent the whole weeek revising for chemistry!! damn i really hope i wil do well i have neglected my other subs which isnt so good but i am just extremely worried about my chemistry papers...oh pleasee!! now im have a massive panic attack because the site where i usually get my mark schemes isnt working..OH MY GOODNESS ...i know its seriously retarded that i feel like stabbing myself over mark schemes but for these 2 weekks it my life..well i have been waking really early lately at like 615 and going into school before 7 to go swimming its actually quite relaxing and i never realised it until now . Everyone isnt really going into school because we are having study leave so im the only over excited person that goes to school before the break of DAWN!!!...gosh i realy scare myself sometimes..and i realise i really dislike Sleepp big big waste of time if only i didnt have to then i would have so much done :)

i miss cathrin..shes back in germany because shes done with her IB! now im friendless ..i tend to just chat non-stop with her and now shes not a few doors down anymore..but all is good because i only have 4 weeks left in this place. to say that i will miss this place will be an overstatement because i dont think will but i will forver cherish the experience as i grew up so much while i was here!!..its basically my stepping stone to bigger and BETTER things :).. Darren left like a week ago and it feels like a year or sumthing..i miss him so much , i keep telling him il call every alternate day but i keep calling just cus i miss the sound of his voice. i was having such a bad headache when i got up this morning and i wanted to call him because every time i have a headache he talks crap which makes me laugh and in turn make me forget that i have a headache..:)..yea yeass..i miss him heell loads but i try not to think about it because i HAVE EXAMS~!!!!,,,goodness me..i cant believe its already here the last strech of my journey of high school ...i cant wait! i feel myself at the edge and im about to jump off..

i cant believe some of really close peeps are going to australia!!!..GAHH..oh why??..shouldve chosen to come here..:)..but anywyas i really all of you the best of luck with what your pursuing and i hope all that you hope the experience would be..will be..i shall miss all the familiar faces when i go back...its hard to grow up and really realising that everything has changed and nothing will ever be the same but i know whatevr it is..we are all capable of achving all the successes of the world with enough FAITH and motivation..dont be afraid to leave because just like what my dad told me before i left

" once the nestling is ready and strong to fly over the nest, the mummy and daddy bird will support it by watching it leave the nest with heavy hearts "

life isnt always beautiful , life isnt always nice...it hurts and screamss out confusion but with enough love and patience we'll make it together , hand in hand..

i guess im speaking from experience as i remember leaving brunei 2 years ago as i had my heart in my throat and the many moments i didnt want to leave and just hold on to something!! someone to say dont leave but i never told a soul because the decision was made and i had to be strong for myself and evryone around me. the biggest fear was that i made a mistake and didnt want to lead a life of regret. i felt so small and unsure in an unknown place not knowing anyone, but at least i knew myself and trusted in my strength as evrytime i felt alone i knew GOD was watching over me..

and it was when i finally left did i appreciate what i had back home. its funny how i wished so hard to escape and when i finally did i only realise how lucky i was. not evryone will have the same experience but for me it was a life lesson nothing beats family and home. i think the best thing about living away from home is growing independent and finding out for yourself what it is you want from your life as you learn and discover many new things, as well as the people that you meet along the way.

ok but anyways i watched ugly betty season 2..and oh my gooddnesss...i cried so much!!!!!!..when they showed hilda with santos i really thought he didnt die and in the end he actually did die and she was imagining it all :( :( :(...as i am typing this i can actually burst into tears!!! its just so sad as they were planning a life together and it took 10 years from him to come back and take responsibility and he has to go aand die..WHYYYYYYY :(..so sad..i know its just a series but its just a real position as i cant imagine losing someone that i planned to spen d the rest of my life with then he just isnt there anymore..so sad..I MISS DARREN

i talked to veenah that day and gosh i love that girl. we were talking non-stop for god knows how long like we always do to make things worse i forgot what we talked about most of the time.. :)i miss that crazy beeeyotch and itss scary how in-sync we are at timessss...cant believe so many peeps wont be there when i get back at least i have ANN to bug and annoy..wahahaha..oh yeah GOODLUCKK for your examsss :)

and now im going to back to studying because i will nver stop my stupid rambling but yeah..the mark scheme site just opened up and im ECSTATIC..

FAB:)

2008-05-20T14:28:00.001-07:00

LET THE GAMESSS BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-05-20T05:02:00.000-07:00

"STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS!"

i hate the stereotype of non-speaking / silent ASIANSS!!!! that really gets to mee!!! how can people be soo damn ignorant to the world around them. At an age of globalisation and inter-relations some westerners are still living in the dark ages unable to accept foreign things. the only things they know how to do is exploit us and use us for cheap labour. what the fuck? itss not the 1800s anymore. people in asia have gained the respect that they so deserve and yes because we still have a MORALS AND RESPECT FOR ELDERS doesnt mean that we are not intelligent. most asians get to where they are through hardwork and not the fast route. we were able to enter new territory and try to make it on our own so that we can still carryy our traditions and religions.

unlike some after they have left their homes forget their roots and try to lead lives completely isolating those who have been there for them from the very beginning. not being able to speak up and not WANTING to speak up during conflicts are two very DIFFeRENT things. it may seem that it is a downfall to not let off our mouths during conflictss but in true fact it neevr was a downfalll until other PEOPLE used it against us and twisted to make it seem as if we are dumb.

what can we can say??? ASIANS are harmonious in nature and never into warss only when they really felt they to as they are being too suppressed. i mean in the long line of history westernerss have long taken the route of using their power to dominate our peaceful lands and for what???...POWER,GREED and MONEYYY..when we at the time in out livess just wnated to make sure there was enough food

for the family and that we were getting along as a village. those people are a glutinous bunch that can't see anything even when itss standing right in front of them because they ignorantt!!!!!...

so next time...you think about insulting asians or saying that their just a quiet bunch think AGAINNN!!!....after all it seemss as though we're just dragons in slumber waiting for the right moment to just leap out and some of us have succeeded. i respect china,singapore and india in making their statement and reaching a place where they are actually a threat to the world economy..

its time that we decide to stop avoiding conflict and just confront it when necessary as we are all capable .

2008-05-18T15:09:00.000-07:00

i have been obsessively listening to rescued by jacks mannequin! i really love that song as it carries me into a mood of complete utter relaxation.:)..yes yes...i am in need of relaxation. this whole week was a whirlwind of craziness which led to me act abit mental and nasty..well not reallyy as i just felt crummy within myself but from the resultss i received i kknow it will be all worth it in the end . i saw D this weekend because i went over to help him pack his roomm up..i always love spending time with him cus he seems to always tear me away from reality and just help me not think about my stresses. we actually went to tesco as he wanted to buy me this headache cooling cream stick thing!! i didnt think it was necessary but yet he kept on insisting that we go and buy it. so sam, may, darren and i went. and from the moment we went in darren kept dumping things into our cart thinking it is sumthing i might NEED during my stressful moments during my exam period. he will be leaving in a week and so i have dont have anyone to calm me down when i have my bitch fits!!!..hahaha..so i think he may have felt kinda bad that hes leaving me here...soo sweet :)

lalalla..i feel like going to lala land :)... in a weeks time it will be half-term and i will be staying in london for ten dayssss..YAY~~~..i lovee london!!! its such an amazing and vibrant city ..it remindsss me of new york but of course new york is 10times better..hahah..but maybe thats just because i am obsessed with all things americaa..what can i say? i have preferencess with how i eat my bacon and pancakess and also my tv showss :)

today is DARRENESSA's 1year 6monthss :)..we didnt really realise it was our anniversary until i saw the date on my way back from hatfield while i was in the train..ahahah....so we're gonna have a belated anniversary dinner next weekend.. i was thinking why didnt we remember but not to sound seriously cheesyy..most of the timeee we spend together it always feells like a special day because i think starting off with a long-distance and finally being together makes u appreciate moments with each other that even fighting face to face is a million timess better than fighting over the phone... he makess me smile,laugh and PISSED off..but we knoww that we wouldnt have it any other way...cus we'll go through all the emotions just as long as we're next to each other..

rescued

2008-05-17T01:36:00.000-07:00

"Rescued"

Two to one
Static to the sound of you and I
Undone for the last time
And there this was
Hiding at the bottom of your
Swimming pool some September
And don't you think
I wish I could stay
Your lips give you away

I can hear it, the jet engine
Through the center of the storm
And I'm thinking I'd
Prefer not to be rescued

Two to none
Roads that lead away from this
I'm following myself just this once
And I've got spun
It appears you're spun as well
It happens when you pay attention
This could take all year, but

When it's quiet, does she hear me?
Jettisoned to the center of the storm
And I'm thinking I
Prefer not to be rescued
Oh, I can feel her, she's dying
Just to keep me cool
I'm finally numb, so please
Don't get me rescued... rescued...

And it's unclear
But this may be my last song
Oh, I, I can tell
She's raising hell to give to me
She got me warm
So please don't get me rescued
Oh, say you'll miss me one last time
I'll be strong, but whatever you do
Please don't get me rescued...

'Cause I'm feeling like
I might need to be near you
And I feel alright, so please
Don't get me rescued...

2008-05-08T08:27:00.000-07:00

i think this shall be one of those type of blogss that pretty much depressing and melancholic. i had a day filled with stress and i am pushed to the edge i can barely feel the ground below me. i have lost evrything that i love most,. i havent had the moodd to talk as it tires me and is just too much effort and my love for waffles has deteriorated and foood for that matter. i dun feel like eating cus i loook at food makes me feell sick and ALSO TOO MUCH EFFORT. i am having my M1 mocks tomorrow , i am not sure how i will do because i am not birlliant in physics and mechanics is basically physicss so im hoping for the best. ive already done two paperss today but i still have so much to do :(..i was feeling completely lost in chem class today as we are doing revisions now until our last day of schooll..it made me sooo depressed and just suckedd all the life i had life in me. i tried to make myself better by going to river island for some retail therapy but it didnt work cus i just came out just crummyy as i did before being tempted in.DAMN thosee pretty shoes!!

all my life i have always felt like an outsider. i guess i can get in the mood of conversations relatively easy with people but i always fail to make a connection that can reallly grab me to actually not feel distracted. maybe this is why i consider only a few people in my life as really close friends. and itss not my fault really..i hate people who are so damn fake. i seriously dislike people who are so friendly and talkative in front of me then as soon i turn my back they turn into a bitch or just flat out turn shady on me. i prefer to not have the conversation in the first place, as there is no point in trying to make a connection on superficial grounds. i'd rather be left alone than put up with "Fake friends" . i just have no energy to deal with that anymore. there are also times where i feel as though the people around me are not on the same page as me. their interest liess elsewhere and thats fine with mee as we are not all built the same way... whatver it is the show must go on and since evryones a fake anyways..the music keeps on playing on.

come and go baby :)

2008-05-07T10:50:00.000-07:00

i had my math mock todayy and it was HARD...i didnt realise the paper would be that difficult cuz i have done most of the past papers and they all seemed pretty much ok with the exception of one or two confusing questions. So, it took me by the surprise and now i think my morale has dropped from an 80 to a 30%...and to make things worse i have two more weeks to the real thing!!..goodness..i just hope it will work out for the best in the end..

things have been falling into place and in alot of ways i have GOD to thank for it. I have prayed hard for this confusion and conflict within myself . i have allowed other things/people to steer my course but now i know that this is a sign for me to just FINALLY make a decision .its all up to me. so why does it seem harder now that i am left with the ball in my hands. im not sure what im going to do yet but i know either way i will have support and love. its ironic how life drops u down a couple of feet but never fails to bring you back up again so long you accept that you are in need of help.

my brothers birthday was 2days ago. Eventhough he doesn't read my blog i would just like to say:

happy birthday ko!..i just hope that this will be a great year for you and just know you are alwayss in my heart and mind no matter how far away i am. i think you have instilled me things that i would never gained without you. im not sure how much a coincidence it is that i am going to study the same subject you studied in university and that we;re both left handed. mummy kept telling me last time that you would always be teaching me how to write when i was young cus we were both left handed.

i would like to say thank you. thank you for being an inspiration for me in my life, our age gap is ridiculously huge but we still manage to find out middle ground at timess.. your definitely the typical older brother that is extremely protectivee and authoritative-like towards me and it annoys the heck out of me sometimess but i know you do it just out of love.though some funny outcomes do occur esp when u first met darren and you were SOO cold towardss him and on hindsight it seems funny but to funny for darren.hahaa..but it all worked out in the end..i know there were timess we disagreed but we just did what familiess do best. that is to love unconditionally and forgive which i think is the true definition of family and also with sincerity and kindness.i remember you would drag me to lectures in UBd by the Brunei nature society though id complain but then get all into it after listening..HAHA and get alll excited about fooodd with me!!!,,i remember the time we went to fratinis evry single day when it was hari-raya promo!!..

all and al i would just like to say...happy birthday and may all ur hopes and dreams come true.

love loadss XoXo

it all comes down to thiss =)

2008-04-30T13:21:00.000-07:00

i have nevr been a fan of british music and i dont think i am now but some extraordinary ones do pop out..i listened to some songs from lily allen and their so catchy and makes me feel light and just wanna twirl around..hehe if i only i couldd but my rooms to small..i have a feeling i have many anti-british feelings though im staying here.hehehe..so its sort of a love and hate situation. the weather is soo ficklee!! even more fickle than mee..hehe..this morning the sun rayss were all over the place then as i was walking back from school to the house, it started raining like crazy and i got caught in the rain. it felt kind of nice though, as it wasnt too cold but brought back some childhood memoriess..ahh...summer showerss :)..

i had a really productive day and i am oh-so proud of myself..hahaha..i was reading the economist today and realised theres so much happening around the world and in there are soo many issues concerning the well-being of the world such as inventions, dilemmas, theories , conclusions and conflicts. it made me feel as though i have been in school for most of my life, i still know nothingg!! and theres soo much information left to comprehendd!!ok this may sound freaking Nerdyy but if that is the definition for Thirsttt of knowledgeee than im all for it..waahhaahhaa

i want to be the horizon that ur looking for,
catch me when im falling cus i fall too often
you make the days brighter , full of hope and awe
i see the light at the end of the tunnel,
my rainbow after the rain,
the one i scream at and hug all at oncee,
you may not understand but its ok,
cus all i need is for you to love me..

somedayss you feel like u cant stand them and wanna just runaways
there are days you wonder what the hellll just happened
and sometimes even feel likee giving up all together
but when all the dust settless..
you realise you wouldnt be the same without them...

goodness meee...its already may 1st tomorrow and i cant waittt!!traalalal~~~my brothers birthday is on may 5tthh :)

its getting old

2008-04-29T13:15:00.000-07:00

thingss are starting to feel extremely repetitive and i cant stand itt....whenever this starts to occur i start to reminisce about the good old days and i hate doing that. i loved high school in st.johns and all the laughter that i have made so now those memories are wrapped into perfection located in the centre of my heart. Sometimes it feels as though i am grieving the lost of a loved one or sumthing. now that i am nearing the end of this journey in my life, i realise the things that i have left behind 2years ago still remain the same . but it really isnt...

i just cant wait to go to the beach and just sit for agess until i cant stand the sandfly bites and blazing sun any longer.. the thingsss that make a home are usually the things that go unnoticed and definitely it hasnt proved me wrong as i can easily pin-point every detail of the things that i took for granted before. "we'll never appreciate until its gone"..its sad how this saying is so true but we never realise until it has happened..

i had such a long day today because mrs.davies decided to have extra chem after school so i stayed in school till 5..what a tiring day.i have my math mocks next week and my bio mocks the week after!! thingss are passing soo fast and in some weird wayy im EXCITED...cus i just cant wait to get it all over it and just work uber hard so i can fly back with an empty concious as i leave all my troubles back here in england...i just hope that the next time i fly, its to something i really anticipatee!!..i guess i have a good head start now as i am now familiar with the surroundings and no longer a newbie :)

im getting tired of this blog so i might switch preety soon to another service provider? i need a changeeee and i need a FREGGING holidaayyy there are so many plans up in the air that im struggling to decide..its strange how im at the cross-roads of teenager and young-adult, its quite scary but yet i cant wait..i might take up some classess when im back just to do something like maybe piano lessonss!!..i have always admired people who can play the piano really well, it just soothess me and i always wished i could playy like Crazzzeehhhh..christine was practising her grade 8 pieces in the dining hall yesterday and today and she was awesomee!!!

so i guess its back to drowning myself in books and notess!!!

2008-04-24T14:33:00.000-07:00

i cant seem to describe what exactly i feel at this moment!! .i had a major breakdown before the weekend due to some unexpected circumstances but right now im feeling much much better. i just couldnt handle the stress of everything thats accumulating and i guess i just a break from it all and when all else fails i could depend on my dude! who cheered me up though i was drowning in my own sorrow it was pretty much a dramatic episode which i shall not wnat to re-live!!..ahah.but now i know that i am never alone as i always people that care to help me through when things get rough.

we had multi-cultural week last week so we Bruneians had a presentation to do during assembly. we dressed in our baju kurung and decorated the board in the bay with pictures of brunei and information. on the last day, germany had their presentation .what really struck me about the Germans were the mounts of inventions and famous people that have come from there . for example, mercedes-benz, BMW,escada were the famous brands that have originated from germany and famous people such as mozart, bach, beethoven, steffi graff, karl lagerfield, heidi klum and boris becker were all germans!!!..my goodnesss they have a wealth of extremely talendted people! i couldnt help but think. what are we bruneians known? what have we done to make an impact in the world that we are living in. YES, we have a veyr pampered life but does it mean we should take it as easy-going as evrything else, you would think with our comfortable surrounding it would push us to do more and help more people! i mean to be fair, not many Asian countries have made a massive impact on the world with exceptions from china and singapore.

i just hope to one day be alive long enough to witness something BRUNEI has done for the world and you never know it could be any one of us.. i just am tired of being known as the rich country cause with our wealth our possibilities are endless.

slowly but surely we will get there...>_<

massivve migraines

2008-04-23T13:34:00.000-07:00

the world has decided to be a bitch to me today and struck me with this massive migraine that tempts me to pull my head right out of its socket! ok i might sound really extreme, it really isn't if you realise the pain i am in. i guess its sort of my fault that im suffering, i slept at like 1 last nite but woke up at 6 so i was pretty much a zombie today in school. ive been such a nerd lately its depressingg and to make matters worst my nerding doesnt seem to be paying off..why is life so unfair anyways? i want to crawl upp into a ball and diEEE!!!! ok enough with the complaints about my migraines. it just really hurttsss =( i have a feeling my wisdom is growing out as well..just my luck.

so time has decided to hop on the fast train and im left dangling by the way side. exams are cming up in a month and i really dont knoe what to do with myself, ive started revision but somehow the more i learn the more things i realise i dont knowww!! you would think with about 13plus years of education i would have learned from my mistakesss butt NOooo..understand my dilemma?....oh dearie..i talked to my parents today and i miss them soo much cant wait to see them in two monthsss..

i cant believe im still deciding on whether i should go to MU or not. why is it constantly bugging me. i was halfway through the application but then i got kinda freaked out. why am i so afraid of the unknown, part of me wants to just do it already but part of is seriously doubting the decision..if only i had the answerss..i mean ive been juggling this for the past two years already and still im so fickle. i depresss myself so badly at timess.....its summer and the weather has somewhat improveedd :)...it was really sunny before dinner just now so i decided to drag cathrin out into the garden where we sat in the sun then she decided to make me crown of flowerss! which turned out to be a bracelet thingy.....

and now its time for us to part
..

2008-04-22T09:21:00.000-07:00

im still waiting... evryday i pray and hope that im heard still longing to be close to you. i pray every night wondering and wishing that my prayers are heard.you came into my life and brought me into life. i hear stories of your wonder from around and i am filled with so much hope that i am not able to retain my smile. believing in you doesn't mean i have to be perfect, it does not mean i have to be strong all the time it means the total opposite actually. it means i dont have to be afraid to not be perfect or strong. i will always have you to turn to and i know with enough belief and trust i will never be disppaointed. you have made my life a well of opportunities hoping to just leap out into the light. with each passing day, i grow in wisdom and i learn to let things that hurt GO...strength that slowly but surely came. i think the fear of the unknown is bigger than the act itself but with ur awesome guidance i seem to always have my head just above water. sometimes i find myself running into you when i least expect it. thank you Lord for making my life your medium to reach. i always run back to you when im afraid and i know that i need you.

to be a christian shouldn feel like hardwork or sumthing impossible, it should feel like when you have lose your wallet and car keys but continue walking down the road knowing that along the way .. a miracle will come your way...

2008-04-16T14:55:00.000-07:00

this week has been such a hell week for me!! i have been having my chemistry mocks and it has seriously taken a toll on me. i just realised i really do not have alot of time to fully prepare for evrything which is driving me to my wits end..i really hope evrything will fall into place as i hope this one last push will follow through...

so many shyt has happened and i know i have no one to blame but myself. i have this tendency to not put the blame on people for my won mistakes because first of all i dont want anyone to ever have that control over me and i am a strong believer in that if you want someting bbadly enough then you would do evrything you can to make sure it happens and at the end of the day whether u fall or rise its through ur own actions.no one but urselff..

i never want to grow up and i hope i will stay a child inside forver. growing up is scary cus u realise that things aren't as easy as it all seems. so many decisions that have to be made!!!..last nightabout 15 of us went to nando;s for cathrins 18th birthday and it was fun just a typical dinner in nandos.gosh i think we've been there like 50 times or sumthing.i remember the first time i went to mcdonalds with ctahrin when we decided to explore bedford. we got lost at first but we made it in the end..

i hate saying goodbye to close friends.. and its ALL happening all over again!..

2008-04-14T09:10:00.000-07:00

its been a while hasn't it? :)...i just havent had much time or inspirattion to blog lately. what can i say about my easter breakk?? well it was amazing and memorable.i basially spent loads of time with darren eating,sight seeing and travelling. we went to dublin and came back in one peace which was good. we were both quite unsure about everything but everything turned out great :) dublin is such a pretty place we didnt realise evrything would be soo GREEN not as in treess green but clothes shops and food? were green apparently its the national colour so yeah it was great cus darren and i are green fanatics so it wass EXCITING :)... something freaky happened at the immigration though when i showed my passport the guy didnt know where bbrunei wa sna dhe asked for my visa and i said i didnt need one and he said yes i DID!! ...and i was like nooo...then he looked annoyed whereas i was fraking out maybe even gone a lil pale? then he called his supervisor which told him i didnt need one..phew* i just imagined me having to fly all the way to london :( sniff sniff.. it was good exploring the city with darren, its good that we have really good stamina cus we basically walked for ages and ages until we didnt know where we were...so luckily for us right in the centre of dublin theres a longggg river which leads back to the center so we just walked along it and finally found our way agen :0..ahaha...

we also met some realy nice people during the holidays while we were playing badminton at the courts, theres about 10-12 of them and 6 of them live in this big house together. there's this one girl May who's such an amazing cook..she freaking made wan ton soup from scratch , darren and i were so amzed and we kept hanging out with each other and i even went shopping with the girls one day like 5 of us..such nice people reallyy...their all realy friendly and feels like family when ur with them. their a couple years older so mayb they have the older bro and sis complex and oh yess!!! they all TEAS and SALMON!!..hahaha...they have like a range of teass that they introduced to me and may even gave me some ginseng tea which was so sweet....we actually had salmon sashimi with rice few times and it was soo gooddd :)...they even bought the ikura(salmon eggs) from japan centre and wasabi..huhuh..:P...there was one night darren had to cook chicken curry for the house and he was so nervous..well we were both nervous i mean we are frekaing amatures compared to them!!..ahahha..so yeah darren cooked and added stuff while i stirred..finally everyone loved it and the whole pot was EMPTY...hahaha..shockingly enough...

oh yeah..darrens birthday was a few days ago :) and the group and i brought darren to this chinese resto the night before and had hot pot thingy...its basicall like steam boat but only differrent!! they had a spicy side aand an ok tasting side..the night was filled with laughters , FOOD and yellow EGGS hat each of us took pictures with..hehe..the next day darren and i went to london and we finally ate this place called belgio? somewhere in covent garden and the lamb was freaking GOODD , it was incredibleee and some prawn thingy which i am not able to describe , it was jst GGood..heheh .i had mussels cus that was the house specialty but i was secretly envyin darrens lamb thingy..hehe which he gave to me later...ahhahaa
it was a really sweet dayy ..just walking around like retards and talking non-stop, i have no idea why but no matter how much time i spend with him, we never run out of topics to talk about and even when we do talk about the same thing over and over again , it nevr gets old..i just am so happy that hes here with me...we also have this tendency to keep talking about what we're going to do when we're back in brunei!!..donno why :P

oh yeah...it cathrine's birthday on saturday not the german but the one from HK..and the group agaen went to a chinese resto somewhere else and we sang karaoke!!.aahha it was hilarious..i mean i never claimed to be a really good singer but everyone just sang no matter how retarded we sounded we were basicallyyy were screaming our lungss out!!!...sam and i even dared to sing the celine dion and christina aquilera songsss!!! which turned out DAmnn funnyy:P...and and..tomorrows cathrins( the german) 18th birthday and we're all going to nando'ss tomorroe night for dinner and tonight at 12 we're probably going to her room to surprise her..one last time baby :(...cant believe the IB girls only have one more month left and i have exactly 2months and 1 week left ..how scary is taht? on the other hand, i just cant wait to get back home...

well this post lasted longer than expected..but yeah im back in school now and trying to get my asss to study like a retardd so i can get the grades..:P..

2008-03-11T11:29:00.000-07:00

i cant wait to have that defining moment, the girl in the tourist pictures and tourist-like poses!!..i want to look back and realise there i have trekked the many treks and that theres no where left to go but home. i love the moment that i am in, the person that im becoming, the more independent and content ME...i never REGRET and have never regretted anything that i have done. those who i have lost along the way were due to their own misfortunes, they couldnt see..I couldnt see what i was capable of. and now here i am waiting for that moment.waiting as time trickles on without fail. i feel so inspired today, enough for me to take up a new language and dip my feet into something so out of my comfort zone. i can handle everything that comes my way and even when i cant its ok too :)..remember our younger years where we sit thinking about how our future might turn out ..our innocence could not have imagined our bigger picture. i want to stand on my own two feet!!

2008-03-10T14:56:00.000-07:00

hi ,my name is vanessa and im addicted to waffles!

hi vanessaa .........

few more days baby and il be in london...wahha..cant wait for it to begin..we are expecting hurricane winds in the coming days which makes my walks to school jst a little bit more annoying, today it started raining and the wind kept on blowing so it made my face froze, fingers numb and made me soak like a wet rag..it was a very bad start to my week..but im good now cus im in the comforts of my warm and dry room . we had elections today for school officer, i wasnt too bothered about it but i had to go vote for izzati who's hoping to get chosen and i think we bruneians should stick together and support one another :)..hehe

i heard the news about 7 people being burnt alive in the house in front on st.johns and it really made me sad. i hope the lady who jumped out will be able to walk again though they said her chances are slim. i cant believe something that devastating happened right in front of my old school..i mean of course there are even worse things that has happened in the world but something so close to home just makes me even scarier..i just pray that their souls will rest in peace..and hope that their family members will be comforted by people that they love.

i miss u mummy and papa!

2008-03-09T14:03:00.000-07:00

there are things i wish i could say..
but i cant..
im sorry i have fallen.
feeling completely broken..
wont u come and save me..
just like once u did before..

2008-03-06T14:35:00.000-08:00

thank you god!!!!....today has been an extremely eventful day and im sooo happyy!!!..well i was abruptly awoken again this morningg at 545 am by veetag and it was a good surprise..ahahah...thingss in life doesnt always turn out the way that you had hoped but having people that loves and cares enough about you almost makes me easier to deal with. im grateful to have people like that around me and to know that i dont need to fake it or act strong when i know that i cant. being able to be open and vulnerable. vulnerability is a bitch and i know the feeling all to well and in a lot of ways it has turned me into the person i am today. being hurt by someone u love usually does that.

anyways,..i got my results back today and i received all A grades for my papers.. THANK GOD.i was so worried about it this morning and was praying so hard because i really didnt want to resit any papers.i was so relieved that i couldnt contain my excitement. it just made me feel as though evrything ive been doing for the past months has been worth it because i kinda regretted not coming back last december to spend christmas at home. so i grudgingly opted to stay in the UK and nowwwww im just glad it all turned out for the best...i really believe that with hard work we will definitely reap the benefits of it one day!!!..all i have to do now is work harder in the coming months and go back to brunei witth a load off my back eventhough il be panicking on results day in summer. hehe but thats a whole other blog on another day :)...life tries to take me by surprise and usually has me by the throat, life isnt perfect and i know that but i just always try to keep things positive and stop complaining about things that i cant change and things that has already happen. whenver you feel u cant go on just push yourself forward and hope for a better tomorrow.

im tired of making excuses for my feelings and just want to let it all hang out....i talked to my mummy just now and she was happy cus i was feeling happy, shes already talking about our summer plans with my sisters engagement and our trip to thailand...i thank god everyday for the things that i have in life as i try to be as grateful as i can because at any moment it could all jst disappear.

2008-03-05T08:52:00.000-08:00

...all smiless today except i slept at 2 last night and i was a really blur girl today in school =)..i took the wrong school skirt from the laundry room today and realised my skirt was weirdly oversizedd then as i went to cathrins room ready to go to school, she goes like thats NOT your skirttt!!! so i walked down to the laundry room and i realised i grabbed the wrong one!!hehee...
yesterday morning..when cathrin and i left the house it started to snow and everything looked quite pretty , it only lasted for an hour but it was pretty while it lasted...

mood: happy :)...cant wait for the holidayss..my bubble doesnt need to burst JUST YEt >_<...resultss day is tomorrow and everyone is silently panicking about it , all im hoping is that i get the grades so that i dont have to resit any papers, cus it will annoy the heck out of me!!..i attended a talk in school yesterday by this man who wrote books decribing shakespeare stories translated into films , the differences between theatre and film directorial tricks. one thing that stuck was that films leave very little to the imagination as the director has complete control over what the audiences focuses on whereas in theatre we tend to have our own interpretation of the scenes as there is so much going on that one can focus on what they prefer... i don't really know much about the shakespeare because i dont really have any interest in english literature!!!..but i just found that the movie 10 things i hate about you was inspired by shakespeares story 'taming of the shrew'...hehe...oh well... this friday is world book day meaning its mufti day, we have to come into school dressed as characters from books..6th formers dont usually take part but just come in jeans or something but cathrin and i decided we would try to dress up as something!!..but we're not sure what yet!!..its for charity anyways..hehe... smile because u are happy!! creating an aura around that exudes, reflecting positive energy in and out!!..:-)

2008-03-03T15:21:00.000-08:00

we're expecting snow tonight and i feel like im back at the beginning...

the old record continues on playing,
it has lost its tune and beauty,
but i lay here listening to it slowly,
my heart remembers,
my mind slowly wonders,
repeating its silly melodies,
when i thought i'd forgotten,
i want to be some where far away,
far enough to sail away,
forget where ive been,
to begin and stop hurting...
your the song that keeps on playing..

i think out of all the places ive been for the past two years, i think the place i loved the most was New York.I fell in love with the city and everything about it even the hustle and bustle of time square for some reason it doesnt feel as clusterphobic as london...i wish i could live there for awhile just to sink into the culture and the beat of the city. sometimes i feel like im running away from things and i cant stay still. im desperate to let go and to forget. i dont want to be haunted by my memories.
this is definitely one of those days...

2008-02-25T13:39:00.000-08:00

its annoying how i feel as though i have so much free time when i really dont..the human is a remarkable thing peoplee!!hahaa..

i was awoken this morning by my insanely loud telephone ring only to be greeted by VEENASH!!hahaa(my goodness..VEETASH = MONASH !! coincidence?hahaha) promise im not retarded..hahaha,..okie yeah anywyas had a long conversation with her about thingss and as always its great catching up with that girl cus no matter how far we are from each other and how much we think we've changed somethings REALLY dont change and i am so grateful for that. well i had a long day in school today. did i mention how school food realy sucks? i gues compared to public schools , my school serves much more healthier and tastier food but sometimes i just get so sick of pasta , cheeese and failed attempts to cook asian food. its abit stressful cus sometimes i would just crave kueh tiaw or nasi lemak or chicken rice aand even murtabak but then i have to wait until my next trip to london to get some..hehe..maybe i have unconciously decided to study in london because of the Food??..wahahha..ok im in a really strange mood tonight so please indulge me..

we had a fire drill today in school and im still not sure whether it was a real one or a pratice one because even the people in the swimming pool had to evacuate the building!! i felt so sorry for them i mean i was freezing my butt off on the playground eventhough i was fully clothed and dry!! so i could only imagine how the were feeling..so kesian!!hehe..... i talked to my mummy today and i just realised il be home for her birthday and brandons birthday which is AWESOME!! im so thrilled about that cus i miss spending special moments with the family. i gues thats the hardest bit about moving away to accomplish our higher education, is missing out on home moments which seemed so insignificant before i left but now its the thing i miss the most. i guess almost everyone will feel or has already felt this feeling . in a way it makes you much more tolerant and grateful person which also means you've matured. its scary how things just fall into place when we lest expect it.

cathrin and i had a conversation today during breakfast about designer bags and travelling and we both agreed that we'd give up designer bags in a heart beat for travelling. we were just making fun of some designer bags that looks damn ugly but then cost a fortune!!i told her i thought travelling to places is something everyone should try and do because it
makes you more aware and less ignorant of the world around , it also creates a sense of confidence and independence that one can gain when they go at it alone. my dream destination for now is Egypt!!..and of course BRUNeI =)

2008-02-24T11:46:00.000-08:00

i feell so sore.i played tennis with darren and ken on saturday from like 6 till 8.30. we played at the next generation sports club and apparently its the largest sports club in europe or sumthing like that.the tennis courts were pretty amazing it had carpeted floor and there were first floor tennis courts as well. i was kind of nervous playing cus i havent played in months but luckily after some missed and awkward shots i managed to get the feel back except when darren made me laugh by making stupid jokes about my shots..i played matches against darren and ken.i lost to darren but then i won against ken which was shocking and i think it kinda ticked him off a little maybe cus i was a girl..ahha. who knowss.. i didnt feel tired at all but now im paying the price of playing 2hours straight cus my whole body is aching like a retard. darren kept making me laugh this morning and i laughed like someone whoss having an asthma attack cuz my ribs hurt too much when i laugh..eheh

we watched heroes for the whole weekend..heroes is sooo cooll..i didnt realise how good it was. its soo shocking and exciting at the same time. i highly recommend it to evryone , its sort of like X-men but way more cooler and bit more realistic.if that makes sense?..if i could be any one of the heroes id probably choose hiro or peter petrelli..HES SO COOOLL!!!or just be mohinder suresh cus hes so smart!!! i wana be a geneticist too!!..ahhaha..tomorow is the start of a new again and i cant wait..
i received my offer from UCL few days ago and its AAB..i didn really like UCL when i visited it maybe cus they were not very hospitable..i dunnoo but im glad they offered me sumthing =)..but i tnk ive made up my mind already.huhuhu...soon i will starting my my next phase which is UNI life..its going to be extremely stressful but i hope i enjoy it along the way as well..cus after this il be stuck in a job for 10years and have to even more responsible!!!..scaryy...i was thinking about uni that day and i all of a sudden blurted out to clarie and jlo about how i cant wait to graduate. as in i cant to walk across the stage and receive my degree..we promised each other that we'd try to attend each others graduations.hehe,.hopefullyY!! i really hopeee i'll reach that stage one dayy ... pleaseee lord..:)

im quite excited and freaked out thinking about my easter holidays which will be coming up in 3weeks time..im freaked out because it means my exams are getting extremely close and im not prepared for them and also it means im getting closer to leaving this school and boarding house which i have grown to love especially the people i have been living with.i shall miss the laughters and room visits..on the other hand, im quite excited for my holidays because i will be spending time with my lovee and also going to Dublin!!!.it was sort of like a last minute thing but then i decided to make it a bitrhday gift for him..hehe..i did some research about it and it looks pretty =)..thank goodness for England being extremely well located in europe and also low-fare airlines that makes everything even more convenient...i was suppose to go back home this easter but then i think its not such a good idea which is why ive decided to rough it out and make it a whole year until i reach home again..darren kept making such LAME jokess few days agoo and i thought he fitted perfectly with my bruneian frens here.i dunno why but my bruneian friends here are sooo lame..we always make fun of each other. hhehe ..i have a friend that keeps relating evrything to math and we're like LAME EH!!!...we are experts at being lame and its even sadder even when we're not trying to be lame....we SAY LAME THINGSS!!..huhuh :)

i want my live life to the fullest,
i want to travel the world and open myself to every possibility.

2008-02-20T09:01:00.000-08:00

anyways i just came back from school. it has been a pretty mellow day, its really cold today eventhough spring is closely approaching.UK weather ceases to amaze me!! ive been here for almost two years and i still cant describe weather here. i stare with complete bewilderment when someone ask me " so hows the weather like?" ...its UK...what do you think?pfftt!!

we entered the world completely untouched and happiness that was infectious it made evryone around smile too. what happened to our innocence? it got replaced by self-doubt and confusion . sometimes i wonder what is the poiint in all of this. we go through life wwaiting to die!! we are all so vulnerable and supcetible to pain in whatver form it might come. i'd like to believe that one day when this is all over, i'll be standing in front of HIM and say..here i am, broken and bruised.am i worthy to enter? then he will say... everyone is worthy to enter but only through pain and sadness can one truly understand and appreciate immense love so come back to me and now your life can finally begin.

im not trying to be philosophical or anything but i just would like to believe that my life has more meaning than this. this allows me to wake up in the morning without going " damn, another fucking Day to go through!!"

yes i am a christian and i believe in GOD. does it make me a fool? i believe without seeing and i dont have the need to want to see anything. everyday i hope to feel for his presence around and i most of the time i do. i find it way easier to have hope in something than having nothing to look forward to.its about 6:30 and the full moon is staring straight at me as i look out my window...

2008-02-18T14:13:00.000-08:00

maybe if i scream loud enough i'll start to make sense out of all thiss!!

im back in school after having a really good breakk =)...it was a weell needed rest from everything. in a way im glad im back here because i missed my little room that feels cosy-ed up with all my pictures and the disarray of my clothes,books and shoes all around.i basically got told off twice this term for leaving my room in such a mess..haha..luckily they were really nice about it and just asked me to try to be alittle tidier...im not a slob its just that compared to some people here who are domestic goddesses i definitely fall by the way side. i have three till my finals and its scaring the crap out of me. i basically have a month for each subject which in theory should be something i can manage.

veenah called me this morning and it was good hearing a familiar voice. come to think of it shes the only one thats ever placed the effort in contacting me for the past two years. im just glad shes doing good in melbourne and slowly settling in..love you veetash!!...hope everything will turn out amazingggg and that you'll learn to love it there. HUGSSS...

today was pretty much boring .....i miss darren already!!! >_<...my sister called me today and shes asking me to visit her during my easter holidays but then im planning to go to barcelona with few of my friends during that time...not too sure what im going to do just yet because i cant think of anything right now..i just want to get my exams over and done with so i can fly back home to brunei =) darren and i already made a whole list of things to do when we're back and im most probably having a family trip to thailand and i really cant wait for that because its been ages since ive been on a family trip with ALL my family members so i hpe that happens.....nyaks nyaks.. my sis and i were going through some accomodation choices offered by imperial and theres one i really lovee!!! just because of the location!!!..its like a minute walk from portabello market and notting hill gate which is perfect!!! im in love with portabello..and the accomodation isnt too pricy..my sis is soo good at this , i mean i was like staring at the accomodation list for days and freaking out over how seriously expensive some of them were then out of the blue she calls and then flip through the imperial websitee then few mins later she locates the perfect one!!how does she do thatt???..she'll most probably be doing her masters in warwrick which means she'll be accompanying me during my first year which is great it'll be good to have her here with me..we're already planning our weekendsss and our travelss through europe..:)... please tell me theres more to thiss... tell me that its not all a waste... tell me that its all worth it...

2008-02-09T13:35:00.000-08:00

life is a long and winding journey =)

im in london now and im feeling like im drowning. im not sure if its a good or bad thing..i received my offer from warwick university for biomedical science today!! YAY :).. now i have all the offers i was hoping to receieve..AMEN!!...itss quite amazing reallyy..never would have thought it would happen in a million years. anyways zati zazi mimi man and i went to portabello market today and it was soo cooll.i love that place , they sold so many antiques, jewellery,clothes and food..it was interestiing walking around in that seriously crowded place. zati and i kept saying..KANCANG BUII...apparently it means tight man!! in poklan vocab!!hahaha..anywyas it was hilarious...then darren called me and he told me about sumthing that happened during his open house..it was really funny but i felt so mean that i laughed i think i would've died if it happened to me..hahaha

anyways..i cant wait for monday cus darrens arriving early in the morning..huhuh :)..im listening to plain white T's shine and let me take you there..they are such cooll songs so whenevr you have the time just ccheck it out..slightly missing home right now...5months more baby!!!...hahaha wawawa...life is going as planned as of now but there are still things that i still need to make right and at least its on itss way...im on holiday mode right now which means loads of sleep and eating waffles!! we went waffle hunting last night and the waffles i had were fREAKing amazingg!!! ..shytt i wanna have another one but its such a calorie BOMB!!..hahah....LAMPUH BUI!!!...hahahahahaha...

2008-02-07T11:01:00.000-08:00

happy new year people..hehe..wishng all of you the best of luck in 2008. i wasn;t planning to do anything for new years eve but then like last night zati called me up and was like .ok dinner with the bruneian people at 6.30!! eric organiseD for bruneians!!..yeah it was like 5.30 at that time. it was funy cus it was 8 of us in this mongolian resto which had a really weird menu....cus they didnt have any main courses?..we were so confused cus the boys forgot to mention it was a buffet only resto..and we had to be the one that picked out what we wanted to be cooked.. basically each of us had a bowl and we could choose from a range of raw meat what we wanted and then the sauces and then vegetables and even the oill..dump it in this boil and they'll cook it for you. the chef just dumped whatver was in my bowl which by the way was completely random..onto this huGE wok thing..ok just imagine a big round table BUT the whole table is the cooking pan..yeah it was really interesting!! it was a seriously funny night with jokes and laughter....

i am sooo sick of schooll right now that i can't wait for the holidayss. i am so thankful tomororw is the start of the half-term hols because i dont think i can last another week cus ive been bored since last weekend...i just need time to rejuvenate myself.i guess it'll be london againnn..and i really cant wait for darren to come back im so bored without him here..he tends to always make things interesting and funny..its been way way too long!!..

i have seriously nothing to say...except i gave up all sweet foods such as CAKES,chocolates and cookies except for waffles for lent..

2008-02-05T14:55:00.000-08:00

some of us walk around with a broken heart and never find our way back to love.
some of us walk around so afraid to love that we'll never feel true love.
some of us take for granted the love they have only to miss it when its gone.
some of us build up a wall to make us believe that they dont need love.
some of us still hold onto the past never really getting over their first lost love.
some of us are desperate for love, grabbing hold at even the slightest sign of it.
some of us..take our time, evaluate and realise that with the great blessing of love comes the hardest bit which is sustaining it into something that last and appreciate it no matter how flawed it may seem.
just because someone doesnt love you the way that you hope to be loved doesn't mean they dont.
to love and be loved is not impossible.it is not held by those who deserve it but it is something out for the taking only to those who are able to realise that it will not always be perfect and will not be the thing that makes you feel complete.

some of us walk around looking for love, when the only thing they lack is self-love.

2008-02-05T11:40:00.000-08:00

painting on red nail polish =) thats the extent of my CNY celebrations!!hehe i have absolutely no mood for CNY that im just going to let it pass without any worries i mean the whole point of CNY celebrations is the fact that you can eat good home cooked food, fun with the family anf friends and receive money either through ur winnings or red packets. fun all the same but since im not going to have any of that there isnt a point now is there?..im not bitter =P

anyways had a a long conversation with my parents yday and it was fun..i misss my mum..she was asking me if i was eating enough then i said nooo mum im starving mysellfF!!hahaha..and she was like..THIS GIrll AHH!!!..hehehe..my family is having a little dinner thing for my dad's bday and also CNY so i hope they'll enjoy itt...my mum actually booked me two jars of ACAR so i can still have them when i get back cus she knows i REALLY love them..soo sweet of her and shes getting darren to bring me some of my favourite cereal cookie thingy...happpyy :)...im even happier now cus my half term holss are starting in a weekk which meanss darren will be coming back soonn and that zati,felicia and the rest of them will be even closer to having our haagendaazs WAFFLESS and apple crumbleE in london!! we've been counting down..haha..so fuunny..i feel so bruneian when im with them in school like we sit on the flooor and talk about brunei with our brunei slangg with the "apa kan???""..sialan"""...pokoknya""..hahah..and yes ive managed to learn to incooperate these words in my sentences without sounding too awkward thanks to Zati!!hahaha..
and shes always telling me the latest brunei
gossipp..hehe..and we always advertise brunei to ur freinds saying its a land of unexpected treasures and WE Are the TREasures...^_^ APAKANN?????? theiir my like lil bruneian sisters that just makes my days so much more interesting..huhuh

last weekend i was down in london attending the imperial open day..it wass great and i really liked the lecturers. overall, it sounded like a really good place to study.now i just have to visit some other unis to make a final decision. i had korean food with clarie,jlo and vivi that saturday night in china town and it was so exciting cus it was the first time i had it :)...then straight after that we went to the hongkong cafe to drink teh c and jlo ordered some fried chicken thingYY,OMG we were sooo full not even funnyy...but it was fun cus it was a night out with the girlyss..then the next day we went back to bedford together where our feet were killing uss..

anyways happy new year everybody...and i hope you will have lotsa luck and wealth coming your way for thiss year!!!...
gong xi fa cai?

2008-02-03T12:11:00.000-08:00

my DAD...MY papa ..my pillar of strength. my dad's birthday is on 5th February!! i miss him so much and i wish i could be there with him on his birthday. i love my papa, hes they type of man that doesnt say much but u know he has the worries of the world in his eyes. i am so thankful to have such a great dad.. i guess the relationship my dad and i have is sort of unique..i know he always sees me as the 12 year of girl complaining on why i have to attend taekwondo classes though i was GIRL and thought the training was HORRIBLE!!!..hehe...my papa is a great man and he truly is..he built himself up from nothing just by his own self determination and motivation.He never depended on anyone else for his successes it was either he would make it or he wouldn't. in a way, my dad sees life black and white without any distractions or useless worries. and he always says if u want something u have to go and get it yourself. Even his first breathe in this world was a struggle and one which he survived.

well of course, a man is never an island on his own which is why he always says that his family is his best accomplishment and that if everyone was happy and healthy he couldnt feel more content. everytime i think about him i start to tear up and miss him....

i remember during my GCE english orals and the person asked me who was the person i admired the most..i answered my father and explained why..i forgot what i said but all i remember was starting to have tears in my eyess!! OMGG..they must've thought that i was some sort of psychopath and i tot i definitely failed my english oral..aaha but luckily i didnt :)..
i also remember when i was 9 , my dad would always bring me swimming and one day he asked me to swim across the deep end!!! i was terrified and i was glued to the ladder thing for like 15mins he kept trying to persuade me to do it but i was so scared so finally he came and i held tight onto his neck and we swam together..then we would after that always go to the video store in BSRC and rent tapes together. he would always rent some random kung fu movies and il be there picking out movies like my lil princess and timberwood lands =)
And every afternoon around 2.30 my mum would boil water and have tea with my dad and i would come along with my big mug pouring tea and adding loads of milk..hehe..while listening to my mum and dad chattering away ..i think thats how i got addicted to tea!!..hehe..then by 4 oclock i would follow my dad to the club where he would play golf and il be playing tennis then at around 630 il be sitting at the car park waiting for my dad to come with his buddies then drive back home together and sometimes even singing his oldies songs or my simple plan cDS( well he wouldnt sing to them but maybe lower the volume down when i play it too loud) >_<

everyday i count my blessingss especially for the presence of my family.....when everything and everyone else disappoints at least i know i have some where to go back to.

2008-02-01T12:11:00.000-08:00

i never claimed to be perfect and you knew that..
never promised you sunshine everyday...
i lay awake thinking of you..wondering if ur thinking of me too..
the words i wish u could hear..
im on the floor waiting for you to pick me up..
my pride and heart collides constantly,...
im thinking ..im wondering..im hopingg...
i wanna keep u forever until the end...
we may not be perfect but we dont need to be,,
we dont have to be a hallmark card..
just us...without any exteriorss...
just the beating of two heartss simultaneously..
please hold on...dont let goo..
my one chance at happinesss..
i dont want you to be door that i was too afraid to open!
never claimed to be a poet..
just a girl forming silly sentences <3

when i hug you.... =)

2008-01-30T14:40:00.000-08:00

and i said..Whaa????..>_<

happy birthday clarie! claries turns 19 today!! hehe.. yday after school cathrin and i went to town to get a cake,card and a present for clarie since it was her birthday!! we were suppose to just bring the cake at midnight then eat it but then antonia and cathy wanted to join in the fun so they made congee with their rice cookerss!!haha..so cathrin,j.lo,antonia,kimy,jojo,joyce,kiko,cathy and i surprised her at like 12 then we had a mini birthday party tilll 1 plus..everyone was like sooo sleeppy but i became so hyper i couldnt sleep for awhile after that. then just now for dinner we had chinese takeaway!! yum-o!!..my dads birthdays next week and i miss him soo much!!..u just cannot believe !!..

hrmm..i didnt do much today just same old schooll..

there are things i said i wish to take back,
i didnt mean for it to get so out of whack,
my life is nothing but black,
feels like im a big ugly sack,
sometimes i wanna give myself a smack!!

" come girls, its monday morning think positive!!!"....
louisa replies " ITS monday!!!...positive thinking is for WEDnesday"

im gonna go catch some ZZZZzzzzzzZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.................(=_=)

2008-01-28T13:55:00.000-08:00

i miss the sand between my toes and the water sweeeping pass my feet...

anywayss..ive been in such random moods lately its starting to wear me down. there are things that ive done im not proud of and if i had the chance to do it all again im almost certain that i would change those moments. but what is there left to do now? somethings are already broken beyond repair and some have lost its will power and it all comes down to me!..why do i do this?..why cant i accept good things that come my way..i tend to question its motives and why it had to happen..when did i become so skeptical of the world? once uve been burned its hard to forget the pain..though the memory of the pain may disappear the scars are still left behind.

sometimes i cant deal with my own self..this teenage angst within me is getting really annoying cus all i want to do is to shut it out and forgET EVERYTHing!!! why cant i forget??? just when i think im free it creeps back up on me and takes me by surprise..oh how i hate u..i hate what uve done to me...are u happy now?

but then again...i cant give you the feeling that u still have power over me..because u Dont.and i refuse u to have any..its my life and i can take control of it..it may have been insignificant to you but right now i really dunt care anymore..enough have been said..

DAMN...i think im turning into a schizo!!!!

on a brighter note !!! =P...

"i really do not think that i have already won it, the one thing i do however is to forget what is behind me and do my best to reach what is ahead.So i run straight towards the goal in order to win the prize, which is God's call through Christ Jesus to the life above."

i hope barack obama wins the election. i am hoping that with his victory that segregation within communities due to racial backgorunds will start to diminish. i mean it is impossible to stop it completely but maybe there will be some ray of hope for those who feel they are unfairly treated just because they are a minority in the society. we are all human beings who deserves a voice that can be heard. whether we like it or not, america will have a great impact on our life as it is one of the dominant forces today. i just hope they wont be fucking stupid and elect someone
like george bush again!! i mean he may have thought he was doing the right thing but i think weighing the pros and the cons i would think SAVing lives would be top priority and not sacrificing more! its ridiculous how many more lives continued on dying after 9/11. what did the after math of 9/11 teach us as youths of the world?..REVENGE IS SWEET? though its depressing to realise that, it is true. with all those brilliant minds in congress im sure a better solution would've have been made if only he didnt have the need to protect his ego.

i miss u!

2008-01-25T10:30:00.000-08:00

are u kidding me?? for reall??? SOMEONE slap mee or just pinch me pleASe.!!!

i had the most amazing day today...something i cant even begin to decribe..hehe..well first off we had a really funny 6th from assembly done by mr.griffiths =) talking about whatto expect about firs week of uni..such as money matters and chat up lines that we might come acrosss..

so he suggested these:
1. when they created the alphabets they shouldve placed u and i together!!!
mr.griffiths response "girls, just give him a good slap"

2.are u parents aliens? cus theres nothing like u in this world!
mr. griffiths response "Girls, just sweep this guy off!! cus its obvious he is mentally ill"

3.Finally, Can i please stare at u for 10 seconds? so that i can remember u in my dreams!!
mr.griffiths response " Girls,...RUNN!!!!"

well anyways it was a good start of the day with much laughter, then fiona and i went into the computer rooms to check our mails..then i saw that i had received from an email from imperial college london!!! i was a mess because i thought they were telling me that they hated me and now they are rejecting me!!!

BUT..when i opened the mail, it said.we are pleased to inform you that you have been given an offer to do Biology!!!...i stopped reading there because all of a sudden i lost control over my own body and started crying and screaming and jumppingg.!!! and all this while fiona was staring at me with a big GRin =)...then she gave me a big hug!!hehehe..i wass soo eCstatic!!! i couldnt keep still so i msged the peepps that just had to knw right a way!!!..ehehe..ohh my goooddNESS..have u ever had that feeling where u werent really sure if the decisions you've made in your life were the right ones? and if all the hard work and pain staking moments of frustration was all worth it..at that VERY moment everything seemed so much clearer and i didnt have anymore regrets of what i did in the past because any sacrifice that was made HAD to be made in order for me to get to this point!! all i could do was cry and thank GOD with sincerity and with massive gratitude! just 2 years ago, going into university was a big blur for me..but now its here and im like WTH!!!...i got an offer from the 5th ranked university in the world...i mean...DONT WE HAVE AN AMAZING GOD? that works in mysterious ways ,planning our livess bigger than we can evr hope ..now just as long as i reach the requirment needed il get in..please pleasee =(..i have one foot in but now i need the other too..>_<
im not trying to brag or anything because i want as many people to experience what i experienced..which was finally getting the benefits of hardwork!..i want everyone in their lifetime to have that feeling in whatever form or shape....muakz and this is my blog so im sharing the highlights of my life..hehe

2008-01-23T13:29:00.000-08:00

A passage from philippians chapter 2

"shining as lights in the world"

so then, dear friends, as you always obeyed me when i was with you,it is even more importhat that you obey me now while i am away from you.Keep on working with fear and trembling to complete your salvation, because GOD is always at work in to make you willing and able to obey his own purpose.
Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may be innocent and pure as God's perfect children, who live in a world of corrupt and sinful people. You must shine among them like stars lighthing up the sky, as you offer them message of life.If you do so, i shall have reason to be proud of you on the Day of Christ, because it wil show that all my effort and work have not been wasted.Perhaps my life's blood is to be poured out like an offering on the sacrifice that your faith offers to GOD . If that is so.I am glad and share my joy with you all. In the same way, you must too be glad and share your joy with me.

2008-01-21T14:39:00.000-08:00

sometimes im amazed at my own concentration because on some days it can last for hours without me realising it but there are days just like today where my mind refuses to stay focus and concentrate on more pending issues like my exam coming this wednesday. there has been a constant nagging feeeling in my head since i had that dream last night. i have no idea why i had that dream but all i know is that its been affecting me since the moment i woke up. i hate this feeling right now so hopeless and doubtful , all i want is to shut it out but i cant. i dont want to be this person anymore.

we had an assembly today and it was about LIFE...there are people that spells life in this way lIfe with a capital I!! which means evrything has to revolve around them and its always..ME, me and ME!! and there are some people who spells it lIFe..with a big IF!! if only life was like this...if only i had this..if only i was that smart..these people usually have alot of complaints and usually live life with alot of regrets then there somes the people that spell it like this LIfE...with a big LIE!! these people live a fake life and is never living life with truth because as humans we are surrounded my lies for example..BUY this and u will be beautiful and USE this to be cool or whatver...and finally some people live life with a big L...in Life which means they are always learning...taking life as a test run but never taking responsibility over their actions...they always say things like...wellll nobodys perfect and oh well u nevr can tell with things like this..always prepared with another excuse..

it was pretty interesting assembly and it gave us Food for thought for today!!..hehe...happy birthday anna banana!!1 it was fun talking to you and veenah cus it felt as if i was there with u guys too...we're still laughing over the most randomest things just like back in st.johns..so i would just like to say...

to annalene...we've been friends for as long as i could remember..my best friend since primary 2..i remember seeing u for the first time in teacher josephines house for tuition..we were so youngg and small..us waiting at the balcony for our tranport to come..and then seeing u in st.johns and recognising u..we were like so obsessed with spice girls that u always gave me sooo many posters of them which i loved..u were even there when i had my very first puppy-love crush.. =)..i tink we went to the same tuition from primary 2 all the way to form 5..and have gone through soo much together,,,u were there during the happiest and saddest of times..never failing to give me a hand..i truly treat u like a sister and in every relationship there will be ups and downs but no matter what u are engraved in my heart...i remember our coinbox sessions and veenahs mum apparently falling down when she was gardening???..hahaa..i cant forget party planning with u veenah and charm and how it would always be such a big deal!! and all our sleepoverSS!!! ahh they were always fun and full of junk foodd!!...we even made a list of who our future husbands might be though mine dont really count anymore so no tiffany bracelets for u guys but i think VEENAHS one still has a possibility..hahaha..we had the same haircut when we were younger and our plans to actually live by the beach and be surfer chicks living in huts like BLue crush!!...

to charmm. HAPPY birthday =)..how can we forget JOEY!!!hahaha...we became really close when we pri 6 due to spice girls and our random dance sessions in your house and esp one with ur dresses and living room!!OMGGG withh BRown eyes just there...and we started hiding behind the couch ..i dont know what the heck we were doing but it was sooo funny...and me trying to cut ur fringe thinking i was such an expert when it turned out soo BAD cus i cut it too short which forced u to use a clip for the next few weekss...i remember picking up shells on the beach with u ..im still not sure why we were so excited over it!! as we kept screaming APA ni???.we have had loads of embarasssing momentss such a our spice girl routines which we actually performed OMGG and even when werent suppose to just like variety night where we stood on our chairs..i mean we must've been the most craziest and confident 12 year olds there ever was in sT>johnss cus we really didnt give a damn just as long we were having a good laugh =)..i love our bandar trips with the other 2 retards,,,cus we always end up doing stupid thingss..like getting our pictures taken and setting off the security alarm!!! i mean WTH!!! its only when im with u guys things like that happen =P...and of course what would our teen years be without boy drama!!!...always one to tell us the latest gossip and new and up coming coupless!!ahhaa...anywyas all and all we've been thru alot and i miss u like hell and wishing we werent all so far apart....

VEEnah...i know its not ur bday but the hell right??...i misss you TTOOO!!..ahaha...evrytime i talk to you u always make me laugh like a retard and i feel as though ive always have a friend in u..eventhough im like 3000 miles away from u when im tears or in pain ur still the one i come running to..hahaa..sorry for being such a bother..i know i should get a lifee but sometimes i just need someone who truly understandss and i know that person is u...time and time again i seek comfort from you when im tears cus i know that ur a place without judgement...uve had my back and hopefully i had yours too.....when i tink about our memories they just flood through me cus theres so many..ur always accompanying me when i need to go panaga and we'd basically freak over "U know WHO!!" and most certainly runaway from her as far as possible.it still makes me laugh thinking about why u were so afraid TOO??..ahahha...anyways...our serious FAT FEAST!!! with my double cheeeseburger and ur SUBmarinee!!!...ahaha..those were the days...where we ate whatver we wanted not caring about a calorie!! =)...

anyways....thanks guyss for making my teen years what it was cus it would've been so pointless if we didnt have our piggy-back competitions and seriously Loud laughters during break times that scared little children and the canteen people!!..we seriously became professionals in getting free stuff...where faza brian and safarul got the worse of it!! that even one day the canteen pppl started giving us free food...anywyas this wasnt suppose to be an emo blog but more of a stroll through memory lanee ...>_<..love u guys

2008-01-18T15:16:00.000-08:00

i wish i could live life precariously like i had nothing to worry about except for the bees and the birds!! but unfortunately i have bigger dreams and though it seems like a shit load of work right now i hope that in the end it will be all worth it. seconds of zombi-like happiness for centuries of passion. i want to make the best out of this life and not settle for mediocrity well im not necessarily criticsing but more of questionng why settle for less when you can have more? now is that so bad?..

my mind tells me one thing but my heart tells me this:
sacrifices have to be made and no matter how hard or how impossible the truth may be in the end it will eventually come tumbling into my life so we have to decide which path its going to take the easy or the hard way. i prefer the easy way but something tells me that it most certainly will always come through the hard way. damn, my perception of beauty must be so messed up thinking that mary-kate olsen is actually pretty!! hole moley!! =P..

A lady who was a representative from parliament : a conservative MP to be exact came into skulto give a talk today during assembly. it was interesting cus we were discussing about what is the most difficult issue being faced by todays UK government. she mentioned something of deterioration of society and how we have lost our identity within a society and that our familiar structures are slowly breaking down and normal accepted behavious is no longer known. there is no incentive for working class citizens to actually want to get out of poverty as they feel it is hopeless to even try and that crimes and drugs are slowly encroaching and manipulating peoples desperation. i thought that was a really interesting point because yes there is a definite deterioration and its happening all around us which brings to mind about our traditional structures we use to have. the norms of social behavious such as what are our roles as children and adults and even grandparents though it seemed silly to generalise ..people did seem more put together and happy?it may have been unconcious happiness because that was what was expceted. was the structure so bad? was it good that we broke out all the pandora's boxes and give into ALL our desires and wants without really realising there was a reason for why society had been built up this way?...

sometimes i wonder...are we tooo smart and aware for our own good?

2008-01-17T14:00:00.000-08:00

holeymoley!!!

i had my chem exam today module 1!! it went pretty much swimmingly!!!hahahaha...i was freaking out this morning and had minor panic attacks cus i really needed it to be good. when i was writing the exam in the hall i felt like i couldnt breathe for that one hour as i was racing against time and i mean that literally, question after question i recognized it!!! i was so happy by the end of it because it felt like all the adrenaline was pumped out of me and i can finally reach the ground again!!i just hope that my biology exam next week can go well tooo cus i am in desperate need of help with ecology i mean i love studying biology and evrything but ecology is definitely not one of my strong pointss so i jst need to continue slaving away with the books and past year papers!!! i actually celebrated today by drowning myself in gilmore girls episodes 4 hours to be exact!!..funny...i got really hyper after that and i didnt understand why. tomorrow is the start of the weekend which means it WILL be stressful , it feels as if weekdays are less stressful than weekends nowadays cus if im not doing work i feel so guilty about it so i tend to sit at my table the whole day..im such a nerdd!! i wanna stab myself!!ahhaha...but oh well thats what i need to do i guess if i want to have a chance to get into a decent university...

darren called me just noww and i miss him soo much!! well apparenly, dome cafe will now be handed over to gripps which i am so pleased about.darren and i are absolutely fanatical and obsessed with this calamari sambal thingy that they havee . well actually darren first had the obsession and i was introduced to it which made evrything spiral out of control..ANYWAYSS..im just glad their opening a branch in gadong so meaning we dont always have to travel all the way to kiulap just get it anymore!!hahaha..yeah that was a silver lining as welll..hehhe..i miss him so much and im wishing that hes back here!!! i loveee my lil bananaboat!!! >_<.... i had the randomest dream last night , i dreamt that i met up with all my old friends from panaga last time and i saw marco,ranier and hannah...it was sooo weird and in my
dream we just kept saying "itss BEEN ages since we've last seen each other" ..weirdness..

one more weeekk baby!! and im done with examss and i can start to jsut chill for abit!! then back
to london for half term holidays and meeting up with all my bruneian peeps..oh yeah 2 of my friends got an offer from oxford to do chemistry and im so happy for themm they so deserve it anyways cus their fregging geniuses.. lulu ,cathrin and i were having a conversation last nite over dinner and we were talking about china and hngkong and the whole democracy and communist parties. its really sad how most people in the world are still being unfairly treated and how each of us has the potential to make a chnage though it may be something minor just as long as your passionate about it then it will bring you a long way. we dont have to be
kings or presidents to make a difference but just do what we're great at and hopefullly make a slight contribution to the improvement of our society wherver it may be...

2008-01-14T11:15:00.000-08:00

time stands still when your around,
absence is such a suffocating feeling,
it slowly eats me away until i cant breathe,
your silence breaks me into pieces,
not knowing my left from my right,
you know me the best with every single imperfection,
you use it to only love me more,
i dont know how you do it,
but please dont ever stop,

so i got an offer from UCL( university college london) biomedical science!!..hehe..that was the thing that brightened up my day today >_<..another prayer definitely answered..thank you GOD!hehee...i might stop this bloggy thingy...i feel rather lazy to constantly post which otherwise makes this place stale and seriously it is a massive waste of time for me anyways.

2008-01-11T12:56:00.000-08:00

anyways i did my math c3 exam today and it a complete disaster. a slight exageration?maybe! but i was still aggitated by some of the questions and i was annoyed that i couldnt answer them since the answer was just staring me in the face .oh, how i i loathe maths and i wish i didnt have to do it. i always i like maths but i have a feeling math doesnt like me! but yeah i talked to mum later and she was made me feel better well actually she was more concerned on how i was feeling since ive been ill for over a week now which i thought was sweet and it cheered me up after talking to her. my brother talked me as well telling me about his plans for his engagement dinner tomorrow in bandar and how he wished i was there too and hes quite sad that im not involved in the whole event but oh well duty calls. im feeling upset about it but then again just as long i dont miss the wedding its fine by me all i want is their happiness..eheh..

so yeah its the weekend..which DOESNT mean sleep ins or mindless tv surfing because i have a chemistry exam on the 17th! which is MAD and i need to do more revision i gave myslef the night off cus i cant seem to concentrate at the moment. hehe i found out when my last exams are and their in JUNEE!! weeeee which means il be back earlier ...earlier than planned i guess..ehehe..i cant believe i have another 5months of Alevels and its OVER!! WAA sooo scary. im gonna miss my idiot sisters when i leave, i wont be able to just walk into random rooms and start conversations when im sad,happy or just plain bored!!! dinners are usually pretty funny cuz we always sit by the same table and make random jokess about how disgusting the food can get and get overly excited when the food is GOOD...yes, we appreciate the thingss an outsider just wouldn't understand like inTERNET connections, home cooked meals, airportss and mail in our pigeon holes!haha..yes yes!! we are all we've got in a way, our families are miles away and we were maybe just 17 when we left home so we've managed to make a home away from home. though its just been a year and few months it feels like ive always had them as friends cus living with strangers is the fastest way to get to know anyone. i see them when i walk to school, go for breakfast ,some in my own classes, during lunch and then back at the boarding house, 24/7!!ahahaa..

its nice in a way knowing that your not alone and that someone shares what ur going through. cathrin came into my room and recorded over my phone messagee with stupid rhymess and laughterss in the backkground!! moments like that i will definitely missss...but now i just have to get my ass working so i can get into a decent university and make something out of myself!!! =P...but yeah home is still where my heart iss ...i misss my familYYY!!!!!!! they just crack me up sometimesss..

2008-01-08T11:36:00.000-08:00

what i want?

i want to be hopelessly in love and not having a care of anyone around me. i want to hug you for as long as i want knowing that i dont have to LET GO. i wanna feel your embrace as if its the breathe of fresh air u desperately needed to survive. i want to not be afraid to show how weak and vulnerable i can be without having the fear of being judged. i want to express how i feel without a second thought and just be so real that it hurts. i want to travel the world and experience as much as i can, and yet i realise i dont want
to make a step without you next to me.i want to feast in italy , walk through the desert in egypt and swim in the blue beaches of indonesia.what i want is something you can give me and all i need to do is to not be afraid to ask!

2008-01-07T11:55:00.000-08:00

2008-01-07T10:08:00.000-08:00

hello my chicken littless...did u miss me?..well i missed going online in the comfort of my own room here in oakhouse. so im back at the house and had a major work out just dragging my suitcase around london.my back almost gave out as i dragged it up the stairs to my room but i presevered and just told myself"just few more stepss ok?"..hehe..so here i am...my winter holidays were amazing and eventful. well basically i went to london and hertfordshire. darren and i became movie buffs as we didnt really have anything else to do and also we became food conoissieurs(not sure how u spell it) but yeah we kept eating out and cooking ourselves.he's so proud of me cus i seem to have a knack at cooking which is something i never knew about myself.hehe..even when i was in brunei hall and my frens were really hungry after the movies so i cooked pasta for them and they said it was really yummyy!!..ahaha..but then they got really high after eating
it so they wondered if i had spiked the pasta!!:P

well we spent christmas with my sister and brother. the funniest thing was my brother had a high fever on christmas so we just spent christmas in out hotel room watching christmass movies and eating noodles. some might say it was depressing but i thought it was great cus i had my loved ones surrounding me and making me laugh. it felt nice to feel a piece of home again. my sis and i kept teasing my brother for being a weakling while darren observed how different i tend to act when my siblings are around in a good way =). i shall them sooonn enough and oh yes im counting the days. darren and i spent new years dining in bella italia and at midnight watched parts of the fire works and it was extremely crowded which made me have a minor panic attack as i felt so small and kept getting pushed around so darren led the way and pushed evryone out of my way so that we could get into some open space which turned out to be the best viewing place. the fireworks were insane ..it was an insane 1million pounds worth of things burning!!hahaa...the last bit was crazy cus sumthing exploded and the sky went all bright as if the sun was out!! after the countdown and fireworks the streets went wild ,ppl running ,singing and laughing....it was definitely eventful =)

i watched ps;i love you without darren as he left to brunei alreadyy!!! and it was soooo sad and touching i basically cried through the whole thing.it s the greatest romantic comedy movie ive EVER watched. it made me cry laugh and angry all at the same time. it made me miss darren even more that i couldnt stand itt!!!ehhee..so whoevr cant stand soppy love story then i caution u that this is definitely one of themm...im back in school and im half dreading and half anxious about it because exams are coming up and then another 6months and im done with all this.i hope everyone had an amazing start to 2008 and is well prepared for whatver might pop up , the good and the bad....another year meaning another year to grow...

well, my brother is offically engaged...he proposed on new years and she accepted!!hehe how sweet...my brother even asked if i approved before he asked and i thought that was so sweet and it made it even sweeter cus he gave me an angel necklace encrusted with diamonds after i said YEAH.hehe..i love my siblings cus no matter what they'll always have my back.....

***dear veetag, i hope ur feeling better and that it doesnt hurt too much anymore. i'd definitely be there everyday if i was back and be at your wait and call. hahaha seriously!..and dont worry a difficult start doesnt necessarily mean a difficult journey to the end!! =P..love u my best friend!

by the way i have fallen ill. i have a cold,sore throat,loss of my voice and a cough. im pissed off cus my taste buds do not work and i feeel like im having an out of body experience....i love the song the mixed tape by jack's mannequin!!! =)

2007-12-12T16:49:00.000-08:00

MERRY chRISTMAS and HAPPY New YEAR

So this may be my last post of the year as i am not sure when i'll be around internet again! winter break is starting up and im off to london! where has this year gone? im not so sure but all i know is that i enjoyed it and will be sad that its over! i loved being home for the summer hanging with the peeps and my familyy, i loved that darren visited me in april and we explored england together and experienced the horrible weather together and now that he is here it makes it even more special, i loved visiting my sister in the US as it made me fall in love with New York and everything that has to do with America!! =).. i have definitely done some crazy things and also things that hurt me in the end. i have nothing left to do now but just look straight ahead for what is instored for me i just hope that everyone will be happy and healthy for 2008! i was thinking about my resolutions for 2008 and i think that i should gain a more positive mind set and also to be grateful while not trying to grow up toooo fast.

i misss home but i have accepted the fact that i will not be returning until july and i am sure that it will be ready and waiting for me by that time,all hot and CRazy like that! i just hope that 2008 will be a much better year for me and that many more doors will open up especially with alot of hardwork and perserverence that hopefully pays off. i am quite weary troubles that might appear but i am sure that whatver comes GOD will give me the strength as he has always provided me strength during the moments i thought i would have failed. another year and another chapter. i have made even closer friends this school year and i hope that friendships made ,will be friendships kept. i miss my darren right now and i just want to be with him always.
i'll be spending christmas and new years in london so that will be amazing. i cant wait to see my brother and sister because it feels like ages since i last saw them.

things planned for 2008

1.Enter university(hopefully!)
2.Certain someones engagement?
3.Trip to Germany(hamburg)
4.get my license
5.be happppyyyy.... =P

"never regret the things that made you smile!!"

so, goodbye 2007 and hello 2008! the years are passing the leaves keep falling,
when will it end,
when will they stop,
im falling into memories of you,things we use to do!! >_<

2007-12-12T13:07:00.000-08:00

2007-12-04T08:42:00.000-08:00

sometimess i wish i could float away into a place where i can be freeee..............

i cant bare to face it all over again..
i cant be doing so many things wrong?not all at once..
i just want it to be simple,like it was...
but why and how did it turn out this way..
longing for the ocean breeze to blow it all away
should have appreciated it more,
this mixed emotionss wear me down,
to a point wheere i dont recognize myself anymore,

2007-12-03T10:14:00.000-08:00

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

I GOT AN OFFER!!!!!...MY VERY FIRST OFFERRR...

KINGS COLLEGE LONDON, bIOMEdical Science

=)
woot woot..still waiting for the others..

tthank u GOD as it wasn't rejection

2007-12-02T14:22:00.000-08:00

anywaysss i had the MOST AMAZING WEEKEND OF MY LIFEEEEE!!!! hehehe..weell i went to london today and weent to the intercontinental hotel to meet the sultan!! brunei hall was so jammed pack with students it was crazy.ppl didnt have rooms to sleep in so sum of my frens stayed in te lobby and had only 2hrs of sleep.so kesian for them!! but anyways we all arrived at the hotel at 11 . it was realy tight security because we had to pass through metal detectors and security guards. then we went into the massive hall. it smelled like brunei cus they were serving rendang and stuff..such a nice atmosphere cus it was basically all bruneian ppl from all over the UK.we were waiting for His Majesty for a couple of hourss and before i got too restless he arrived and gave us a very inspirational titah! it was the first time i ever heard him speak in real life and clearl enough that i could make out what he was saying.

then the madness began after that because he entered the crowd to shake hands. i managed to shake his hand the first time! but i didnt have my camera with me. then the second time i managed to ask if could take a pic with him and he said ok but when i was taking the picture someone pushed me so the picture was abit retarded cus it was mostly me but not really him.being really let down i sadly backed away and started walking the opposite direction. then all of a sudden i walked into this sspac the body guards was asking evryone to back away and it clicked in my head that i was actually standing in the place where he was gonna pass!! so i was like CCOOLL,,,so i just stood behind the body guard so no one can stand in front of me! then when His Majesty came i just asked if i could take a pic with him and he said OK!! and asked me where was i studying and i replied BEDford high school!! then some random girl helped me take a pic..such a cool pic just me and him!!!hehehe..i got sooooo hyper it was CRAZY:)...il post it up soon cus right im so knackered cus my feet are killing due to the standing and running around..but it was soo AWESOME so im all smilesss!! and we had such a funny time going back to bedford and we kept talking about how lucky it is for us to be bruneians and how generous HIs Majesty is to all of us because we basically do not have to worry about anything as our sole purpose is to STUDY nuthing more so i guess im grateful to have a king like him and being a bruneian =)...and in a way we are making him proud education wise cus alot of the peeps i know are in places like oxford(and evry year there is gradual increase in acceptance), imperial, UCL, LSE and cambridge. so thats sumthing to look forward to for the future for the bruneian government though we're not like singapore we dont have to be because we're trying our VERY best to succeed and u know what if its enough for him than its enough for us too . and as i can see the people that surrounds me are not only smart but tolerant(most of the time) so its quite exciting to see where wwe will be after 10 years.

share in the achievements of your brothers and sisters,
do not envy and do not hate
as we too can be great!!
~ness

2007-11-28T10:52:00.000-08:00

anywways i misss brunei so freaking much right noww!!!...its quite sad evryones back now but most of eevryone is back but i cant be there..snifles! my sis will be back end of the month and i only get to to spend a couple days with my siblings here in london.how sad!!..i misss homeee!! i missss waking up in the morningg and strechin out to one side of my bed eventho im not sharing!!heheh..and i misss waking up to my grandfather mowing the lawn which at first annoyss me but now i miss it..and also going for bfast with my parentsss cus my mum will always be complaining about how hot it iss and my dad will always force me to order in chinese and start complimenting me when i do!!hehhe..funny...cus he cant say much either but then my mum would come along then tell me i pronounce things funny.=P

i misssssssss going for training in bandar..our crazy drills where il be panting like a psycho woman!!and then making jokes with coach fan and sometimes watch darren play =P....then later having dinner with his parentss...good timess ..hehe..i cant not talk about the foodd in brunei cus i miss it like hell.okie.like nasi lemak,mee goreng,kueh tiaw,beehoon,teh tarik,teh c ping,butter prawn, kiam chai? anddd more food goodness that i am not able to get a hold of here!! darren and i attempt to cook them but it always turns out soo damn BAD that we get really demotivated and always wish our mums were here to teach us then get annoyed cus we didnt learn how to cook!!hehee..but he always makess sure i eat enough and that he tries to make sure itss goodd if not he wont let me eat it then cheeerss me up by trying to make the teh tarik with those instant 3-in-1 teh tarik thingys.hehee

exams are in a month and im so not prepared..i just need to do moreeee revision!! its nevr enough thats the annoying bit about it...boomm chicka wa wa!! VEENAH i soo envy u right nowww..i wannaa go brunei too!!hehehe..but u have fun there and i know ur wishing i was there too!! and get ann to get her drivers soon.so at least she can drive us around in her sisters audi one day...hehee..anyways christmas party is next weekend and this weekend im going to london to meet sultan in this hotel..its actually an invitation for all bruneian ppl to meet him!ehee...should be fun i guesssssss..=P...

im so random right nowwwwwwwwwwwwww.....

2007-11-25T17:09:00.000-08:00

2007-11-25T15:45:00.000-08:00

Remember me, im the one that fell...
im lost within my own world,wondering how i ended up here.
i wont let u down.il take care of u today,tomorrow,over and over agen!
im a lil broken and bruised but im still here.
i scream,shout and cry...the drama continues until i cry out to u..
there you are..running through the fire holding ur hand out.
thats who u are to me.
the one that'll wait a million years and never give up.
and if i drive,we'll drive into the sunset.
promise we will,let go of the bad and hope for evrlasting happiness.

its 11.50pm and the whole house is quiet. i feel rather relaxed and maybe a lil sad! maybe its due to the song that im listening to that brings me back to a place where i dun want to be whatver it is it aint a good thing.
tomorrow is a start to a whole new week filled with exams and assignments.i dunno what i'd do without the ppl i have in my life i'd probably go insane. i didnt do much this weekend just hung out with ren. it was extremenly cold yday that i almost coudn take it felt like my bones were freeezing inside out.

i wanna make a difference, i want to leave a mark in this world though im just a speck in this big world i believe i can make a difference but im not sure how yet. why is money so important, people who have it desire it and people who have it are so unhappy! i need sumthing of substance and meaning in my life. i dunt think we have very long on this earth..tomorrow isnt promised to anyone so what am i waiting for?
you ask me what i want? i cant answer cus i have no idea whether what i want is what i need and what i need is what i want! if only i knew....

my smiles and laughters are dedicated to you and my tears are yours to keep..

2007-11-21T11:06:00.000-08:00

Dolly scientist abandons cloning

The scientist who led the team that controversially created Dolly the sheep is abandoning the cloning of human embryos in stem cell research.

Professor Ian Wilmut, of Edinburgh University, believes a rival method developed in Japan holds the key to curing serious medical conditions.

The new method creates stem cells from fragments of skin and could remove the need to use human embryos.

Pro-life groups opposed to the use of embryonic cells have welcomed the move.

But Prof Wilmut said: "We've not made this decision because it's ethically better.

"To me it's always been ethically acceptable to think that if you could use cells from a human embryo to develop a treatment for a disease like motor neurone disease, for which there is no treatment at present, then that is an acceptable thing to do."

Building blocks

The professor's team developed a cloning technique that has subsequently been used to harvest stem cells - which have the potential to be grown into any cell in the human body.
At last scientists are starting to see reason. It is a gift to us all. We are at last going to see some common sense coming into the debate
Josephine Quintavalle,
Comment on Reproductive Ethics

Embryonic stem cells are widely regarded as the most flexible cells in the body and could one day be used to produce transplant tissues to treat degenerative diseases.

But the Ian Wilmut has now embraced a technique developed by Professor Shinya Yamanaka of Kyoto University, Japan, that involves genetically modifying adult cells to make them almost as flexible as stem cells. The research has been conducted on mice.

Professor Wilmut said his own research team held a meeting at which it was agreed the Japanese method had more potential than the use of embryonic cells.

He said: "The work which was described from Japan of using a technique to change cells from a patient directly into stem cells without making an embryo has got so much more potential.

"Even though it's only been described for the mouse, when we were considering which option to pursue, whether to clone or whether to copy the work in Japan, we decided to copy the work in Japan."

More acceptable
Dolly the sheep was unveiled to the world in 1997

The eventual aim is to grow replacement tissue as body parts become worn out.

There is some way to go before Professor Yamanaka's method can be used to grow tissue for transplantation as the resulting cells are unstable and potentially cancerous.

But Professor Wilmut believes that within five years the new technique could provide a better and ethically more acceptable alternative to cloning embryos for medical research.

Josephine Quintavalle, spokeswoman for Comment on Reproductive Ethics which is against the use of human embryos, welcomed the move.

She said: "At last scientists are starting to see reason. It is a gift to us all. We are at last going to see some common sense coming into the debate."

In 1997 Professor Wilmut's team made headlines around the world when they unveiled Dolly, the first mammal to be cloned from an adult cell.

2007-11-12T09:26:00.000-08:00

killl mEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeEEEEE..i just sent my applications to all my universitieSSSs...oh dear oh dear!!! the stresss is just beginning cus now its the torture of waiting!!! dammmmmm...i wannna screamm im so excited but also so damn scared!! what if i dun get any offerSS??what if they dun like me? what if i screw my interviews up?? imm going insane and im freaking out ...j.lo sent hers using my pc then i did mine!! we were both panicking but it was much better doing with her than ALONE cus my hands kept shaking..hehee..damm...

well muy choices are :
1 imperial college london
2.university college london
3.kings college london
4.wawrick university
5.bath university!!!

AAHHhhhhhhhhh..now i have to study my aasss off hoping il get an offer and finally actually achieving it at the end of this school year..please god!!! give me the strength that i need to presevere!!!.....today was a good and chillaxed day until NOW..hehe...gonna have dinner soon so am gonna call the girlss...i have been watching gossip girls online with j.lo and clarie for the past few nites and now we are obsessed that we actualy upload them and they'll come to my room at 11 then wacth till 1.pretty funny...gossip girls aint tooo badd sorta reminds me of OC but alittle bit more edgier...
my cousin alisa is coming to uk this weekend and staying for 2 weeks and i will be bringing her sight seeing..eheh iim quite excited about it cus it'll tonnes of fun.thats about it realy with the latest updates of my life.

but im out cus im off to have salmon for dinner.yum-o

2007-11-09T03:39:00.000-08:00

Things aren’t as black and white as they may seem sometimes. There isn’t always a right or wrong decision because life is never that simple. For example what if a man robs an old lady on the street? Your first reaction would definitely be, OMG! That person is a cold heartless man who should be thrown in jail to rot but what if his reasons were noble. His reason was to take the money and use it to pay for his child;s medicines or use it to put food on the table. Yes, there are better ways to deal with his problem but what is jobs market is low and the only job he has is just enough to pay for the rent,electricity and water bills. I could go on and on with an argument and never come to a clear conclusion. The book of justice stating what is right or wrong is an obvious disadvantage and does not serve a very good purpose and obviously no justice. How can it? We are only human beings we are not suppose to place ourselves superior to each other which is why we shouldn’t judge! Only God has the power to do that.

Why is it so easy for us to just sit back in the audience and discriminate a man giving a speech by saying it was boring, unclear , stupid or even a waste of time. Well what about his time put in that presentation? And what about his courage? Not everyone has the strength to stand up in front of an audience and try to catch their attention. Sometimes all we can do is point the finger but cover ourselves behind this glass shield. People to a lesser or greater extent a self centred and I hate that human flaw. No wonder we are so screwed up. No one is happy or content due to the curse of choices. We are too greedy and selfish thinking we deserve everything and anything in this world, whether we worked for it or not that’s a separate thing.

democracy and Monarchy whats the difference, everyone is still bounded anyways. There;s no such thing as freedom but something we believe we possess. If we are not bounded by family, its environment, its government and also by our own minds. So theres no such thing as black and white, right or wrong!!! I just thought things were different and that we actually had sumthing but I guess I was wrong? Who knows.

the momentss that have past me by...

2007-11-06T08:54:00.000-08:00

sometimes i wish i could fly above the seas and into the galaxy!

been having a hectic past week.pretty much rolling with the punches! tomorow im sending off all my applications and im going away with my hands clean and hoping for the best!!school is becoming a serious bitch lately esp math lessons, have u ever felt like the more u tried the more dumber u feell well yeah beeen feeling that way lately..not a good feeling but im not giving up that easily. last nite cathrin,jeniffer,clarie and i went insane in the room cus we were so stress that we started talking so much nonesense such as insulting our old housemistresses and laughing at each other till i had tears in my eyesss. we seemed pretty drunk but there wasnt a drop in sight!! anywyas clarie felt hungry at like 1030pm so we went downstairs to cook noodles and i made a chocolate cappucinno thingy for j.lo and cathrin cus i was feeling realli nice and it tasted really good too..hehee

i hope evryone back in brunei doing alevels now are not super super stress but i bet they are!! sooo goodluck EVERYbodyyyy and READ THE INSTRUCTIONSS!!!hehe!!!

the days are getting darker much earlier nowadays whcih is confusing my brain cus in the morning itss really sunny but reallly cold so my body cant seemmm to adjust.

tomorrow is a new day,
a day to figure what i want,
i want to fill in the gaps.
the gaps that leave me hollow..

2007-10-29T16:37:00.000-07:00

at rockefeller centre it was 30 degrees out but its didnt stop them from setting up the skating rink!

2007-10-29T15:48:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes YOU just have to hit the GROUND running!!!! "

i absolutely love that saying/motto? basically i had the most amazing half term EVER it was even better than last yeaR..anyways first few days i hung out with my love and watched nanny diaries whiich was a really sweet movie and on my bday we went around london and kinda explored..hehe it was fun cus we had sushi in the park ,ate chinese with heidi and her fren, rode in carriage through SOHO but we felt bad for the dude cus he had bring our fat-asses around,then i went insane in Miss selfridges..i was in the line waiting for the changing rooms when the song in the store caught my ear and it was a song that went like ' girl, your 19 now...u gotta livee..dont need a guy...lalalaa " i was damn shocked cus i mean usually songs would be about people turning 16,18,21 or EVEN 50 but THEN it was actually a song about turning 19 it was crazy then all of a sudden darren appears from nowhere asking me if i was listneing to the song! i was laughing like crazy and couldnt stop talking about it afterwards..hehe!! >_<.. oh yeah we went around BOND streeet and we freaking SAW ClAUDIA SCHIFFER!!! like as in the modell!!! crap she came out of chanel and I WAs OMGG!!! she was like crossing the street so i wanted to cross too which almost cost me my life cus a bike was driving by and i didnt realise until darren pulled my arm..yeah but anyways we managed to cross and pass her..she's realli skinny and pretty but not extremely tall.i didnt really wanna stalk her cus that would just be weird but the funnniest thing was after we passed her we passed salvadore feragamo and the model for the Ads was HER!!..goodness!i was star struck =)

then the next day i flew to washington DC..it was such a good trip basically cus i saw my sister which made me such a happy peanut..she surprised with a trip to disney world for my birthday..shes the sweettest :P/hehe..i just went sight seeing around washington while she was working on thursday. i took pichas of the white house,capital hill and columbia uni..it was goodd..i love the states.ppl are so friendly in comparison to the uk and the weather is so nice when i was there it was sunny and hot which was amazing..on friday we went to georgetown it was such a cute and quaint town it looked exactly like in the movies. in the evening we watched 'heartbreak kid' which was so funnyy!! and stupid then after then we went for dinner with claudette.

saturday we used the bus down to NYC and it was such an Experience.the first i saw was madison square garden which reminded right away of NSYNC..the good ol days..it was this huge ass arena and its like most well-known arena in NYC that it even has its own channel on TV!!! then we checked and went sight seeing..loads of camwhoring and starbucks stops..i cant explain the whole trip but to round it all up it was a great experience and everythin reminded me of backdrops of different movies and the movie that kept coming to mind was ELF , thats the ultimate funny movie so i kinda laughed to myself when i entered the empire state building!! its such an amazing city and the energy is felt throughout. its a mix of all sorts of people with multi-cultural background the ultimate melting pot!

tuesday we flew over to orlando where we visited DisnEy world! i know it sounds completely spastic but when i ffirst laid eyes on the cinderella castle which by the way DOES REALLY EXIST!!! ahahah...i had goosebumppsss alll over cus ive always wanted to go but never had the chance to and there i was...living up to the disney motto.."WHERE DREAMS COME TRUE....."basically i went to magic kingdom and universal cus we didnt have enough time to visit the other parks..we rode on this ride which drops down 5stories and splashes into a sea of water it was insane i saw my life flashed before my eyES!! my sis and i got completely soaked and it was freeezing so we bought disney shirts..i even managed to ride in the MAD-Tea party!!! its the ride with the massive tea cups from alice in wonderland i always dreamt of sitting in them though they made me feel like puking afterwards but it didnt matter!! theres something about that place that made me feel like an 8year old all over again..

in all honesty the atmosphere there is so much lighter and friendlier compared to here. it isnt the stereotypical place where people think at any moment you'll get terrorist attacks i mean there just normal people trying to get by just like everyone else. the food portions were insane i had the best salad and hot chocolaTE EVERR!!! goodness..it felt like heaven!! :P the american accent is sooooo coooooolll!!! i sound so all-american obssesseD!hahahaha....oh welllss...arrived in heathrow saturday night and now im back in schoolll..time to get serious and get my head out of LALA land all over again...at the moment i have a cold and keep sneeezing it ss really NOt FUNNY but i tink its just side affects from the constant change of weather conditions and time difference..it was all worth it in the end :P

"pretend everday is your birthday, and that you can do anything you want to do!"

2007-10-15T03:43:00.000-07:00

the sun is out and i feel ratherrr blur!! im just online waiting for him to get out of classs..hehe

just another 12more hours and it shall be my Birthday!! damn i am so self obsesseDd..i mean people are usually quite subtle about their birthdays and hope ppl with remmeber own their own but NOT mE il tell anyone who'll listen its MY birthday tomororw!ahhaha...just cusss i am happy i guess!hhheheh and thankful for my mum who had to go through that agonizing pain for me!!dammitt!!..scary..hehee

anywayss...i dun have much to say at the moment cus im hungry and im walking to mall to sit in costa and start reading my book!! the sun is out so evrything looks pretty and warm..its a sign for me to get out of this seat that i have been super glued to for the past hour.yday darren brought me to a malaysian society raya thingy..ehhe it was pretty good except i didnt know anyone started missing the peeps in brunei halll..

so SELAMAT HARI RAYA MAAF ZAHIR BATIN!!

2007-10-10T14:40:00.001-07:00

TODAY IS MY SISTERS BIRTHDAY!!!!!??!!! i LOve u ceki!!......hope it was a great one!muakz

2007-10-10T08:26:00.000-07:00

sometimes just sometimes...i wish*

its amazing how much free time i have to blog!..i have no life =_=..anyways i just came back from school.i had a chemistry test which was ok i guess but i could be dead wrong after i get the resultss!! there was this one question which i totally didnt geTT!!! i mean i was staring at it hoping sumthing will click in my brain!! but literallly i was in a blank StaRE!!! i mean what the hell is chromium +VI? i have never come acrosss it in my life!! then went to look for mrs.samuels to ask her on my application for a work experience in Glaxo-smith and Kline! i hope i get in!hehe..then after lunch the girls went to the common room and started looking at japanese fashion magazineS!! damn their soo pretty but about 99% of them had plastic surgery..number 1.EYES number 2.Nose number 3.mouth!! they actually do it in that order cus its this fad in japan!! i tot it was an interestting point of the day there was also this article on ayumi hamasaki she looked like nicole richie for some reason! anwyays she had like luggages and luggages of louis vuittons..and it occurred to me what if i had them and i was traveelling economy i mean il be basically be asking to be ROBBED!..yeah but i dun have to worry about that cus i wont be having luggages and lugagges of LV anytime soon...so lucky me?

i have been through quite alot of ups and downs in my life. they have all left a scar on me and i am definitely the person i am today because of it. i have been hurt,happy,grateful,heartbroken,lied to,made feel special,ovrcome death...some thingss are better left unsaid especially the things that i cant change..things will never go back to the way they were.im turning 19 and thats my last year as a teenager and in a way its the end of an eRa! gosh!!,,its insane i have no regrets but just some unanswered questions which i think will be left unanswered. if sumone were to ask me if i had spent my youth wisely and to the fullest i can honestly say up to this point yes i have! it definitely wasnt PERFECT but i wouldnt have changed it for anything. i wasnt the most rebellious and yet i wasnt a cookie-cutter as well. im just glad my parents brought me to have my priorities straight. my teenage life was always a roller coaster one crazy thing after another. even my dream to be a pro-tennis player( now that was fun) ,

my family has always been my back bone in my life without even realising it. they always huddle by my side and support me throughout my life and we have the occasional bickering but we all know that deep down theres only love.my life-long friends that i made through all those years has been one of the main highlights and all the memories are preciously stored up in my heart,they taught me how to laugh and to be who i am without having to give a reason .i ve always treasured all of them and wouldnt trade them for anything.the greatest thing about childhood freinds is that once you come back it feels as though nuthing has changed and we still laugh over the most mundane and stupid things!and also my longest standing relationship it was perfect in its own lopsided way cus he was my best fren & boyfren all wrapped into one but i guess thats the way first love rships are a bitter/sweet memory because it was the time i endured so much sadness and happiness as it was the first time i had ever been in love. All and all...i have no regrets it was good 7years from being completely naive to being alittle bit more skeptical.

The best thing about growing up is having to realise what you want out of your life and realising the possibilities!most people still dun have the answers they need but we're all edging towards something at least something that interest us. now im just excited to see whats instored for me and for u,i just hope its something goodd..

2007-10-09T11:28:00.000-07:00

so anyways..its tuesday which means 3more days till my half term holidays!!..hehehe..weee..exCitED!!!..wel cus my birthday is coming up in a week and i'll probaly be spending it with dARRenn(>_<)....ehhehe and i dun know whats planned for me yet!!..ahaha..yess!! and also i'll be flying off to see my sister in washington!! and im also going to New York!! waaaaa i cant believe it!!!..hehehe...its weird how i spent my last birthday in paris and now in new york! i feel so blessed!...it should be fun sight seeing with my sister!! especially cus she booked a room in time square so as she puts it 'where all the action is '...

it has been extremely cold lately and its only october! ive been a walking ice cube in skul..with my coat and scarfss!! esp cus i have a cold now!!...i talked my mum this morning for abit and just falt a twinge of sadness cus i really miss her. last nite i was in jeniffers and claries room with cathrin wheere we talked for like 2 HOURSS..HomigoSHH!!....we didnt realise we were talking for that longg!!!...yeah i have a chemistry test tomorroww!!! i hope i dun faill...dammit!

i misss my childhood friends!!..high school seems like a million years ago right now! and all im doing is waiting for the days to pass...i got my exam schedule today and i have 3 in january which isnt tooo bad cus some of my freinds have like 7 papers to sit for!! thatss insane!!sometimes i wished i went to into financing or investmentss...my whole life i have always chosen sciences just because it was the route i was familiar with and the arts was somewhat looked down upon which i think is completely stupIDdd!!..but anywyas theres no turning back noww!!..

Never forgotten,never forsaken
and nevER stoppeddd being loveD...
WE are all a walking contradiction!

2007-10-03T10:19:00.000-07:00

so yeah..our internet in the boarding house is momentarily blocked!!..itss rather annoying and yet funny at the same time cus now we;re all finding ways in which we can entertain oursleves. ive been watching movies and seriess!!!...yes yess..its a great distraction!! university applications still annoying but im just leaving it all up to god and just patiently wait for the outcome. my brother and sister are coming to london for christmas and that'll be great cus im probably not going home in dec. im happy about that cus at least i get to spend time with him before he jumps ship!!!hahaha.. probably the greatest part about succeeding ur dreams is actually realising how capable you are.

i feel that somethings and experiences are meant to be left behind and there are some that should be held on to forver. i just realised how il never get back the time that im having right now and im actually going to miss IT. esp when im in uni. the days are passing so fast that weeeks feel like days. it sure has passed even faster than last year this time. and autumn is definitely here. leaves are wilting and covering the streets. pretty but tends to get smelly.hehe...half term is coming up next week and so much to do before that.just soaking evrything in and enjoying the ride.

change is inevitable and acceptance is crucial.

smiles are good, but laughters are better =)...

i nevr have anything to say...

2007-09-30T15:05:00.000-07:00

i know that i will never have to walk alone as long as i have you in my life...

we went to london yday and basically walked around for 6hrs. it was fun exploring london and walking around streeets that we've never been before. i was quite surprised after 3hrs we actually reached china town somewhere we actually recognised where we had dimsum!!(HEaven!!).it didnt feel like 6hrs cus we kept stopping at random stores and places that seemed unique.i decided to go to starbucks but only after passing maybe ten starbucks did we finally sit down. i like the ones with the comfy couches and not overly crowded so we went on a "lets find the nicest starbucks"mission..hehhe,,,it was a good and relaxing weekend at least it kept my mind off the stresses that have been peering over my head lately..feels like its going to blow up in my face soon so i have to get on iT!!! tomoro is the start of a new weeek AGain!! ..i hope i make it through!!...i wish i had more control and stability because right now i feel so wary and doubtful!...he actually cooked me bfast lunch and dinner =) he made this pasta thingo that smelled like penne arrabiata from frats and it actually tasted yummier..hahaha....i love my boyfriend so much! he keeps me sane and sometmes gives me the wake-up call i so NEED from time to time.....

why is my life crowded with boundaries?..i didnt even realise i had created such a mess that know im shoved to a corner, unable to move!

i reallly wish, i really hope..i really wish and really HOPEE..pllssss..cus i realli wish and really hope

hey U!!!yeah u the one reading this blog..is reading abt my life worth a minute of ur time?

>_<

2007-09-20T11:22:00.000-07:00

i feel like im bombarded by all the OTHER things when all i need is you lord .im trying hard to remember and find my way back so i wont lose you forver.. evrything seems bleaker and definitely darker*

2007-09-16T11:08:00.000-07:00

i fell in love today...felll in love with the new enrique iglesias song called somebody's me! i just love evrything
the song.i have continuously listening to it today!! such a sweet song and not a bad thing that enrique is H-o-T..he iss !! and definitely NOT gay!!..seems like evry love song that i listen brings me back to him. even when the song has nuthing to do with our situation but i imagine it and go off into my own lil world where only you and i matter.i love that ur not afraid...i love that ur brave for the both of us..when im unsure i know that u are..when i have lingering doubts u blow it all away! i love that u picked up the pieces and didnt run away...

last nite we went to tina's house for her 18th bday. the house was sooo pretty and they even had a ranch next to it and there was a beautiful white horse called mr.blue! it was dark so i couldnt realli see it but once i did i was so excited such a pretty and gentle animal it was. tina set up the backyard with candles and sofa's ..she hung christmas lights in the garden glass house and it really reminded me of the movie..under the tuscan sun.. seemed so mediteranean..the nite was filled with laughter and food!.the girls just danced to random songss we kept singing along to summer 69! sucha a nice song..then at nite i slept on the sofa taht was next to the huge window that when i lied down i could see the stars..sooo nicee!! cus we were in the country the stars were so obvious and the more u looked the starts u noticed looked like millions and billions..it was a cute nite..hehe..

he left few hours ago and his family was all sad and he was realli sad as well..ii started to cry as well cus i knew how it felt and i knew the feeling of having to part from ur loved ones not knowing when ul return..its hard to do but he remained strong and focused on the positive..i feel liberated in some way today..i realise that i am not a child anymore im turning 19 in a month and whether or not il accept it im turning into a young adult and having to figure out what i want from my own life and how i am going to live it..the decisions that i make are based on what i tink is right and i no longer can blame anyone.

" its our life cycle, and the caterpillar is slowly breaking from its cocoon..to finally be what it was always meant to be.. a butterfly!"

2007-09-14T15:59:00.000-07:00

the worst thing and the best thing alll wrapped into onee =)

weelll weell..the weekend is finally here agen to bless us with its presence ...happiii =) the funniest thing happend last nite cathrin was realli bored so she went into jeniffers room while she was in the shower then went to her computer and found a picture of a naked chinese man holdin gup a chinse sign on the streets and obviously not a compleltely naked onee..still it was completely stupid that she put it as her desktop..then clarie cathrin and i was sitting on the bed screaming for jeniffer to come outt until she actually broke the shower head cus she was panicking..then she came out and we were laughing hysterically then she was like what did u guyss do aagen ur laughing soo evil-like..then we were likee nuthing we're just bored can u play sme musicc..then she went to her computer and started screaming and saying ' EWwwwwwwwwwwww....soo disgustingg!!' gosh her facial expression was priceless....

anyways tonite i just slacked as cathrin and i went shopping at the supermarket and stocked up with junk foodd...then came back and called my cousin alicia who had just arrived two weekss ago as well and is now happily settled in manchester wit the rest of her family...yepp yepp so that was good..then mariam jo grace and i watched the illusionist in the common roomm..mariam reeled me in to watch it by saying she will offer me cheesecakee!! yum..ehehe but then it got soo overwhelmingg..but anyways the movie was soooooo gooodd so twsited and CRAzyyy just howww mvies shouldd be...unexpected and shockingg...it was such a goodd moviee....highly recommended by urs truly...hehe..tmororw is tina's bday so shes having a party at her house then gonna have a ssleeepp over..it should bee funn..hoefullyy >_<...hecticc hectic scheduless has led me to believe that i have boarded a time machine thats going way too fast....where has this weeekk gonee?? i didnt even feell it to be honest but no matter cus it means il get to see my peanut realllyy soonn and thatss AMAZINGGG!!!!!!...ohh yesss it iss..definitelyy =)

itss 1am now and i am still wide awakee..what is the matter with mee??.. i should get to bed so i can have an early start tomorrooww...timess a wasting ppl..before we know it we're 30 and wondering where our youth was spent?im random when its late at nite...

2007-09-12T10:43:00.000-07:00

basicalllyy im feeeling rather nostalgic today and i miss home terribly!! i just miss all the things i did and all time spent with my loved oneeess....hrm itss sad having to leave ur place of refuge and venture out into the huge abyst...all i had was myself when i stepped on the soilss of england and it was up to me to allow it to make me or break me...yeas many have gone before me and have successfully completeddd all of it but when the shoe is on ..comfort is just a word but as for now a year has passed and i am happy to confirm that im ok and that i will be ok...i just have to take it a day at a time and i dun have to be alone anymoree...he is coming soon..he whom i love the most and the onee i cant not speak to for even one day...life is fuulll of expected surprises!! we can plan and pray for what we want in life but we soon realise its not in our control cus if it was there wouldn be any thing such unexpected surprises..

i had such an amazing summer now it just feells as if it didnt even happen..i misss playing badminton with ren and his family..i actually broke his racket into haf once and it was sooo scary and funny cus we kinda crashed into each other to hit the ball thingo.hehhee..and our bball competition where we lost to his sibs so we had to do the siissy run around empire sports hall..i reallly misss our drive aroundsss cus we would alwes end up driving to pointless placessss...and fight over which song to listen to and once he just gave up and we basically listened to gwen stefani '4 in the morning' literally from morning till night. and it was sooo hilarious when my dad let him drive my green car which is like the most cacat car in the whole wide worldd cus it doesnt have power steering and so he kept stalling on the roadddd..and i keptt teasing him that he was embarassed to drive my dads car!!.

imm looking for meaning and wisdom in my lifee..that is what i ultimatelyyy require..i desire to be lovedd and to loveee...my mumsss birthday is tomorrow and itss sad that my sister and i cant be there for herr!! i wish i was thereee and actualyy celebrate it with herr..if only london to brunei was like singapore to brunei//thingss would just be soo much less complicatedd...i remember going to ilotus mothers day when my whole family was there..i dunno why but it felt like a really long time ago and the only memory of us actualllyy spending timee as a whole family...

* i hope that u will wait for mee_______________________

2007-09-11T11:47:00.000-07:00

life is getting so stressful and its sucking the life out me..ive only been in skul for a week and im alredi drained...gahh =(...hrmm was just randomly wondering about death? i mean what happens to one self when the spiritthat keeps our heart beating is gone..would we feel like we're in a verry verryy deeep sleepp...i wish i could switch to that mode for awhile...i cant take the pressure.,..and i cant being help being so imperfect...i dunno whats going on with me...i hope for one thing but end up doing another thing.....i hate arguments,misunderstandingss and feelingss of envy..we're living in a superficial world where we value possesions more than we value our own self..why were we made to be this way? why are we so aimless...questionss linger on for years but yet STILL no answer =(.....i reckon we're all dreaming and one day we'll finaly wake up and god will ask us what did we dream about?

anyways my flights been booked and im going to washington on the 17th =) it should be funn!!!...i cant wait to see my sister itss been ages since ive seen her...and renren is arriving on monday so hopefullyy i get to see himm...fingers crossed*...i cant believe its almost the end and i have another ten months till im done with high school...its completely mind boggling but i know thats it is definitely time for me to step into the real world...

2007-09-06T11:47:00.000-07:00

...wawawa!!! >_<..im so bored at this moment..getting worrried about my personal statement i hope its good enough to actually get a place in my top 3 universities..hopefully il get in and that god has a plan for me!...but all i can say is thank u from the grace of god in allowing me to get my results..the first time was such a let down but with perseverance and motivation from my lil group of supporters it turned out great =)

i have single room and its so pretty..my view looks out to the garden and the big oak tree always has some squirrels running up and down and some pretty birds minding their own business while i stare out into space.... i have another year here and out into the cold cold world....i am who i am and i know u love me for who i am and whoevr i aim to be...im gonna see my sister in a month and it'll be pretty cool maybe even check TRL in time square..i actually have to book my ticket soon..hrm..i dunno what to do...another month then its hloidays agen!!..ahhaah ..damn ppl in the uk get so many holidays ..not that im complaining =)...today we saw a girl passed out at watkins foyer..pretty freaky!

remember when i told u i love u...

2007-09-06T10:44:00.000-07:00

im lying on my cloudd nine!

so im back here...arrived a few days ago..i miss brunei and the people there!!. hrm being back realli made me realise what a wonerful and special place home really is and its largely due to all the people present there. i met all my family and friends..good times =) i spent loads of time with my mummy..having bfast with her evry morning where she will be dragging me off bed then going for aerobics..hehe and our saloon days..hehe..i miss that!!..i reallly misss her..though we dun always see eye-to-eye but she knows what type of a person i am. well i practically did everything i set out to do when i was back.. =) lets see..i actually went to temburong with my brother,cousin(killie) and darren.!.it was so much fun cus like we actually had to use these river boats to get there and then we reached these cabins by the rapids. we hiked up a thousand steps and reached the peak then had to climb up these ladders, by the end of it we were out of the forecst top and looking at the sky!! it was soooo beautfiul and it made me feel like i was on top of the world...ehhe..we then had a swim in the river water it was hard cus the current was so strong and water sooo cold..hehe..i kept being swept away and so i kept screaming at darren to help mee!!..

oh yah...my lvoe actually got out of NS for me..it was such a shocker cus i didnt know he was actually coming out and then while i was in my mums room one evning my mum called me and when i came out ..there he was..smiles and all.. blush* eeks.....i was so happy cus i was thinking how sad it would be if he wasnt here in brunei..yeah anyways i went for my attachment thingy in bandar where darren picked me up early morning for breakfast then dropped me off at work...where i learned loads of thingss about the science departments in brunei and how the labs are runned here.....yeah so that was fun two weeks.. then i went to singapre with papa.mum and brandon..that was a fun 5days.i went on a shopping frenzy and it was great...i misss family time esp cus i feel so far away from them while im here...also my lil brother aint little anymore hes a boy now and its sad that i cant realli see him grow up..we dun fight as much as we did when we were little but now get along more like friends which is nice too ..

i went for a tennis camp hosted my coach domingo where coaches and players from phillipnes came..MAN it was freaking tiring and sooo sooo FUN!!i almost passed out..like 3hour training sessions under the blazing sun!! it really did test my endurance and my own motivational skills..ehhe...but i cant wait to join another one..how i wish i joined more when i was younger! ah wellls.i misss my love..i miss driving around aimlessly...time seems to always fly by when im arround him and slow down when we're apart..how sad,long distance is a bitch but im glad we dun have to do it for long..i dun care what other people think and what expectations they may have upon me cus right now all i know is that i love him and if i mean it then why not act like it..cus basically in this life we are judged by our actions and not by our words...dun hold onto the person u tink i am cus i nevr pretended to be sumthing i wasnt...i just want u to be happy but please dun create an impossible situation for me...yes,i get hurt and disappointed so dun expect me to be a porcelain dolls thats fragile n cannot be broken cus ive been thru more than u know so its my turn to be happy..

i lvoe alll my friends in brunei and it was fun hanging with them all being cacat and LOUDD!! always laughing at psycho thingss...going out for TEA and dinner...thanks guys =)

2007-06-30T14:36:00.000-07:00

heya my cheessyy monkeys =)

so guess what i went to ALTON TOWERS amusement park and it was damn amazingg i wanna go agen agen agen and AGEN!!! WAAAAAAAAAa..we arrived there after our 2hour coach ride and it was raining like a retard but we were all still exicted anyhooss..so basicallyy it was me,cathrin,jeniffer,vanessa,viviana and clarie.we decided to go together as a group..hehee...okie so we went to the furthest place in the park first just cus we thought the liness would be shorter BUt noo..it was damn long..it was the forbidden valley area..i was scared shitless cus i mean ive never ealli been a fan of roller coasterss and the coasters there were humungOUSS and i could only hear ppl screaming their aRSES off so yeah pretyyy scared..we saw this one ride called the NEMESIS and its like u had to sit there while ur feet dangless along and u go up this mountain thingy it was HUGEE..it looked too intimidating so we decided to go for sumthing lesssss scary to start with...the one next to it was called AIR and basically the thingy holds up in a superman position so basically its as if ur fllying...i was oh my goodnesss i cant doooo itt..im too scaredd...but yeah vanessa and i started praying right there in the line and then felt better..cus w'ere OK WE CAN DO THISS!!..ahahh...

i sat next to cathrin and she kept on laughinggg at me cus i started screaming b4 the ride started up...and then she kept screaming this sooo cOOLL.ahaha..and i was likeeeeeee...WTFFFF!!!!..so yeah i SURVIVED Air =) then it was on to nemesis..ok that ridde went 360 and 180 and even 90!!!,,it wasss insaneeee!!!!!!??!!!!...but love the adrenaline rush..then next up was the RITA it wasss like the fastest moving coaster ...pumped up by hydraullicsss and all..ahaha..we kept wondering where the smoke was coming from..we wanted to go on the other coaster ride next to it but jeniffer said she had a FINal destination bad feeeling about the ride so that scared me enough TO NOT go on itt!!..ahahah..yeah then we went to charlie and the chocloate factory justc us it looked cool from the outside but it was rather kiddidh..wastted an hour in the stupid linee..yep yep..then we went to this other coaster ride called the spinning whiz..where basicallyy its a huge coaster ride where the site spin on it own..the seats smeelled so bad cus it was raining and all...yeah i tink that was the scariest ridee..and then we went to this other one called the running mine train? it wasnt as scary as the otherss but enough to make me scream like a nutso...basicallly i rode like 5 roller coasterss and didnt get sick ONCEE..proud of maselff...there was this one called the oblivion where it ddropss u 90 degressss down and stopss halfway soo ur ddanglingggggg there for a few secss it lookedd soo scaryyy...we were just watching it from afar and we started screamingg!???!! yeah its not as if we were on it but yeah we felt the freakiness of it..yep

our last ride was the river rapidss...it was a rather mild ride..just going through the water..and all..and we were like yeah yeah this ride is sooo boring and i was like yeah..we can have tea here cus itss so boring..then all of a sudden we bashed against a walll and a whole load of water spilled in and wet jeniffer completely then we wERE OMGG!!..ahaha then we bashed another wall and splattered all over jeniffer again and this time the water went into her mouth and we were laughing at her like crazy..anyways it was such a funny ride..there was one bit where we passed water fallss and we were screaming like mad and then halfway we realised we werent getting wet and then just stopped screaming..

so yeah we rode like 12 rides altogether and i didnt feeel a thingg..YAY =) proud of maselff....loved alton towerss and we decided its a great way to release our stressss...fun fun =0

"country road take me home to the place i belong,
west virginia mountain mama take me home,
country road....alalla....

hehe was singing it on the way back while thinking about brunei...lovess it..

2007-06-29T10:23:00.000-07:00

never will i look at oak and mosses on trees differently ever again!!...i just 5 days in wales and it was amazingg!!i loved it except for some bits and pieces but overall it was great..

when we arrived there, it was raining heavily and cold which was not abonormalfor wales weather but anywes she came running in our bus and yelled..hey evryone!!!!..place ur bagss in the rooms and then we're off to the mountainSS!!..we were like HUHH!!?!?!??!..ahahhaa..then before we knew it we were up walking up the mountain beside the waterfalll while millions of raindrops were falling on us...it was rather beautiful...inside the forest...we had to do some investigations in the stream and cus we had all our water proofs on we didnt realli get wet evethough we were in the stream..came back to the centre and identified insectSS...yesh it sounds disgusting but it wasnt that bad...

the next day..we got onto the bus and headed of the seaside and checked out sanddunes...the view of the sea was immaculate, seemed as if it was an edited picture or sumthing..spent like 4hours there doing other investigations. luckily the weather was beautiful and we didnt have to freeze our butsss off...the next day we went to the woodlands and checked out oak treess!!! and lichens and mosses..damn ive seriously never noticed any of these funguses before but i was forced to live and breathe it during this trip...especially cus it was the main frame of my coursework which turned out spectacularly...i came up with my hypothesis and it was postive =).

anywes...we literallyy became trreee-huggeersss!!! as tim showed us a way it to speedily figure out the age of a treee is by hugging it and see if u can wrap urself around it!!..ahahaha...funnnyy funnyy..i dunno if this trip turned me into an eco-warrior but at least im more aware of it but yes 5days is definitely enough to quench my thirst for nature knowledge for at least ten years..

im going bck in a few days and i havent packed!!..damn im so screwed...life doesnt alwes turn out the way u want it but what can u do about it rightt?....not evryone's genuine and sumtimess its rather foolish to expect more...i think its better to hope for the best and expect the worst out of people cus of the time thats what u get in return...basicallyy i dun reallly care anymoree...im living life the best i can......sometimes alone isnt so bad..

2007-06-23T02:56:00.000-07:00

im so excited for university..i tink its gonna be amazing :)

i went for a taster course in university of royal holloway and kings college this week..it was really interesting the way they explained the courses and what exactly what it is we will be doing in our 3years..dammiti loved the bioscience courses in royal holloway but i didnt relli like the campus so much..i duno it just didnt reall give me that swept off feeeling..but then it has helped me confirmed that i realli do wanna get into the bioscience field..i lovessss it...now i just have to work on my personal statement and try to make it stand out..SOMe HOW??..hopefully il get into my top choicess of uni's..fingerss crossed!! its so competitive that its quite daunting realli..i hope il be able t pull through..

il be having my bioogy field trip next week ad im kind half excited and half dreadin it..hehe..no idea why..but oh well its gonna come whatver it is...il be back in ten days?..ahhaa..

live every moment to the fullest,
if ur not happyyy..GET HAPPY.
life is too short to spend it UNHAPPY...

2007-06-22T14:42:00.000-07:00

sometimes in life,
we feel the things we try so hard to hold onto start to slip away,
things change ppl change life changes,
there are many things that i wish didnt have to happen,
are slowly happening....
its sad but what am i suppose to do..

2007-06-19T11:51:00.000-07:00

today i was walking pass the hall and i was thinking of you..wondering if ur ok..
then something caught my attention..a girl was in the hall
playing the piano and it was the chinese song?
the chinese song u played for me that day love in ur house...remember?.....
i froze and just listened..
evr felt like things were moving in slow motion..
for those few mins..it felt like a lifetime of being without you.

2007-06-14T10:48:00.000-07:00

"Leaving On A Jet Plane"

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye

But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

I'm ...

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I'll tell you now, they don't mean a thing

Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
When I come back I'll wear your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time, oh, let me kiss you
And close your eyes and I'll be on my way

Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times that I won't have to say ...

Oh, kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

And I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

heleftandifeelsohelpless!ilovehim!
my darling left today and i feeel like i miss him even more than i ever did before!! its funny cus its not like he was with me in the first place but now i know he has to enter NS it jst makes all the harder to breathe and now he is the only thing that is occupying my mindd!! eeee..i just love him so much,,i called him last nite and after talking i couldnt sleepp...i went to bed at 3 then woke up at 4 and i just culdn get back to sleepp i woke cathrin up and went on her bed then after few mins i managed to sleep for 2hrs so basically i had 3 hours of sleep today...damn i misss him and love him!im going insane!!..hehehe...we talked for 3hours about random things and made each other laugh eventhough the situation is so sad..i mean im just looking at it as a test which we can and will Overcomee!!..

today i was able to witness first hand what it truly means to stand up for what you believe in and never falter even when things around disagrees with u...i trust the LOrd our God because he is the alpha and omega..he created me and has plans for me to carry out my purpose..He has created each and evryone with a purpose and it is not by chance that you are alive..you are alive because he wills it..He didnt have to create u but He wanted to...all i want is to trust him completely and then slowly but surely little things in life will not matter to me anymore and i will realise the bigger picture for my life.

Happy are those who are persecuted for believing in me, the kingdom of God is theirs.

2007-06-11T15:06:00.000-07:00

Beauty is in the eyes of the Beholder!

hes like the breathe of fresh air..in the midst of the fire
hes like the chocolate cake that i cant get enough of..
hes like the lil pendant il hold dear forever...
hes the one i run to when things get rough..
hes the one that listens when i need to release..
hes the one that i know will not let me down.

i miss him so much.who knew he would walk into my life ..and now that he has i wonder how i ever did without him..he made me realise so many things about myself. he makes everything worth while and now i just cant let him go.im in too ddeep...i guess falling in love for me is easy but constantly staying in love is the tricky bit....im a realli fickle person ive been told and i know that abt myself..i've never regretted a decision i have made in life so im not going to start now..every situation presents itself to allow us to learn from them...right now i am so thankful to have him in my life.......

the greatest gift of all is to love and be loved.

2007-06-10T03:13:00.000-07:00

Age is just a number?

i am 18 years old!!..and im freaking turning 19 in october16...like i remember when i was 15 or 16 i alwes thought those ppl who were 19 were damn old!! and yeah now im 18 and as i llook back on my past wants and needs. i realise i have gone through a massive life turnover..yeah given my younger years were much simpler with little worries and all but it was because ppl around trusted me less and i didnt have any responsibilities..i think it is a myth to believe once we grow into adults all of a sudden we will instantly know what to do and handle situations better.my uncle whos like 60 was telling me...ur body ages but ur mind stays the same so its adjusting body to mind which is challenging..i loved being 13-16 cus i didnt have much responsibilities and everything in my life came easily in some way or another.but that was obviously a bubble and it was only in time that reality took its course...i love being 18,in a way yes i have so much more responsibilities and stresses but then the reward of it is so much greater...life has just opened so many doors for me and its the stress of deciding which door to open...i think being an adult doesnt mean u'll have better control of yourself , you will just have a better way in dealing with change and that comes through experience...i think so many people are so uhappy cus they think they should know what to do and cant get their head around why they cant?..so sometimes i think its quite unfair to blame our parents for making the wrong decisions that may directly or indirectly affect our lives cus their just doing what they think is best for us...when they dont even know
what that is..

protect ur inner child the one that laughs for reason and have a thirst for knowledge from the harsh realities of life and all the pain and suffering...
Age is just a number to me..cus though 18 may seem like an age for the start of maturity(whatevr that is)..im just as clueless as the next person...

2007-06-09T11:29:00.000-07:00

on a happier note..

i tink my previous blog was kinda depressing but im over it now!! u know there are just days where evrything seems to be going wrong and feels like evrything is out of control..thats what i felt this morning?yep yep..blog therapy i gues..ive let it all out now and im okie now =)

i went to watch oceans 13 with cathrin just now and we saw jo there..we were buying the tickets and alll then as we were walking i looked at the ticket and it was like CHILD...the lady thought we were both under 15!!.hahaha what the hell we were laughing like maD!! i mean HELLO!!..hahha no wonder the ticket was like under 10 bucks!!we were laughing like crazy!!we alwes have weird thigns happen to us..we were walking by the river and this man was joggin and he ran quite near to me and he accidentally punched my ARM!! my goodneSS!!and he just continued running i was like Jerk!!.yeah anywes..that was ridiculous...

our school dining hall just had this total make over and now the food is like sooo good and all..its like we even have artistic procelain plates..cathrin and i got overly excited over them!!..ahaha then they have soup corne n salad whatver...they even have grapes,strawberries,kiwis,pineapple and melonss!! we had a fruit FEast =) and smoothiess...ahahha...i dunno why we got so excitedd over that and th best thing abt it is that we dont have to clear our trays we just leave it in tray thing where last time we had to clear it ourselveSS!!..aahha and they even served salmon thingyyss..eheh....such a huge improvementt from the last time..yeah just thought id sharee that +_+
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i kinda copied and pasted this from another site but i just had to share =)

This is a very good article. read it. Those who are still single may learn something from here.... Those who are already married may take it as a guideline to improve your marriage.... DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?" I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?"

Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind. Here's the answer.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love... Because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet." Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work,a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND. SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love."

Because it takes time, effort, and energy . And most importantly, it takes WISDOM . You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work. Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable...you can "make" love.

Love in marriage is indeed a 'decision'... Not just a feeling.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

basically u need to find sumone u think is worth fighting for cus basically it is a battle and u have to know that all the effort u put in a relationship will be worth it in the end and that he will be there for the long haul..i dun believe in changing boyfriends like changing a t-shirt cuz personally i dun think its right..young or old...u can never control who u fall in love with and loving sumone completely doesnt mean u have to give up some parts of ur life..cus the one u love will love u for u and evrything that comes along with u..its all about compromisee...i was naive before but im not anymore..thank you!

2007-06-07T04:38:00.000-07:00

IT made me smile =)

can u telll that i am HAPPY??.....i can finallyy breathee again!!...IM BREATHINGGG!!..Wwoo-HOoo Me =)

i just sat for my last paper just now and it went well !!..YES..NO MORE stresss over exams and now i can just sit back and relax and wait for time to past!!..soo happy and relieved feels like the weight of the world is off ME shoulder s and now im as light as a feather..floating around..shahaha...i can start watching movIESs.playing tennis.going ONLine and SLACK..oh yess..all the good things in life..without any guilt hanging over my heaD!!..Ya-Ya!!..hrm i havent blogged in ages first off all i was in london last week and i couldn be bothered to go online there was SUPPOSEDLY busy revising..eheh..and then when i came back to skul firstly internet wasnt working and was in exAM mode =P..anywayass...london was fun..i alwes have so much fun in london esp all my funny lil bruneian friends are there and we tend to alwes come up with random things to do!..i went shopping with MJ and jeera once and then shopping with deebah once then shopping with Tj,MJ,Jeera,fara,kimmi,adi,zirah and ajis once so all together i went shopping 3 timess..woohooo!!..ahahha..i feel guilty for spending so muich..SHYT!!..im too self-obsessed i need to do sumthing for the good of mankind!!...ahah..YEA..im high!

this weekend ima gonna watch oceans 13 with cathrin and jenifFER..Yaya!!i didnt go watch pirates of the caribbean when evryone went in london cus i couldnt be bothered..dunnoo i just dun realli like it..SORRY VEETAG!! i know u lubss it..its ok i lub YOU!...hhaha...hrmm...i cant believe il be back in less than a month how crazy is that??..its like im done being a lower sixth student and now im gonna be an upper sixth!! MEANING i HAVE ALL THE POWER!!....hahaha...well in a way =P...yay we got to decide on our roomss and i got my single room..SO COOl...cus il have clarie and jeniifer on the same floor so i can just crash in their rooms when i get bored of talkin to the wall!!..ahahha..i toked to my sister yday and i miss her like so so much..cant wait to seee her...GAWD im gonna see my FAMILY sooonnnn.....hehee...thats so so awesome.my bruneian frens here are planning to go to belalong for the weekend and im gonna ask my bro if he wants to bring like ten ppl...just cus he's been going to belalong since he was in uni so hes the perfect guide for us i gueSS..heheh...yeah..i mean its quite embarassing that we've never been to belalong eventho we;re bruneians i meet id understand if we were americans and we didnt go to all 50 states..BUT pls..we only have 4 districts!!..ehehe..yeah...we're trying to promote brunei as an ecotourism country yet we dun know anything abt it?..abit of a contradiction so yeah..BRUNei yakin?

im soo giddy at the moment..im actually in skul right now and will be walking back to the boarding house in 5-10 minutes...lovESSs it =)..the girls in my room made this plan where we gonna ride the roller coasters in alton towers 10 times or at least until we puke..if they only knew how i acted with brian in time square,kl that time..they would be afraid to get on a roller coaster with ME..but for now..il be all innocent.yes yes =P....cant wait to go back!!...my fellow bruneian ppl..prepare for my arrival yes?..seriously im soo hyper right now i dunno what the hell im blogging..whoevr is still reading till this point could A) be really jobless B) really really find me interesting?

so yeah u know that day right...jeera and i were suppose to go shopping then we came across star bucks..we were sitting on the couchess and started toking until we realsied 2hours had passed and then MJ came along and we loved to another table where there were lots of drinks so the waiter thought it was ours so we could stay another hour there...then MJ went on a shopping spree but u see his bad was made out of paper then we were just walking along..and Prackk!! his bag tore into half so i was laughing uncontrollably and so we put his stuff in another bag which was ALSO made out of paper which in the end also went PRACKK!!...gawd we were laughing like mad..so MJ just for the sake of getting a good plastic bag went into ESPRIT and bought a shirt just to get a new plastic bag!!..yeahh it twas so funny...

oh yeah guys...im 1% vegan...meaning i dont drink cow's milk anymore.....its like u know they force cows to milk!! like using machines and stuff even when they cant..its like their forced to and it HURTSSSS for them..so sad for them u see!!...so now i only drink soya milk.. >_<
oh yeah MJ is a 100% vegan his life is so difficult not only doesnt he eat meat, he doesnt touch cows milk,cheese, cotton cus it uses too much of our water resources so only organice ,dont wear leather and is against animal testing..but u see i feel bad u know..cus i wanna get into biomed and the only way to achive progress is to use little rats and guinea pigs to test on??..SO HOWWW????

lovesss u!!.. ^_^

2007-05-24T03:32:00.000-07:00

u gotta know urself to be urself **...........im sucha dreamerrr^_^

when i woke up this morning i had two reallii great msgss .!!

1. well my darling msged mee =)..eheheh

2. MY mummyy alredi confirmed my tickett!!! wawawaw..ahahhaha..so happyla...=)...cant wait and i told her il be giving lil kids hiphop classes in her studio during my hols..it will soo soo funnyy and cute :)...cnat u imagine lil kids dancing to usher an looking alll cool..YA MANN THATSS GONNA BE MA STUDENTSS!!...ahahah..yepp and i mite go for tennis lessons with the new coach in panaga..cus i heard hes pretty goodd =) its like freakishly hot today!!!!..cant handle heat our roomm is basicallyy boiling i wonder how it will be when i get backk,...for sure il be extremely bitchy towards the weather..hehe..i did some shopping in river island!!..fun fun..i need to look for a black skirt!!! =)..and look for a pressie for bri bri..eventho its like a month away!!,,SHYT I HAVE EXAMS..im losing my mind :P...

i will be going down to london tomorrow...it feels as though
i go to london at least once a month and its getting annoying...travelling is such a bitch!.....our realliii realli nice housekeeper is retiringg and we will be having a fairwell for her tomorrow =(..its soo sad..shes like the kindestt and sweetest lady evrr...she's like 60 and she alwes makes bfast for us and alwes ensures that we use our coats when its cold and always syas' have a nice day girls"awww..shes the sweetest and we're all gonna be so sad when she leaves.. =(..i bought her this farewell gift..its this cd with 1960's music in it..i figure these were the type
of songs she listened to when she was our age....and its also like a card thing..hope she likes it.. =)..

very hot roomm!!!!....

2007-05-23T14:48:00.000-07:00

had to get a new skin cus my other one became cacat =(...i loved it so much but then it turned against me >_<....so sad la...but then i reali like this one as well..so itsss ok i guesss!!

hehe...

i neeedd a hug fromm HImm.....i miss himmm....
i misss the roast chicken thingy my maid makes..
miss watching tv with my lil bro...
misss having breakfast with my parentsssss....
and my dad asking me to order in chiNESE!!
i missss DARRENN,,,I loveee himm =)
i misssssssssssssss...duck rice in singapore!!!
seriously theres this place in the atrium sumwhere near takashimaya..they have fregging goodd duck rice..=)...soonnnnnnnnnnnn!!! =_=
i missssssssssssssss my lilcusins i bet their so big alredi..
i miss the beach....
i misss my retardssss...
i missssssssssss...............hrmmm what else do i misss??
ima gona go shopping tomoroowww..hahaha..WAGAMAMA!!...
i misss my sisters apartment...
i misss MY SISTER....our nite drivesss!!...
i missss my familleeehh....with all the imperfections...
their still the one i come running back to...

still in love with u...even after all this time..ur still the one!

my blog for today is realli random..its cus im in a really random moodd..HUGS LOVE U!!

ive beeennnnn watching hilary duff's reality show lately and its actuallyy really reallly nicee!!!...and im starting to realli like her..
she isnt the cookie-cutter girl that evryone sets her out to be...shess NORMAL and i like her

2007-05-22T09:17:00.000-07:00

i guesss u can say im happy...content with life... >_<

everything isnt perfect..all my dreams havent all come true...
there are days..i stilll ask why?..
days where my tears seemm unending...
through it all...i am still happyy..
happy to be here..alive and living!!
i smile when the day the surfaces
and i laugh at the most mundane of things..
that way i dun go insane with the harsh realities of life..
most of all..im at ease...
so bring it on...
throw me all that u have to..
cus il find a way to smile again ..
may take me awhile to get there..but i will
its all cus of God..and his amazing grace,,,
im still so afraid of what tomorow might bring
BUT...
in him i trust that tomorrow will be better than today...
HE surpasses everything though intangible...
he makes everyday a miracle...

im living in his miracle*......SO CAN I GET AN AMEN!!

2007-05-22T02:49:00.000-07:00

can u handle my truth?..

im having my fifteen minute break from studying so i decided to blog!!?!!..the exams are killing everyone..and it seems evryone i talk to ask me to kill them!!..aaha..cathrin and jeniffer keeps asking me to kill them cus they wanna do their exmas and when i chatted to peopel back home they wanna get killed TOO!!..ahahha...haiyah...no matter how far apart we all are we're basically going through the same shyt..i mean theres even a guy in botswana asking his fren to kill him cus he doesnt do his exam?...but of cus in his botwanian? language?..yeah yeah..so lastnite cathrin and i decided to create a lilttle havoc in the roomm by laughing like crazy and taking videos!!..id un exactly remember what we did expcet poured a box full of food on cathrin and vivi gave me sweets that we're suppose to give me an electrified feeling on my tongue evryone was feeling it but i was HUH?i dun feeel anything..so GIVE ME another ONE!! so i ate two and still no feeling...and then few minutes later i go..I FEEELLL IT!!!..it was a weird fuzzy feeling and basicallly we spent 5minnutes talking with out tonguess sticking out..then we ran into evrythinggg like the wall and cupboard...i threw my bubble wrap thingy cus we actually useed it for protection if we decided to run agaisnt the wall..but i threw it away and so we hurt ourselVEs!!

then we ran downstairs to the common room and watched southh park..it was the episode with osama bin laden and butt faced people!!..i have no idea what was going on but we just kept laughing anyWESs...then came upstairss and decided to curll my hairr!!...i got bored so i asked jeniffer if i could curl her hair..it took me damn 1hour to curl her hair..but it turned out prettyy-fied completely sonified!!.ahhaaha.

yep that was yesterday..i realli am jobless right now...i have been having realli random dreamss lately n freaking the shyt outa mEEe,,,darren introduced me to this lil girl shannin when i was back in brunei in dec and she is the CUTEST MOST ADORABLE AND SWEETEST girl u will ever meet in ur entire life and i love her to bitss and pieCES but sadly shes migrating back to singapore..AWwww i was so sad when he told me that..dangit i wana have a daughter just like her when i grow up :)..hhhhahhhaa...

ann* dont worry about ur paper man...i tink it should be alrite i mean SERIOUZLY..if not il go down to cambridge and look for ur paper MYSELF!!!...huhuh...

smack that il seee u in 6weeksss..wahahaha...

2007-05-20T06:52:00.000-07:00

revision ,revision and MORE REVISION!!!???!!.. at the rate im going im gonna jump out of my room window though it cant even open properly!!..feeling the stress of evrything right now..stop pressuring me to do well..dont u think i know that i have to do well..if u think its motivation its realli NOT helpingg mee...if anyone should know better its me , i mean if i fail im the one that has to live with the consequencess...i know ur afraid that i might not succeedd but pls i need my space and some air to breathe before i suffocate to death..why do we have such short attention spans?...sumtimes i wonder if its the fear that once u actually take it seriously and browse through the book that u realise u realli DO NOT know anything and figure its too late to do anything about it now cus exams are right around the corner...so ud rather avoid the whole thing by procrastinating...we'd rather give up and not try at alll..rather than TRYING than later on failing cus that damages one self even more...trying with no positive outcomes...with not trying we have the comfort of saying..well i didn even try so yeah thats why i failed so i know im smart but just lazy u know!!...

hrrmmm....i said it once and il say it agen..the education system is screwed UP!!...education numbs us from feeling reality and setting up goals that not evryone can achieve...its unfair and its like a house of cards waiting to crumble...

i really missed him during that time and i realised i wannaa be with him forver and ever...doesnt matter how naive and senseless it all may sound...i realli dont caree!!?!!..he tries to understand me and provides me with a reason to trust him..in a way thats all i need...i have to stop playing the blame game and take responsibility for my own actions...i love him and i dont care what anybody else says about it...we're living in our own bubble ...hes my bubble - BOY!!??!!!...=)

things change,ppl change!!..
ive changeddd....
dun wait for me..
cus the one ur waiting for...
isnt showing up anymore...

2007-05-18T13:05:00.000-07:00

hey... life is a skanky shyt

i hate math!!! i hate the whole fucking education systemm,...its totally messed up and i cant believe im stuck in this cycle thats bound to make u feel inadequate and stupid...its not as if im not trying what the hell do u tink im doing??...i fucking walk into ur class each day hoping to improve so dun diss me when im right in front of your face..dun compare me to HER when u know she is smart..why bother having a teacher if all ur students are smart..GET a clue and help the people that actually do need THE HELP...instead of praising the ones tht have alredi made it and then ignore the ones who are struggling...in a way i dun blame u.its the FUCKING SYSTEM!!..if i didnt care i would rather just skive all lessons and not give a damn...the problem is I DO CARE...thats the MAIN problem..i care toooo fucking much!!!..i dun need to feel this way...the numbers that im taught will not help me be a better person..the equations that i solve will not help me find the meaning of life..will it??....why is the system so screwed upp??..

i wannaa drop out and just live in egypt!

when i came back i broke down and so cathrin and i went to town and bought movies and junk foodd..so we basically are really stressed out with exmas and so we stuffedd our faces with food and now i feel like puking...tomorrow morning i have a tennis match =)..

i realised that i love u and i cant live without u...but....i wish it was that simple..etc etc etc....

if only

2007-05-12T14:03:00.001-07:00

PREEEty right???

my roomieeesss........three peas in a POD!!

and yeah WE EAt!!!....~~~

WE love and Play it!!

WE laugh

remember the moments we had...

everything was beautiful..

u were beautiful...

remember the time we didnt have to say goodbye...

remember the time u made me forget...

forget that i was crying..

remember how i didnt feel alone..

on the day that u were born...

2007-05-12T11:12:00.000-07:00

itS a brand new day!!!...the sun is out and im feeling much better nw..had my tennis match today we didnt win BUT HEY i played and was having a fun timee doing it...i shall get there one dAyy!!..ahaha...cathrin is the sweetest she woke reali really so we could walk togther to the park and sat there for 2hours while waiting me to finish my matcheSs. ..how nice of her to do that! and to make it worse we didnt have nice weather today cus it was so windy and rainy!! and i was in shortSS..i was freezing my butt off..but still FUN =)..last nite i ttook out this plastic bag with all our swimming stuff which we left for days alredi and she took it out..gosh the room smeellled like shyt after that and we were laughing like mad then she took it out and hung out it on the doorrr and the room remained smeellyy for AGEss!!.then we went through friendster and laughed at the funniest profile pictures just cus we are so nice that wayy!!then she printed out the lyrics ofr Change ur mind so we both could sing like maniacs and not just mumble to it!!..

i love my darren chai and he is soo soo AMAZINGGG...i loveee HIMMM..!!!!!hes the one i can count on even when im being sucha bitch and unfair hee stilll takes hold of my handd and tellss me he lovess mEEE...AAhhhh....i keep calling him my umbrellaa cus he protects me from the rain and from the sun rays!!..ehehe..so random but yea..he realises im not perfect but loves me more for it....MY hot chocolate on a cold day!!!!=)........ i hope he doesnt have to go to NS..LOVE dun gooo bahh!!..ehehe...cus that will mean i get to see him at airport...huhuh...il be getting my GREEN wilson tennis racket from him!!..ahahaha..YAYY!!!!.and for no particular reason i might add just cus i wantt it!!..hehehe..OH YEAH HES MY RAINBOW TOOO....

so yeah the girlies went for japanese and im in the room cus i supposedly should be studying my politics...but then im not..yeah anywes its an all u can eat japanese place so jeniffer is gonna stuff some in her bag so i have somee !!!...haha ..how nice of heRR!!...aahaha..oh well...so this week has been a reali important week for uk politics cus northern ireland finally agreed in continuing with their shared power parliament..for the past decadess the protestants couldnt get along with the catholics which caused alot of problems in the country...and now they finallyy have decided to end the hostility so that the healing can begin...

"Everything we have done for the past decade has been in preparation for this moment"
Tony Blair.

i love u..i love my life...An attitude of Gratitude...

2007-05-11T13:47:00.000-07:00

"Change Your Mind"

Don't solve the problem,
when danger is better.
Far away where you stock them
In cages that tether
And all the bridges you've burned,
leave you trapped off at all sides.
And now the tables do turn,
and it's all gone,
what's left for you.
And when the sky is falling,
don't look outside the window.
Step back and hear I'm calling.
Give up, don't take the fast road.
It's just your doubt that binds you.
Just drop those thoughts behind you now.
Change your mind.
ou let go too soon.
Sit down, you're sinking,
there's no one to watch you.
Skip town, you're thinking,
there's no one to stop you.
And all the bridges you've burned,
leave you trapped off at all sides.
And now the tables do turn,
and it's all gone,
what's left for you.
And when the sky is falling,
don't look outside the window.
Step back and hear I'm calling.
Give up, don't take the fast road.
It's just your doubt that binds you.
Just drop those thoughts behind you now.
Change your mind.Let go too soon.
Don't run away,Stop feeling fine.
It's better than your worst, your worst day.
No words to say,
I'll give you mine,
and pocket all the hurt,
and just stay.
Don't run away.
It's better than your worst,
your worst day
.And when the sky is falling,
don't look outside the window.
Step back and hear I'm calling.
Give up, don't take the fast road.
And when the sky is falling,
don't look outside the window.
Step back and hear I'm calling.
Give up, don't take the fast road.
It's just your doubt that binds you.
Just drop those thoughts behind you now
.Change your mind.Let go too soon.
Don't run away.I'll change your mind.
Let go too soon.[x3]Don't run away.\
I'll change your mind.

i dun give a DAMMM~~~~~~~~~~..over and done with...ur outside the windoWW...my flipped paGEsSSsssss....im gonna be ok...give me TIMee just give mee TIMEE!!..one day..il be fine so dun u worryy about me..dun needd ur love dun need ur pity and dun even need urr support..cus my heart is stronger!!AFter u came aloNG..i know better NOWW.....i wont fall for urr sweett words and ur smile...OH shytt...not today but maybe tomorrow..

so yeah dun worry about me..il be fine...
i come running towards u only to realise u werent there in the first place!!..oh well

2007-05-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

im ok.

2007-05-11T10:45:00.000-07:00

my daily rambles and complaints**

anywwes..who decided it was time to give up our roles of being responsible?..what is responsibility anywes?..i cant imagine going on with life without it!!.so what does it mean when i cant handle it?..im alwes looking back and it seems whenevr i take one step forward i end up going 5 steps backwards...i just wanna get through life with as little scars as possible...is that too much to ask...sam gave me this book titled. A PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE WITH GOD..i havent started reading it..but yeah,,.basically i feel lost with GOD and i need to find my way back...hrmm...today was an ok day..i went to town during lesson time cus my politics teacher wasnt in but then they had a fire drill so my form tutor was panicking and asking evryone if they knew where i was..hehe but shes the nicest lady ever and i didnt get into trouble...it was muck up day today so the upper 5 were dressed in cops and robbers outfits and caused mayhem in school...like pouring bleach over the toilet seat and setting off the fire alarm..insane i tell u...hehe

if u cant alredi tell..im just rambling about my day..need to get started on revision...politics especially...feeling kinda down lately..and im not exactly sure why...or maybe i do?..alas life is an ever changing battle...

someone i once cared abt told me he'll love me forver...but he didn...
wheres the responsibilty in that?

2007-05-10T09:03:00.000-07:00

so i ate so much cereal..now i feel like puking cereal!!

hehe..so i received my tennis racket in the mail today and ima sooo sooo happy..cus il be able to play with it on saturday for the tournament..hrmm i misssed it..its prettyy red and silver,..i still go WA°!!..i remember when i first got it and veenah was with me...and i kept hugging it and like playi be ng with it until i accidentaLLY swung it and smashed it on the ground..hrmm that hurt..and i gave it a name i tink,i tink it was rover cus it was a boy and i like RANGE ROVERS..ahaha..veryy weird...hehee..but its sad to say that rover might be replaced soon cus my darlings gonna get me a racket!!..its the new wilson one wwhich is like lime green and white..AWW itss soo sooo pREETTYY and i lovee it!:..hehe..so yeah but if i do get it il onli see it when i go back to brunei so yea..

welll....itss raining today and its abit depressing..i had like four lessons of politics today and it wasnt too bad realli..cus mr.griffiths kept cracking up jokes...and iil be so lost while doing the work..anywes im so fuill!! cus i ate cereal..no more cereall for me!!..ive been eating cereal for the past 3 weekss..im SICK OF IT°°..i keep listening to straight jacket feeling and it ends tonight by all american rejects..their preetty old but i love listening to it cus it kinda relaxes me and kinda expresses what im feeling at the moment...hrmm..ive been feeling kinda strange lately..thinking of the past and wats become of evrytthing..too afraid to look back and ask what if?..all we can do is move alongg...

less than 2 months baby!!...time flys when ur having fun?.....i need to go shopping!!!....i realli do....anywes il be going down to london in 2weeeks but its more of a study leave so i cant exactly do shopping then..but yea anYWES..il leave u here....=)...

make all my dreams come true..
say ul alwes be true..a
and that ul one day say i do..
mean it when u say i love u..
cus u know i cant be without u...
i wanna smile and dance
under the stars..
just like we use to do!!..=)

Give me back the last fucking 3years of my lifE

2007-05-07T13:20:00.000-07:00

GIVE ME BAck the last fucking 3Years of my lifE°...

life is an unwinding journey..
so much to learn and understandd...
will i be able to figure it all out in time?
will i ever be able to differentiate the fakes and the truth...
why?why?

come back to where it all began...to where things were simple and the way u made use of my innocence...

"It Ends Tonight"

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Tonight
Insight
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight

2007-05-04T00:10:00.000-07:00

myy Idiot roomatess =)

2007-05-03T14:12:00.000-07:00

stop waiting for sumthing to happen...when u cant handle MY truth!

welll...i had the mosttt amazing day :)...i went swimming with jess,cathrin and melina thiss morning and it was fun.. then after swimming i had a double free and so stayed in the library doing politics questions....then when it was time to go to class my politics teacher wasnt in today which meant i had the whole day off cus on thursday i only have politics lessons..so that was the great relief well down to the amazing bit of my day...tennis has started for the summer term and i tried outt just now for the team and im in!!:) gosh i played for 2hours today and it felt so good..but then i feel slightly sick right now cus i tink i was dehydrated!!.so iil start playing in tournaments for the school and evrything!!..

well what really happened was..this morning after swimming i went to the PE dept and asked if there tennis training going on today and they said yeah at 245 meet at the playground..then at 1230 i decided to go the gym to find a racquet so i wouldn have to later after class at 230...so i just went alongg and i couldnt find any cus theere were only juniorr racquets but i just thought maybe sum other students were having games lessons and they'll return it by 230.then 230 comes along and i still couldn find any so i went back to the PE dept and asked if they had any left but they said no and said i shouldve had my own one!! (which annoyed me badly) determined to play tennis i walked back to the common room and asked ppl i barely knew if they knew anyone who had an extra racquet and then one of them told me she saw a racquet on the lockers but she didnt know whose one it was..as desperate as i can be!! i ran over to the lockers and tried to look for itt!!..but it wasnt there...all hope was losstt for me BUT then i was so freaking determined that i walked to the playground anyways without a racquet i didnt see the bus so i tot evryone left alredi so that was sad!...then i saw cynthia jess and lara so i just walked towards them and told them about my dilemma!..lara said that it should be fine and that they'll probably give me oneE!..but in my heart i knew they wouldn..then i saw our head of PE and told her that i reali wanted to play but i didnt have a racquet..and she replied..NO PROBLEM cus i have an extra in my CAR!!..YAYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????!!!

i was all excited and was jumping for joy!!..ehhehe..then things got better cus it was actually realy cloudy and cold for most of the day but when we reached the tennis courts it became realli sunny and warmm all of a sudden!!..PERFECT weather :)....then the coach started playing with me then after sum warm ups,drills and matches she asked me if i wanted to pplay matchess for the skul and all???..ahahah..i was like YEAHHH SUREE!!! =)....and i told her about how i didnt have a racquet and all and she said to me..well we'll figure out a solution cus we wont allow that to be a reason for u to not play!!AWww....hehe..so yeah...

then i came back to the house and asked my mum if she could send me my tennis racquet and she said she'll think about it cus i tink itss pretty expensive to send it over?..but she was like all cool about it cus it was my fault in the first place for leaving it in bruneii...then even BETTER newss when my sister called and i told her about it...and she said.why not u just BUY a new one!!..ahaha..i didnt think about it until she suggested it to me??..ahaha..i mean i have been dreaming about the wilson ladies racquet which is LIME GREEN IN COLOUR SOO pREEEETTYY =)

so yea that was myyy day..quite exciting for me at least and it was the first time in my life that i played on grass courtsSS!!!...just when i tot all hope was lost GOD had to swoopp me up and make a turn for the better...i love tennis :)

tommorow il be headed down to london and then back on monday where the girls and i will be having japanese for dinner at the jap resto..eeks i have one month till my EXams then 3 weeks and im back in prettyful brunei :)..smaCK THaT!!

*pls dun steal my rainbow!..